ot that I am an expert or anything.
A woman comes into marriage with a certain set of naive assumptions
about the density of marble in her sweet baby’s head. Some
husbands may want their wives to develop a more realistic understanding,
and that ipso pronto. If this is in fact the case, then certain
trusty devices have been employed by more industrious husbands
over the years, and they have worked in a very effective manner
to this end.
The first and most important thing to do is take a very strong
stand on male leadership. By strong stand, I mean as measured
in decibels, and not by performance. The disparity between the
two may draw unfavorable attention and reviews, marring the surface
of domestic tranquility from time to time. When this happens,
a man should demand in a loud blustering voice why it is necessary
to speak in that tone of voice. It seemed disrespectful.
Another device, favored by men who do not want to come off as
a more traditional male, is that of pseudosensitivity. Great concern
must be expressed over the possible neglect of her vocational
gifts and career opportunities. If this is played right, a woman
can be maneuvered into working a full-time job, alongside the
man’s job, and all without her being relieved of any of her
full-time responsibilities in the home. The enterprising husband
can find himself with one job and two incomes, and he then has
the opportunity to figure out ways to spend the money while she
is spending her evenings doing the laundry.
And a woman should not be allowed to spend very much money. In
a strange kind of way, she might even learn to derive great satisfaction
in how long she can make her fifty bucks last. In the meantime,
her husband can spend money on a good bass boat, beer, chop saw,
hunting rifle, beer, videos, that extra cable service carrying
ESPN, and beer. When asked about this, he might intone that it
would not be good to be penny wise and pound foolish. If she still
asks for money to buy some clothes or shoes for herself, he should
give her the money, but act slightly disappointed in her desire
to spend it on herself. He should not say anything, and if questioned
about his silence, he should say, “No, that’s all right.
Hm.”
A man should take special care to give his wife permission to
home school. She has been asking for a couple years, and if he
gives permission this will keep her quiet for a couple more. Then,
when she asks for some direction, discipline, or leadership in
curriculum decisions, he can gently remind her that she was the
one who requested that they do this.
Fussiness over meals is also important. It is not important how
the fussiness is exhibited, but it is essential that it be exhibited.
One man may want to demand his food at six o’ clock, straight
up, another may want his food piping hot, and yet another may
want to insist on an entire absence of whatever vegetable it is
that annoys him.
He should make sure he talks about how various women at work,
or at church, are good looking. Just as a general observation,
nothing important. Nevertheless, it is encouraging to note that
more and more women are keeping themselves up these days. On a
related note, he should be concerned about his wife’s weight,
and he should vocalize his concern from time to time, in a helpful
tone of voice. Unless he tells her that she has inadvertantly
put on a few pounds, she would probably never know.
He must require at all times that she is never allowed to know
more than he does in any area. If by happenstance she does, then
there should be an unspoken assumption in the household that she
should keep quiet about it. To do otherwise would be disrepectful.
He must ensure that the television is on from the time he gets
home until about ten-thirty or eleven. It will provide a comforting
backdrop to the conversation and life of the family. If the television
is on all the time, it provides a certain wallpaper for the mind,
and fills in those awkward silences. The wife should be given
every opportunity of learning what shows and sporting events are
important to him.
And of course, at the end of the day, when the lights are turned
down low, he should head off to bed like a simple-minded juggins,
acting the part of a grinning prospector who is expecting to find
a sexual El Dorado any minute now. And let’s all wish him
some luck.