et the wife see that she respects her husband (Eph. 5:33).
Sometimes I wonder where the church would be today if the men in it were respected as they ought to be by their wives. What power would God unleash through godly men who were respected in their homes? I am certain that lack of respect and, in some cases, overt disrespect are holding many men back.
Some women are puzzled by this command to respect their husbands. They think respect is simply an emotion, and if they do not "feel" it, then there is nothing they can do about it. Yes, respect is a feeling, but it is also something we choose to do. A dictionary definition of respect demonstrates that it is a verb; it is something that involves action on our part. "To feel or show honor or esteem for; consider or treat with deference or courtesy; to show consideration for." Take note of the words honor, esteem, deference, courtesy.
Respect is something that is displayed by the way we treat our husbands. Even if we feel it, we must not stop there but go on to show it. And if we do not feel it, we are still commanded to show it.
Oftentimes those wives who disrespect their husbands are the same ones who are complaining about the lack of leadership they see in their men. If only wives could see the importance of respecting their husbands; respect equips them, encourages them, and brings great blessing to the entire family. An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones (Prov. 12:4).
Wives underestimate the impact they have, both for good and ill. They do not realize that their lack of respect is tearing their husbands down. The more they disrespect, the more they see to criticize. Soon it seems there is nothing respectable about their husbands at all.
They want their husbands to be obedient Christians who exercise godly, loving headship, but they refuse to be respectful wives. "I will begin to respect him when he starts exercising spiritual leadership!" But God has commanded wives to respect and honor their husbands, with no qualification. He does not say to respect them if . . . And we know that all of God's commandments result in blessing when they are obeyed.
I have talked with women who were miserable because of the shortcomings they saw in their husbands. I have also seen some of these same wives begin to respect their husbands in concrete ways. Their discontent disappears and they become happy, radiant Christian women again. It is amazing; the blessing that results from simple obedience to God's command is wonderful.
Wives, instead of focusing on your husband's problems and shortcomings, look at what you are supposed to be doing yourself. I have seen the transformation in women as they begin to respect their husbands, and have no doubt there are blessings for the husband. It must be a tremendous relief to come home to a sympathetic and encouraging wife, rather than a critical, unhappy, self-centered one! When wives repent of their disobedience and begin to obey God's commands for marriage, blessing always results.
Sometimes a wife must begin to respect her husband out of sheer obedience -- she does not feel like it. But as she obeys God, she also begins to see things she never saw before. She realizes, for example, that he is a hard worker and provides well for the family. George MacDonald put it well -- "Obedience is the opener of eyes."
Discontent blinds us to the many good qualities in our husbands. When we begin to cultivate gratitude and respect for our husbands, we find more and more to respect. Conversely, without repentance and obedience, we see less and less to respect.
In Robinson Crusoe, Daniel Defoe wrote, "All our discontents about what we want appeared to me to spring from the want of thankfulness for what we have." If only wives would be grateful for their husbands and respect all the good things about their men, they would soon stop complaining and moaning about the things they do not see.
Thankfulness drives away discontent, and respect and honor build the husband up. Even if the husband is an unbeliever, 1 Peter 3:1-2 tells us that they can be won over by the chaste and respectful behavior of their wives. In other words, the Bible teaches that the behavior of wives has a big impact on husbands.
I am not trying to make this too simplistic -- if you respect your husband, all your troubles will go away. But frankly, most of them will. Begin with repentance before God, ask for His enabling, and begin to admire, honor, and respect your husband. It will soon grow to be a joy.
In our next issue, we will address specific, concrete ways to respect your husbands.
