nd let the wife see that she respects her husband (Eph. 5:33).
Women are by nature doers. We love practical teaching much more than theoretical teaching; if we cannot apply it, then what good is it anyway? That is why I do not often see women reading big fat theological books, but rather practical books on marriage and child-rearing. This column is yet another case in point!
God has obviously gifted women to be "hands-on." We can anticipate needs. We know instinctively what a sick or frightened child needs, what a lonely friend needs, what a busy mother needs. So when it comes to rearing children or homemaking, most of us are thoroughly in our element.
But when it comes to respecting husbands, women need more than just teaching on the fact of the command. We want to know how. How is a wife to obey a command to respect? What are some tangible ways to show respect to our husbands?
Last issue I defined respect as showing honor or esteem, treating with deference or courtesy, and showing consideration for. I also pointed out that respect can have happy results in the home. Now for some do's and don'ts to make it practical.
Let's begin with some don'ts. All of these have to do with the tongue. Proverbs 14:1 says, Every wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her hands. Although I have never actually seen women ripping down their homes literally, I have seen women ripping their homes down with their tongues. You can almost see the house collapsing as some women talk. It is far too common to hear wives complaining about their husbands' shortcomings.
Christian wives, never downgrade your husband to anyone -- not to friends over coffee, not to your children, not to your parents, and, of course, not to your husband. Do not share your husband's weaknesses, problems, blunders, sins, poor decisions, or failings with anyone. It is disrespect if you do. He is not perfect, we all know that. But when you share unwisely, it does two things: it causes you to disrespect him more, and it causes the hearers to think less of him, too. Never rub in his mistakes. This is a simple application of the golden rule. Do you want him sharing your faults with his friends at work? Of course not. Proverbs 31:11-12 says, The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life. Can your husband safely trust you? Do you bring him good? A critical, biting tongue is destructive. An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones (Prov. 12:4).
What do you do if you have been freely critical of your husband to him or to others? First you must conclude that your disrespect is sin against God. You have violated His explicit command. Repent of your sin before the Lord. Ask your husband for his forgiveness. You may need to repent also of resentment toward your husband and confess to the Lord that you have been
keeping a record of your hsuband's wrongs. After you have done some spiritual spring cleaning, you will be ready to take concrete steps to respect and build up your husband.
How to begin? You must communicate to him that you respect him and you need to tell him why. Maybe you should make a list of "rights." What do you appreciate about him? Come on, there must be something -- after all, you married him.
If it is difficult to simply tell your husband you respect him, a respect letter is a very wise way to start.
Women know how to write love letters, but a respect letter is another thing entirely. Itemize the things you admire about him, and be sure to include the obvious things you may have taken for granted. Is he a good provider? Is he a hard worker? Does he take the family to church? Has he been faithful to you? Is he kind to his parents? Is he a good father? In most Christian homes, the answer to many such questions is yes.
But what about the women who have to answer no to all such questions? Then what? If he is at home in front of the TV drinking beer all day and ignoring the family, then you have a harder task ahead of you; but you are still required to respect him. In extreme cases, you must simply respect him for his God-given position as the head of the family, even if he is a poor head. My husband calls this "saluting the uniform." In other words, even if the man wearing the uniform is doing a poor job, he is still worthy of your respect simply because he is your husband.
Apply the golden rule again. Do you want to be loved only when you are lovely? Then do not respect only when you see respectability.
Most women can find many things to respect about their husbands; they merely need to be reminded of the many good qualities that they have been taking for granted. Write him a letter and leave the love out until the end. List to him all the things you appreciate and admire, even if they seem trivial to you. Emphasize his work (or job) first, and then move on to other things. Concentrate on abilities and achievements. Men are much more task-oriented than women are; take this into account.
Then begin respecting him verbally. Tell him what a good job he is doing. Thank him for working hard. Thank him for providing for the family. Thank him for coming home to you night after night. Be grateful. Let the kids hear you praise him. Let the neighbors and your relatives hear you praise him.
God has designed men to
need respect, and He commanded you to be the principal source of it. As you obey God in this, you
will see that an obedient respect for your husband will always have positive consequences.
