ut I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God (1 Cor. 11:3).
Abdication of godly leadership in the home is a very common problem today among Christian husbands. Two issues ago we addressed the nature of the problem; there are many Christian men who are nice guys, but who do not provide the strength of leadership that God requires and their wives need.
But diagnosis is not the same thing as solving a problem. Consequently, this space will be devoted to setting out concrete steps for those who have recognized that this is their problem, and who want to solve it. There are many husbands who can readily see that they abdicate in this way, but they do not know precisely what to do.
The first thing to do is confess the general problem to God as sin. God has established a certain form of government in the family and we have no authority to alter or modify what He has done. Whether the alteration was done deliberately out of rebellion or simply out of weakness does not matter. It is not the pattern God established; it must be confessed.
The second thing is to identify specific areas of abdication. When they are identified, they must be confessed as sin as well. The paragraphs below contain some specific examples of the sort of thing which must be rejected. By no means should this list be considered exhaustive.
1. When the wife asks for counsel: There are many occasions when a wife is feeling distressed about some difficulty, and she comes to her husband and says, "What should I do?" An abdicating husband will tell her that he does not care, and that she can do whatever she wants to do. But when a wife seeks counsel from her husband, she should always receive counsel. When she comes to her husband and asks for a decision, he should always make a decision.
When a woman has come to my wife for counsel and advice, one of the things my wife commonly asks is whether or not her husband knows and approves of her seeking this counsel. When they are talking about whatever the concern happens to be, my wife will frequently ask what her husband says about this. She has regularly heard things like, "He told me the decision is up to me." And this sort of abdication is not limited to trivial things — it has included life-changing decisions such as birth control.
2. I tried that once: Husbands who abdicate may defend themselves this way: "My wife did this once. She came to me for a decision, and I did make a decision. But then she resisted the decision. I concluded that she did not really want my decision so I let it go."
This is an easy mistake to make, but it is a mistake nonetheless. The wife in this situation does not need him to make a decision; she needs him to make a firm decision.
Many times wives want their husbands to assume leadership in the home. So they ask for a decision, and the husband makes a decision. But then the wife wonders to herself whether this is a decision that the husband really is committed to, or whether he made it just to get her to be quiet about it. And so she resists the decision. This is not because she rejects his leadship, but rather because she wants to ensure that he is exercising real leadership. He caves in, and it is clear to her that he did not really make a decision at all.
3. I told you so: Suppose a decision has to be made, and there is a difference of opinion between the husband and wife. After discussion, the husband abdicates, and they do what the wife wanted to do. Suppose further that everything goes wrong as a consequence. The husband's abdication can be seen in his response to the disaster. If he says (or thinks), Look what doing it "your way" did, then he has abdicated leadership.
Now a godly husband may decide, after taking his wife's concerns into account, to do things "her way." But in a godly home, as soon as he does this, it becomes his decision. He is entirely responsible for it. Once the decision is made, it is his decision. If his wife tries to blame herself for how it turned out, he should restrain her. "No, dear. This is all my doing." It may have been her idea in the discussion, but in a biblical home, it was his idea to do it.
4. Doing his own thing: Some abdicating husbands may think they are being decisive when they go off and do something without consulting with their wives at all. "You bought what?" This sort of thing is a far cry from biblical leadership; if he thinks something is right to do, a godly husband does not shy away from discussing it with his wife before he does it.
When a husband acts without consulting his wife, it is commonly because he recognizes that she has practical veto power in the home. And because this particular thing is something he really wants to do, he does it without letting her know about it beforehand. This is not leadership; it is self-centered abdication.
The third step to take is to begin making decisions, and taking full responsibility for them. As with many issues,
this is not a "quick fix" problem. In future issues we will identify more problems, as well as
positive steps a husband can take in establishing a biblical foundation for his family.
