or a number of months we have been examining the problem of abdication in the home on the part of many Christian husbands. This abdication is not the result of any overt malice; rather, it is the result of what we have been calling the "nice-guy syndrome."
In this issue, our purpose is to set forth some concrete steps for breaking out of this pattern. In most of what follows, I am assuming that your wife is a Christian, and wants you to deal with this problem as much as you do.
The first step is to recognize that the problem exists and that it must be confessed as sin. So long as the problem is attributed to nothing more than personality differences, or sloughed off on different cultural backgrounds between husband and wife, the problem will remain. But a man who has not been the head of his home must confess his abdication as sin -- he must treat it the same way he would treat theft or adultery. It is disobedience.
The next step is to analyze and pray over your problem. In order to do this well, make two lists.
The first list should contain all the areas where things happen in the home contrary to your expressed desires. For example, suppose you have said on a number of occasions that you think the kids should not watch TV on school nights. If they watch TV anyway, put that on the list. If you think that your wife should not ask her father for so much advice, and she persists, then put that on the list. You are listing those areas where your decisions are disregarded.
The second list should be of those areas where behavior in the home goes on because of the absence of leadership on your part. Suppose your wife sets the discipline standards for the kids, but she does so against her wishes. She has repeatedly asked you for guidance, and you have said only, "I don't know. You seem to be doing fine." Suppose she has asked you for time in the Word together, but you never seem to get around to it. Put all such things on the list.
As you put this list together, you should be thorough. The first category will contain those areas of family life where your headship is ignored. The second category will list all those areas where your headship was never exercised.
As you think over your list, you will be reminded again of your need for forgiveness. Thank God for His graciousness to sinners, and rest in the fact that God has granted to you the perfect righteousness of His Son. Do not let your list become a complaint list against your wife. The point is not to get you out of the sin of abdication and into the sin of bitterness and resentment. You are the one who abdicated, and you are now merely identifying those specific areas which need to be corrected.
When you have completed your list, pray over it for several days. During this time, you may find yourself adding or deleting things. Taking the time to do this will prevent a hasty or ill-advised confrontation with your wife.
When you feel confident that your list accurately describes the problem, sit down and have a talk with your wife. You will probably need to set aside several hours in order to discuss the problem with her thoroughly. If you have older children (teenagers), you may have to sit down with them in a similar sort of way.
Tell your wife that you have confessed your sin of abdication to God, and that you want to ask her forgiveness as well. You must not attack or blame her. Your demeanor should be one of humility. You have wronged her, and you are making restitution. If she has sinned in this (as she probably has), you are not yet qualifed to serve as a one who corrects (Gal. 6:1).
Go over the list you have prepared with her. The most important part is the category where your decisions or attempts at leadership were ignored, and you did not do anything to correct the problem. Ask for her forgiveness, and for her help as you seek to confront and correct your sin. When you are done, pray with her.
Now if you do this, the chances are that you and your wife will both feel a lot better after your talk. But the problem is not yet resolved. Sometime within the next week, pick one of the relatively minor areas on your list where you have had a problem. Make a decision in this problem area. If the old pattern of disregarding you begins to manifest itself, then draw your wife aside and remind her that you do not want to fall into your old habit of abdication. Regardless of what happens, you must not change your decision. If your wife gets upset, do not back off. If she explains that this situation is different because . . . do not back off. This is crucial.
Spend enough time in preparation and prayer over this decision so that you do not make one that is foolish or self-centered. But even if you come to believe you were wrong, do not change. The issue should be a minor one, and it is more important to reestablish your headship in the home.
The reason you should start with a relatively minor issue is simple. If you were to begin lifting weights, you would not begin by putting all the weights in the weight room on the bar. If you were to begin jogging, you would not start by running ten miles. That would guarantee failure, and discourage any future attempts. It is the same with this.
You have begun the process of breaking a bad habit. This will be difficult enough without all the complications that come with a big decision. Consequently, you should start with the issue of what restaurant you will go to, and not whether to sell your house and move to the Yukon. Americans are oriented to "instant" solutions for everything, and American Christians have brought this orientation into the area of sanctification. We want microwave holiness -- ready in three minutes! So do not expect to fix this problem with one "big" decision. You are seeking to correct a pattern of abdication.
When you have successfully made one decision stick,
make another one. There is no instant "quick-fix" solution to this problem. You
are learning how to walk in leadership, and you will find that it is like all forms of walking. One foot at a time.
