ikewise you wives, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear (1 Peter 3:1-3).
This column is addressed to women who are in the difficult situation of being married to men who do not obey the word. Last issue I wrote about being women of the Book; this issue I speak to women who cannot look to their husbands for spiritual teaching or counsel because they are either unbelievers, or they are Christians who are just dragging their feet. Isn't it wonderful that God included in His Word a special exhortation to women in your particular situation? There have always been some women who were married to men who "do not obey the word." This kind of situation is nothing new.
The first obvious thing about these verses in 1 Peter is that wives are to be submissive regardless of their husbands' spiritual state. Be submissive. While no human authority is absolute, the command as stated here has no conditions.
Notice first that the submission is directed to your own husband. Sometimes women whose husbands are not obeying the word can be tempted to be in a submissive relationship with someone else who is more spiritual. This is disobedient and dangerous! Be submissive to your own husband, and not to your girlfriend's husband or to your pastor or your counselor. Although we are to be submissive to our elders in the church (collectively), that submission is not the same as the submission you render your husband as your head. If you are looking to some other "head" than your own, you are in a spiritually adulterous relationship and you need to repent of it immediately. It will certainly not help your relationship to your husband to be looking for headship elsewhere.
Sometimes repentance may be required on another level. Did you know he was a non-Christian when you married him? Did you know that he could not lead you spiritually when you married him? Did you think you could change him once he was your husband? You may need to do some soul searching here and repent before the Lord for marrying someone He had forbidden you to marry. Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? (2 Cor. 6:14) Obviously, if you were a non-Christian also, you should remember to thank God that He picks us up where we are, and not where we should have been. (And if you sinned in getting into the marriage, divorce is not the way to make it right.)
There are some other hindrances to your submission. One is self-pity. You must stop feeling sorry for yourself and complaining out loud or just "in your heart" about his lack of spiritual leadership. Grumbling and whining are the antithesis of submission. Do not focus on his short-comings and failings, and stop comparing him to other husbands. This only feeds your discontent and self-pity. Instead, be grateful to God for your husband and begin to focus on his good qualities, even if they are not the ones you want him to have.
Notice in verse 1 and 2 that the thing that wins a disobedient husband is the conduct of his wife. It is described as chaste and respectful (accompanied by fear). In other words, the thing that will win your husband is your godly and humble behavior. Now think for a minute about your behavior, and ask yourself if you have been acting in a way that will win your husband. Does he see your godliness on a regular basis? I am not asking whether he sees you reading your Bible, or Christian books, or going off to church or Bible studies.
This prescription for submissive behavior is not one that applies only to wives who are married to disobedient husbands; it is convicting for women who have godly husbands who exercise a spiritual headship in the home. All wives need a good dose of 1 Peter 3 regularly!
We cannot leave this passage without spending a little time on "without a word." It is difficult for women to do much of anything quietly, much less something that involves changing husbands. But it is very important that you do not nag your husband. If you have asked him if he will do daily devotions with the family, fine. But do not keep asking. Concentrate on your own behavior, not his. There is no reason that you cannot read the Bible for yourself, and you can read it to the kids while he is busy with other things. You may joyfully read and study on your own, as long as it is not seen by him as a competition for your time. In other words, do not leave him for the weekend to go off to a women's retreat unless it is something he really wants you to do. You have been designed by God to be his helper, and you can't do this if you are not around.
Flaunting your spirituality is not being quiet. ("I hope he sees that at least I am reading my Bible even if he isn't.") What he needs to see is your sweet and courteous attitude, not how many books you are reading or how many prayer meetings you attend each week. Leave the results to God. This is not a formula to "win your husband to Christ in three easy steps." You are to be obedient to God regardless of the results. The results are His responsibility, not yours.
There will be more practical suggestions next issue.
