his column is a continuation of our discussion last issue; it is for wives whose husbands fail to exercise spiritual oversight of the family. Whether the husbands are believers or unbelievers, the commandment for wives remains to "win them without a word," and the requirements for submission and respect also obviously apply. But these things were addressed in the previous column.
Let's get to the bottom line. He who heeds the word wisely will find good, and whoever trusts in the Lord, happy is he (Prov. 16:20).
Every word of God is pure; He is a shield to those who put their trust in Him (Prov. 30:5).
Your trust, your faith, your hope, your confidence must be in the Lord. You must not trust in your own devices, you must not trust in "good advice," you must not trust in your own good behavior, your own obedience to the command. You must trust God. Women who follow the biblical pattern of submission and respect without trusting God are simply baptizing manipulation.
What does such trust look like? You present your husband to God and ask Him to do the changing. You must recognize that only God can effect a change in your husband. You certainly can be used as His means, His tool to bring about change, but only if you are in submission to God and His commands. This should cause great humility on your part, as you recognize that it is out of your hands. Your job is to be a humble and willing servant, recognizing that God is at work, and He will bring to pass His will, using His appointed means. This should encourage you to pray for your husband, not nag him.
Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, thank God that you have a husband, thank Him that He is at work to do as He pleases, and thank Him for the opportunity you have to apply your Christianity, to live out your beliefs, in a very practical way. You can be stirred up, not only to prayer, but to humility, obedience, trust, and faith.
Do not look for instant results. Sometimes God brings about change instantly, while other times it is a slow process. Being submissive to God means you do not have specific expectations other than the goodness and glory of God. So expect great things, but do not determine ahead of time exactly what those great things are. God knows, so you must be patient.
When you are tempted to criticize your husband (and you will be), when you want very much to "let him have it," pray for love. Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all sins (Prov. 10:12). Turn to the Lord for comfort, strength, silence!
When you believe he is acting foolishly or unwisely, go away to another room if necessary and ask God to give you the grace not to "preach" at him. If he asks, gently and respectfully give him your input, looking at your own faults and sins. Are you really better? Had God not intervened, where would you be? This is all the more impetus to prayer.
If he makes a decision you disagree with, you are called to
submit. Do so unto God and humbly ask for His protection. The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe (Prov. 18:10).
Now I want to address a specific area in which women have trouble submitting. What if your husband fails to provide for you? What if you are hopelessly in debt, and he is not bringing home an adequate paycheck? There are several temptations you need to avoid in this situation.
First, do not seek to protect him from the consequences of his folly. Even though you may want the Lord to "wake him up," most wives do not want the Lord to be too rough on him. We want to shield the blow, ease the hardship, or take on some of the responsibility ourselves. This will only drag out the problem. You must allow the consequences to fall on his shoulders, no matter how hard it may be for you to watch. I am certainly not suggesting you take a morbid delight in seeing your husband go through difficult times. Of course you must be a support and help and source of encouragement. But that is a completely different thing than trying to shoulder responsibilities that are not yours. When a wife tries to bear the responsibilities that her husband should be bearing, she suffers. (And obviously when abdication includes desertion, a wife must take on many financial responsibilities -- she really has no choice.)
So how do you do this? When the bill collector calls, hand your husband the phone, but do so respectfully, praying that God will use it to bring about a change. When there are overdue bills, look to him for his direction -- whether or not he provides it. Of course this must be done without guile, without any condemning edge in your voice. Quit scrambling, trying to come up with funds to meet deadlines. It is his responsibility.
Have you called your parents and asked for loans? He should do that, not you. Are you trying to find an extra job so that you can keep the house, boat, car? Often women rush into jobs to "help out," thinking it will only be short term. The kids are farmed out because it's just until "we pay off the car." But then, after the car is paid for, there is something else. And pretty soon, you are working outside the home fulltime, the kids are on their own, and you are still in debt. Then it is too hard to quit -- who will pay the bills? You need to get out, go home, and take care of your kids.
"But," you say, "my husband wants me to work." I have heard this before, when, in fact, the husband wanted very much for the wife to come home, and she was the one resisting the move.
Some of you may find this too hard. You may simply write this off -- "She doesn't know my situation," you say. But Paul has this word for you: I have learned the secret of being content in plenty and in want. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. The context of this passage at the end of Philippians shows that it is in a discussion of finances.
So do not think your happiness lies in how your husband is doing, or in how many possessions you have. Your happiness and joy lie in Christ alone. If you are trusting in Him, He will see you safely through.
