et love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil, cling to what is good. Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another . . . (Rom. 12:9)
Likewise you husbands, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered (1 Peter 3:7).
Modern American husbands have fallen into a trap of reductionism. This reductionism shows itself in a leveling tendency in the area of manners or courtesy. Everybody must be the same, and everything must be identical. We do not think we are required to defer (with some visible indication of deference) in any way to anyone else. Consequently, today there are many people who have never shown an act of deference towards anyone. In such a climate, it is not surprising that there are many husbands who have never honored their wives.
If a Christian man is asked about it, he may say he does honor and respect his wife in his heart. But the Bible doesn't require us to honor and respect people in our hearts. It requires us to honor and respect them. The heart is obviously where it all must begin, but if it never shows up in external behavior, it is not biblical honor and respect. Biblical honor must show up in verbal and visible demonstrations that proceed from the heart, but are not limited to the heart.
Because we are creatures, and because God has divided us into various nations and cultures, the marks of respect and honor we show will vary from culture to culture. Obviously, this is fine. But the requirement to honor is not an option. For example, in the British military they salute differently than they do in ours. The Bible does not tell us which form of saluting to use, but it does require such a thing as a salute. Demonstrations of deference are biblically required. There is no such thing as invisible honor or respect.
The passage above says that wives are the weaker vessel. Now men do not tend to honor someone who is weaker than they are, but try rather to take advantage of the weakness. But the Bible says for husbands to honor and defer to their wives. They are to honor their wives in an overt, visible way. It is not possible to get off the hook by saying "I honor her in my heart." That does not mean anything. If we were allowed to discharge all our obligations toward our fellow creatures within the confines of our hearts -- love, honor, respect, kindness, etc. -- then we could be as contemptuous as we pleased, and when rebuked for our rudeness and dishonor, we could say, "Deep down, I really do honor her."
This is not what the Bible teaches. We are all sinners by nature, and under the wrath of God by nature. But if God has changed us, that new creation is going to be visibly manifest in the world, just as the old man was visibly manifest. A husband cannot say, "All my behavior notwithstanding, I still honor my wife, even though I never show it." Husbands must honor their wives.
This is a demonstration within marriage of an attitude which we should see elsewhere in the church. And those members of the body which we think to be less honorable, on these we bestow greater honor; and our unpresentable parts have greater modesty, but our presentable parts have no need. But God composed the body, having given greater honor to that part which lacks it, that there should be no schism in the body, but that the members should have the same care for one another (1 Cor. 12:23-25).
The Bible requires that the strong honor, defer to, and respect the weak. In the world, the strong take advantage of the weak. In the church, the strong are to respect the weak. This does not change the basic line of authority that God has created. Heads of households are still to be respected by their wives; there is a biblical obligation for wives to submit to their husbands. Scripture does not reverse our definitions of strength and weakness. But the thing that is unique about Christianity is that the honor and respect are required in both directions. It is natural for the weak to honor the strong. But for the strong to honor the weak requires grace from God.
Over the years, our culture has built up a number of ways to display this kind of honor. Many of these expressions of honor have been almost completely destroyed over the last several decades. There has been a general disintegration of cultural honor and respect. With regard to marriage, it is a responsibility of Christian husbands to recover it. The recovery may be awkward and difficult, but it is better than making up some display of honor and respect ex nihilo. And although they have taken a beating, there are still some things that are deeply rooted in our culture, and which can be recovered. We need to work together on them.
It is here that we get into the area of etiquette, or love in trifles. There are reductionists who will say, "It doesn't matter if a husband opens a car door for his wife." Certainly, in the cosmic scheme of things there is no command from God for husbands to open their wives' car doors. But there is a command to husbands to honor their wives. And how does the husband obey this command and display to her and to the world that he honors and respects her, if not by what he says and does? No one particular cultural pattern of behavior is Biblically required. But there is a mandate from Scripture to display courtesy, and there is no way for us to do this except in a cultural way.
This means men should honor their wives in tangible ways. "What! You mean I have to walk all the way around the car?" Yes -- and car doors are just a small part of it. He must honor her in front of their children, and insist that they imitate him in that honor. By his words and actions, he should praise and honor her in public (Prov. 31:28).
We cannot begin this revolution in manners by demanding that the people who owe
us respect start showing it. It will begin when
we start to show respect and honor where we need to show it. When this kind of honor is cultivated, the results are beautiful. But so much has been lost that we are going to have
trouble getting back to such standards without some awkwardness. Nevertheless, we must remember that the heart of true courtesy is in how we treat other people.
And the best place a man can begin to recover such consistent charity is with his wife.
