As a father pities his children, so the LORD pities those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust (Psalm 103:13-14).
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged (Col. 3:21).
od the Father is a good father to us. As Christians we fear and honor Him; and
as we do, He remembers our frame. The Lord, our text says, pities us and
accommodates our frail capacity. In doing this, the Lord is like a good father,
watching over His children.
The important principle here, which parents should consistently remember and apply, is that God knows our frame, He remembers that we are dust. In this, He is like a human father. So as we seek to be good parents, we must know our children's frame. This can only come about through carefully studying and considering our children. A special area of importance in this is considering how our children respond to us as we exercise disciplinary authority over them.
We can forget our children's frame in different ways. Some parents have gotten caught in the trap of countless rules. Taking their cue from some federal agency, they surround their children with a constant, bewildering stream of requirements. But when laws multiply, so does non-compliance. In contrast to humanistic law, God's law is plain, simple, and to the point. Humanistic law is complex, devious, twisted, contradictory, and endless. Rules in a godly house should therefore be basic and easy to understand. "You must always tell the truth. You must always obey us immediately. You must always respect your mother." This does not cover every situation, but it actually comes close.
Another problem is that of unnecessary requirements. Take the example of a mother with a toddler, visiting a friend. The child is happily playing. When it is time to go, the mother should not thoughtlessly create a showdown. "Come here. Put on your coat." If she gives a command which is disregarded, then discipline becomes necessary. Commands should therefore not be given thoughtlessly, thrown out in an offhand way. The mother will save herself a lot of grief if she just goes over and picks her child up. If at that point the child resists, discipline is fully appropriate and necessary. This is not catering to the child; it is simply a matter of picking the battles carefully. Multitudes of occasions which require swift and effective discipline will always be available. No home has a shortage of such times. So why create more such occasions than you really need?
Yet another problem occurs when parents unnecessarily blindside the kids with a requirement. For example, suppose the kids are playing outside after dinner, when one of the parents goes to the door, and calls, "Time to come in!" This is just asking for static. A better way is to give some advance warning. "Ten more minutes!" Then when they are called ten minutes later, they have had ample time to mentally adjust and spiritually prepare.
Another, very serious problem arises when parents exercise their authority over their children in a sinful way, and then (for the sake of "maintaining authority") refuse to apologize and make restitution. We can characterize this as the problem of stubborn requirements. One of the best ways to teach the sovereignty of God over the home is for the children to see the parents submit to God's authority in practical ways. This can occur in many areas, but one of the most important is that of apologies offered to children by parents. This teaches the children that the requirements of the home are not the result of random neuron-firings in the parental brain. Instead, God has given the requirements, and the parents are under that authority as much as the children are. A besetting sin of anyone in authority is the reluctance to confess sin for fear of jeopardizing their position. Parents must especially guard against this; so if you messed up, say so.
We can also discourage children under the burden of requirements when we impose those requirements without an environment of love, grace, acceptance, sweetness, and light. One of the reasons that the discipline of many parents does not succeed in restoring the child to fellowship is because often there is no fellowship in the first place. For example, when children are disciplined effectively, they will afterwards turn back to the parents for comfort and restoration. But if the discipline causes them to turn away, the parents need to take a hard look at the overall tone of the home. In a warm home, the disruption of that warmth through the turmoil of discipline is intolerable to a child. In a home where this warmth is missing, the acute pain of discipline is simply added to the chronic pain of no fellowship.
Some parents are hard on their children because that is the personality type of the parents. Some parents are soft for the same reason. But as Christians we must reject the implicit pagan determinism of "personality types." God charges us all with the task of being wise parents, no matter who we are. This means that when we take a hard line, we do so biblically and thoughtfully. And when we remember "the frame" of our children, we do so biblically and thoughtfully.
The results will be families which are honoring to God and to the cause of the gospel. Our children will grow up in a home with high disciplinary standards, but those standards will not be burdensome. God says to us that this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments. And His commandments are not burdensome (1 John 5:3). We should say something very similar to our children.
