Lesser Testaments

As Soon As I Finish

Jim Nance

hristian testimony has two kinds of certainty, one superior to the other. First, the certainty of personal memory: I was there, it happened to me, I remember what I felt like before and after, and so on. This testimony is open to question; I may get some facts confused, and I may not interpret the facts correctly. However, we have a second, unchallengeable testimony, which has the certainty of God's Word: if I have indeed been saved from my sin, then I have been saved in the way God declares in the scriptures that all men are saved. Being thankful to God for what He has allowed me to remember, what I recount here is a testimony of the lesser kind.

I grew up in Federal Way, Washington, the fourth of four children in a home where the knowledge of God was neither greatly promoted nor greatly prohibited. As a young boy I enjoyed almost nothing more than lying outside on a clear summer night in a warm sleeping bag, staring into deep heaven and pondering questions for which I had no answer: Does the universe go on forever, or does it come to an end? I know that I cannot imagine it going on forever, but if it comes to an end, then what is beyond that? I also have a very distinct memory of sitting out on the front lawn when some foul words passed through my mind. I recall wondering: Is God able to know my thoughts, and if so, am I guilty of sinning against Him in my thoughts? And so from very early on, God was revealing Himself to me, the heavens declaring His glory, and my own thoughts were accusing, and defending me.

In high school I was blessed with a circle of friends, some of whom were believers and others who were certainly not. Regardless of our differences, we were quite close and involved ourselves in many of the same activities, one being drama. In my sophomore year I received a supporting part in the play Lil' Abner. The three nights we performed that play hooked me; I would try out, and usually get, a leading role in every play the drama department put on during the remainder of my high school career. But with those leading roles came a deadly disease, which some of my friends correctly diagnosed for me as A Big Head. If I had been honest with myself, I would have recognized that everything I did was for my own glory and honor. But I wasn't, so I didn't.

Some of my friends who did recognize my pride for what it was understandably shied away from me, and in my senior year I began to feel lonely and confused. On the outside everything looked great; I earned good grades, went to lots of parties, still had many friends and not a few girlfriends. But simultaneously a new feeling of What is life all about, anyway? began to gnaw at my insides. And so I began to be turned in a new direction. I started to spend more time with some of my Christian friends (those who were patient enough to put up with me), even attending Campus Life meetings with them. But every time they prayed, usually after singing "One Tin Soldier," I would pray something like, "God, if you are real, show yourself to me."

About that time I let everyone around me know that I was now An Agnostic Searching For God. I asked for a Bible, or a Koran, or a Book of Mormon, or anything which would tell me anything. Though now I see that I was opening myself to being easily snatched up and deceived, God was very gracious to me. First, He caused my sister LuAnne to give me a Bible, and I, not knowing any better, resolved to read though it in a year, starting at Genesis. Secondly, God brought along a classmate named Lisa, who patiently answered my questions and endured my never-ending blasphemies.

Around the book of Jeremiah I went off to college at Washington State University, as did my friend Lisa. She encouraged me to supplement my Bible reading by attending an evangelical church with her, which met in a grade-school gymnasium and was pastored by a godly man named Jim Wilson. I began to be steadily and relentlessly blasted with the gospel in words written, spoken, and lived in a way that I had not seen before, till I was brought to the point of saying things like, "I refuse to become a Christian until I finish the New Testament." 

The book of Revelation came in February, 1981, and I believe I read it through in one sitting. After that I knew I needed to submit to God, but I knew with equal clarity that I did not want to. I endured one grueling month of simultaneously loving and hating my sin, unwilling to give it up and unable to hang on to it. This continued until I was in such emotional turmoil that I lay sick in bed, unable to do anything but pray. And on March 26, there on my back on my dormitory bed, I gave in to God and cried out for His salvation in Jesus Christ, after which I promptly went to sleep. And when I awoke, I knew I was a new man. The weight of sin and guilt which had been so heavy upon me for so long was just gone. A true joy (which I remember describing later as feeling like I was in an unshakably good mood) filled my soul. I talked with Lisa on the phone that day, confessing my faith in Jesus Christ, and we rejoiced together. I will always be thankful to God for her friendship.

Since that time, the Lord has steadily worked away at my sinful self, taking away my pride and everything that went with it, including the pride of believing my own searching and wisdom to be the cause of my salvation. He has led me to realize that not I but rather Jesus Himself is the Author and Finisher of my faith. To Him be the glory!