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Volume 10, Issue 1: Cave of Adullam

Mutterings on the Regnant Follies

Major Tom

The Cowboy Way
The Country Western Church would like to invite you to their service. What is it? It's a "new Christian Country Western Church Service." If you're interested they meet Saturdays at six in the evening at the Triple J Casino, 725 Racetrack Road in Henderson, Nevada. Why would they do such a thing? Well that's the easy part. They just want to worship God the Cowboy Way. If you would like more information about a church that features "Country Gospel music, teaching from the Bible, and special music for the kids," just call Pastor Joel Stevens at 252-2811.

At least they hold to exclusive psalmody.

Portland Power, Aye
The Portland Power is a team in the newly formed ABL, one of two women's professional basketball leagues that our nation now sports. As it so happens, Pacific College, a small school of about 1,200 students, has its stomping grounds in the same general area as the Power. Their men's basketball team also went to nationals in their division last year. Somewhere in the Portland Power management, somebody had the bright idea of scheduling an exhibition game with Pacific. However, they didn't want to play the actual team. They wanted to play the alumni team. The Portland Power, a professional team, wanted to play a team made up of fellas who had already graduated but had played ball back in the glory days. Well, the game was scheduled, and the Power made it very clear that this was to be as close to a real game as possible. This was not a pick-up game, this was for real. Well somebody got beat bad! The guys came out in a full-court press. The girls couldn't get shots off. Second quarter, Pacific leads by over thirty points. By halftime the lead was in the forties. At this point, the coach of the Power approached the Pacific coach. She informed him that his team would not use either a half-court or full-court press; his team would not block any more of her girls' shots; his team would not get any more offensive rebounds. She also told him that if his team did any of these things, she and her team would immediately leave the stadium never to return. Pacific agreed, and finally won by a margin of . . . well we probably shouldn't point out that the guys still won by over thirty points.

Is this a good time to talk about women in combat?

Add Bill Gates to the List
Well, folks, it's for sure. We found an article in the Grapevine Publications Network that describes why Bill Gates might be the beast of Revelation. Let's see, how did it go? Oh yeah, here we go. If you take each letter of Bill Gates and assign it its ASCII value (that is the number that represents each key on the keyboard in computer coding) and add `em all up, your grand total is 663. You then add three because He is after all Bill Gates the third, and voila, you've got your beast. But wait, you were probably just about to make fun of us for believing this, but you haven't heard it all. If you add up the ASCII values of "Windows95" you also get 666. If you do the same trick to "MS-DOS 6.21" you get the same eerie number. The end is near for sure.

Of course they haven't taken into account the fact that if you take the number fifty representing the states of these United States, and then add sixteen hundred because that is the White House's address, you get 1650.

NOW What?
National leaders for the National Organization for Women are reconsidering their policy on multi-wife marriages. They have always viewed it as slavery in the past but modernity is shedding a new light on the situation. Elizabeth Joseph started the mess when she presented her case to the Utah branch of NOW. Elizabeth is a lawyer who shares a husband with six other wives. She and the other career women are able to go to work leaving their children with the women who want to be homemakers. This interesting Lifestyle According to Elizabeth allowed her to "go to law school knowing that my husband had clean shorts in the morning and dinner at night." None of the twenty children produced by this union have to go to day care. Ellen George of the Utah branch of NOW had this to say, "We fight for lesbian families and single-parent families. I don't know why we wouldn't support this."

Neither do we.

Where's Yemen?
NASA is being sued. The plaintiffs are three Yemeni men who have filed the lawsuit in a Yemeni court because they claim that NASA has been blatantly trespassing on their property. They are the owners of the planet Mars, and they have the documents to prove it. According to the Yemeni they inherited the planet "from their distant ancestors" around "3,000 years ago." But they're not really all that upset about NASA landing on Mars. What irked them is that they were never even asked for permission. In fact, they weren't even formally informed in any way of NASA's intentions. Consequently, the Yemeni are currently demanding that all activity by the American Sojourner and Pathfinder explorers be suspended until the Yemeni court renders its verdict.

Well, golly. It seems to us like they are from Mars.

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