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Volume 11, Issue 1: Cave of Adullam

Mutterings on the Regnant Follies

Anonymous

Dear Reader
I've been through some hard times lately so please excuse me if my humor is a little dark. You know, I thought this was a free country. I thought a guy could do what he wanted, and as long as it didn't hurt anybody else nobody would bother him. But don't you believe it. The people around here are nasty. They don't care about you or about anything other than their own political gains. I told one little lie, and it wasn't even a lie really, just sort of a half truth, and everybody wants my head. Well now that I'm just about out of a job I've got to try my hand at some other things. Like this right here. One year ago, even six months ago I would never dreamed of disgracing myself by writing some ludicrous little column for these silly little Idaho people. But here I am, thanks to that @#$&*! K-----h S---r! So here you go, have your stinking laughs.

- Anonymous

Our Mascot
The truth is Veggy Tales have taken the Christian world by storm. Everybody loves them. They bring joy, they bring happiness, they'll even feel your pain, and what's even better. . . they're all vegetables!

At least we've finally found something that represents us accurately. Nothing but vegetables would have worked.

Books and Kulcha
Books and Culture, a toney publication to be sure, recently included a full-page back page for InterVaristy Pies, in which they solemnly displayed their wares. In the upper right hand corner of the ad was Reading Scripture with the Church Fathers by Christopher Hall, which apart from a chapter with the obligatory bowing and scraping to the feminists, was quite a good book. The book is a companion/introduction to the absolutely superb series, the Ancient Christian Commentary on Scripture. This series is also published by IVP, apparently the result of liberal editorial drug use on the part of someone. "Church fathers! Whoaa! Heavy, dude! But don't forget the church mothers, man!"

But wait! In the upper left hand corner of the ad was The God Who Risks, by John Sanders. This book sets itself against the biblical and orthodox view of God, described by Clark Pinnock as the theology in which God is an unblinking cosmic stare or metaphysical iceberg. Translated, this means that their new god is to be understood as one who ventures, one who risks, one who extends, and highly prizes vulnerability, as long as the vulnerability is ours. When it comes to playing craps with our lives, a cosmic stare wouldn't even know how to start.
These IVP editor guys are like the fellow who eats three boxes of Ding Dongs, and then drinks two liters of Diet Pepsi to fix everything. Contemporary evangeliberal scholarship in action down at InterVarsity Potpourri.

Can't Leave This One Alone
Just imagine Augustine or Athanasius being informed of this publishing event by an unfortunate ministering angel. It's a good thing that in heaven veins can't stick out on your forehead.

Not many publishers know how to suck and blow at the same time.

Bible Greats
Our friends at Christian Book Distributors need to run into some pious but beefy boy with a cricket bat. Let us cite a section from one of their recent catalogues: "Jesus, Lord of All - Action Figure. Encourage role playing with the greatest role model of all - Jesus Christ! This 3 1/4" figure of Jesus is fully posable and dressed in authentic costume. Now your kids can really bring the Bible to life by re-enacting their favorite stories. Also includes five collectible trading cards!" Buy him for your kids for only $3.95!

The action figure is also useful in helping children memorize their catechisms. The parent can move the doll and make funny voices through their empty heads that make the whole experience more memorable.
Let it be known that when CBD does meet the boy with the cricket bat (and they will) we hope that whatever else happens, he will not stint. Our prayer is that he will first cast his eyes upon his WWJD bracelet and then proceed to put his back into it.

There is Hope
We realize that we tend to emphasize the bad things that are happening in the church in this column. Just to show that we can in fact see the good side and that we don't always harp on the absolute idiocy of evangelicals, we have decided to include this very encouraging update on Bible translation.

According to a newsletter put out by Wycliffe the Hawaii Pidgin translation is nearing completion. The book of Matthew in Hawaii Pidgin "Matthew Tell Bout Jesus" has already sold 2,000 copies and is being used in some very tough places like youth groups and prisons. Several books of the Old Testament are finished and Romans is well on its way. Just to give you a better feel for how difficult this endeavour really is, here are some key words from Romans five and how they've been translated. Endurance: "We can hang in dea moa betta." Grace: "He get good heart fo help us." Reconciled: "God wen fix up everything so we can come back togedda wid him."
We are accustomed to seeing the task of worldwide Bible translation linked to the second coming. And now we see why. Jesus is coming soon. Look busy!

WWY2KD
As we all sit back and wonder exactly where on the seat of our pants Y2K will hit us, and with what boot size, our position becomes more and more awkward. On the one side we have the government assuring us that everything is going to be silky smooth, and on the other side we have a bunch of nutcases stockpiling asparagas seeds and Icy Hot. We know that the government must be wrong because that’s their job, but we also know that anyone with a shed full of toilet paper cannot really be trusted. What to think?

We are forced to conclude that it is all a ploy of the Chinese to cover their Rose Bowl invasion of Pasadena during halftime.

On Second Thought . . .
Make sure you take this issue with you to whatever New Years’ festivities you plan on attending. Open the magazine about five minutes til midnight, and begin reading. Time yourself so that as the second hand sweeps toward that fateful moment, you are watching the ag988rb4-(*^(*&(*0r98r0of09u+_)_09!

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