Volume 11, Issue 2: Eschaton
Feminize the Clergy
Jack Van Deventer
My Dear Woodworm1
As your most affectionate uncle and Senior Commander in Satan's Army, I hereby write you to maintain your ongoing efforts to destroy the Enemy's Church. You are but a Junior Tempter now, but with continued success you will surely rise through the ranks. Your orders are to attack and weaken the clergy, the leaders of the Opposition.
Your attack on the clergy should occur on three fronts. First, while allowing the preacher to pound the pulpit with regard to the truth of the Scriptures, have them deny their applicability. Tell them that the Old Testament is for ancient Israel, not for us. Teach them to hate God's Law as being irrelevant, outdated, and harsh.
Second, convince the Opposition that Christ was defeated at the cross. After all, He died, didn't He? Make the clergy believe that Christ now sits cowering and helpless in a corner of heaven, while Our Supreme
Commander launches a blitzkrieg to decimate the ranks of the impotent Church.
Third, neutralize the Opposition by using his own weapons against him. In the past, the preaching of the gospel has decimated our ranks, so you must render their weapon ineffective by perverting and distorting the gospel. Convince the fools that the Enemy is powerless to save them apart from their choosing Him as Savior. Let them believe they are determiners of their own fate.
Fill the pulpits with cowards and wimps. Let them regard their feelings as more important than objective truth. We must portray the Grand Enemy as impotent by making the Enemy's representatives in the pulpit appear weak and feminine. In certain communions, we have been most successful in placing women in the pulpit. Such easy victories are a pleasant surprise to our Father Below. For those who know the Enemy's Word too well, our next best strategy is to place men who act like women in the pulpits. They should be characterized by weakness. If the preaching is weak, the Enemy's servants will be readily defeated.
Woodworm, listen closely. Let the women dominate the pastoral search committee. The main criteria for a pastor should be that he's tall and huggable. He must be filled with compassion, but be a doctrinal imbecile. He should crave counseling, the warm, fuzzy kind, and should refer to the Enemy's Book only to establish a false legitimacy. Let him look rugged to give the illusion that he has backbone, but realize that we want the pulpits filled with invertebrates.
In neutering the clergy, cause them to disdain books. You must transform Christian bookstores into gift centers. Indulge them with religious music, knickknacks, bracelets, stationery, book covers, but nothing substantive. Displace the Bible commentaries with Precious Moments figurines. These fools will sacrifice their souls for trinkets.
What books they do read should be filled with doom and gloom. The destruction of hope in the Church is key to our success, so keep the masses frothing at the mouth with "end times" hysteria. Keep dashing their hopes with that captivating "any moment rapture" doctrine. The incessant gullibility of these religious simpletons makes them easy targets for prophetic deception. We now control most of the "Christian" publishers anyway because they are so easily swayed by their pagan owners. As revenues increase, doctrinal integrity will continue to be a diminishing concern.
But, you fool! You bungled our best battle plan for feminizing the Enemy's camp. The uproar over gender-neutral Bibles will soon blow over. Let the controversy settle down and soon gender-neutrality will be a non-issue. The key to feminizing the pulpit lies in feminizing the Church's view of God. Alter the Enemy's Scriptures accordingly. Don't blunder it next time.
As the clergy lose confidence in the Enemy, cause their fear to turn to panic in their anticipation of the Beast, Y2K, Armageddon, or whatever. It doesn't matter what you cause them to fear, only that their hope is destroyed by turning them from the Enemy and His Book. Create an atmosphere of "end times" paranoia in the church that spills over into the public at large. Make this thinking ubiquitous. Start with TV evangelists and radio preachers. Then let the pagan news media fan the flames of doomsday scenarios. Cause the movie industry to create Satanic horror films, earthquake disasters, volcanic disasters, nuclear disasters, war disasters, global warming, acid rain, aliens, asteroids, and Armageddon. Let the music industry incessantly pound away the theme that Satan rules the universe. Let their destination be Hotel California.
Lastly, here is the list of 10 mantras I told you about. Pound these into the brains of the clergy until they are rendered ineffective. All their Scriptural interpretations should be filtered through these:
1. Satan is alive and well on planet Earth.
2. Christ was defeated at the cross.
3. The Church is predestined for failure.
4. God is judging the earth, there is no hope of revival.
5. Satan is the Prince of this World.
6. The world is getting worse and worse (the newspapers tell me so).
7. The church should not be involved in social issues.
8. We're the "terminal generation."
9. Our only hope is the rapture.
10. Gospel success is futile.
As the Opposition adopts these lies, we will be just as successful destroying the Enemy's camp as we were with the Heaven's Gate cult. Alas, so many fools, so few comets.
Your affectionate Uncle,