Volume 11, Issue 3: Cave of Adullam
Mutterings on the Regnant Follies
"God is using Miracle II Soap and Neutralizer to heal and deliver his people from their many problems." You see a lot of people are sick these days. So God has given us Miracle II. The brochure we keep down here at the office is extremely useful, because "Miracle II by Almighty God" can fix anything. And we have a list of ailments and how to fix them using nothing other than Miracle II products and your own common sense. This will fix anything from AIDS to Shoe Odor. You can even use it as a hair spray. Here are a couple of life saving tips. If your nose is bleeding spray the Neutralizer up it. Gum disease is taken care of by simply brushing with one drop of the soap and seven of the neutralizer. If you are suffering from AIDS drink "7 drops of Miracle Neutralizer in Orange Juice every morning and night. Rejoice in the glory of God." Of course the brochure also tells us that in this country it is illegal to guarantee results; otherwise they would. For the solution to all your snake bites and the dealer nearest you call 1-800-277-5444.
It may be a dessert topping and a floor wax, but unfortunately it cannot cure gnostic amillennialism.
Sam the Butcher
There is a man. His name is Sam. Sam had a dream. A dream inspired by the Sistine Chapel, but more importantly by Michelangelo's work therein. Sam Butcher's (that is his last name) dream is now a reality. Outside of Carthage, Missouri stands a physical manifestation of what our friend Sam feels God "has to say about His grace." It has taken on the form of the PRECIOUS MOMENTS chapel. Including beautiful murals inspired by those in the Sistine, it also boasts a Fountain of Angels, three restaurants, five gift shops, 121 hotel rooms, RV hook ups and wedding facilities. If you can't afford to travel on out there to be overwhelmed by the quality, you can visit it in far safer fashion at www.preciousmoments.com/ChapelS.htm.
Someday we'll think of something appropriate to do to Sam, but until then we can only recommend the franks and beans served next to the Fountain of Angels.
Fresh, Upbeat, and Loving
It may seem a little mean to pick on one specific church in a movement that seems intent on disgracing Christianity, but trust us. It's not that mean. Paradise Valley Community Church in Phoenix, Arizona is by no means the worst of the churches, even in its area, but we happened to have a spy present at one of their recent Sunday morning orgies and can give first hand evidence that the worship band did in fact play Janis Joplin's "Mercedes Benz." It was a very accurate imitation of the original, almost as if Janis herself had arisen from the dead to edify the congregation with her wisdom. This might not compare to the incident involving the same spy and a rendition of "The Sun has Got its Hat On" with all the motions, in an Anglican church older than our country, but it was made equally horrific because Miss Joplin's stand-in was named Cheri Beauchamp-Hunt and began by calling upon the well-respected muse known as Flower Power.
And after all the Sun has got its hat on.
Fleecing the Sheep
Israeli National Parks are preparing for the bunch of suckers that are expected to show up for Holy Land pilgrimages in the new millennium. One of the many things that they plan on constructing is a submerged bridge in the Sea of Galilee. It will be roughly thirteen feet wide and thirty feet long and will float two inches below the surface. Why, you might ask yourself, would they want such a thing? The answer of course is that fifty people at one time can stand on the bridge and feel like they are experiencing the miracle of walking on water. The danger is, of course, the lack of a rail on the bridge. A rail was not added because it was felt that it would hinder the overall "walking on water effect." Luckily, lifeguards will be on hand. The Roman Catholic Church has not decided if it will be included as a site on their official pilgrimage list, because they feel the bridge might "lead to various interpretations."
They considered hiring actors to portray paralytics so the tourists could have the healing experience, but Benny Hinn has the concept trademarked.
There is a church(?) in San Francisco referred to by its friends as St. Gregory of Nyssan. It is an Episcopal church, kind of. The two senior ministers have degrees from Cambridge and Princeton Theological Seminary but wear tie-dyed West African vestments in a service that includes dancing and the ringing of Buddhist cymbals, as well as some things regarding Jesus Christ. The inside of the Church is decorated with Ethiopian crosses and includes a Shinto shrine as well as a Chinese gong. The service includes a sh'ma and moments of reflection accompanied by cymbals. The Eucharist is taken after dancing to the front, and all are invited to partake regardless of faith. What type of people attend? Well, Katherine Powell Cohen for one, who describes herself in this fashion: "I'm an Episcopalian, and I think of myself as a practicing non-Jew."
Earthquakes are our only hope.
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