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Volume 12, Issue 1: Cave of Adullam

Mutterings on the Regnant Follies

Prester John

Sunny D
Dr. Duncan Cameron in North Wales has now taken his place with the greats of medicine. He recently discovered that Sunny Delight, that magnificent beverage, can turn children yellow and orange. A child was brought in to see him after her hands and face turned orange. Dr. Duncan, being a sharp sort of fellow, quickly located the problem. The orangish four-year-old girl had been consuming 1.5 litres of Sunny D every day. Proctor and Gamble readily admitted that their product did, in fact, turn people yellow or orange, but only when sucked up in these almost limitless quantities. Carrots, it seems, have the same effect when consumed in bulk.

And, of course, amillennialism comes from taking grape juice, quarterly, for communion.

For That Busy Pastor
Of course, one should always beware of any mailing that tries to catch the eye with appeals to “that busy pastor,” or anything like it. Something similar can be seen in a recent advertisement for Homilectics magazine, which we don’t think John Chrysostom or Charles Spurgeon subscribed to. “Fuel Your Type-A Preaching Personality,” we are exhorted. Sermons for modern and aspiring sons of thunder are available from these guys. Titles include things like: “Are you a Pet Pokemon or a Power Pokemon?” “Holiness in the Huddle” shows us how “Jesus was in the huddle calling the shots that gave a man his life back. He called for a two-point conversion . . .”. The best, however, has to be “Brave Dames and Wimpettes.” Deborah was “not a wimpette; she was one bodacious brave dame.”

In a similar development, a youth minister in California recently called for young skateboarders to be “Jedis for Jesus.” Like we need some more of that.

Bunk
Thanks to the poops down at SeedSowers we can now purchase “The Lord’s Own Autobiography.” What they’ve done is. . . well, perhaps we should just cite the cover of the book itself. “Matthew, Mark, Luke & John combined into one complete gospel and written in the first person singular thereby presenting—The Story of My Life as told by Jesus Christ.” Of course the most important thing is that it “Reads Like a Diary.” When SeedSowers was contacted by our staff for an explanation, their answering machine fishily insisted that they were too busy doing inventory to come to the phone.

In the candy store of Christendom, there's a whole section for popcorn flavored jelly beans.

2000
This upcoming Presidential campaign promises all the intricacies and respectability we as Americans have come to expect. For up-to-the-minute coverage of every major campaign, as well as intelligent perspectives on the subtleties of the various candidates’ strategies, most people would glue themselves to CNBC. But not us—we want the Reformed perspective.

We’ll be down at hamsterdance.com.

Pentaglot
It seems that some time during December of the past year INS officials discovered 33 illegal immigrants holding down jobs inside the Pentagon. Of course, the Pentagon claims they were all construction workers working for the contractors who had been hired to renovate the place, but we happen to know different. Three of them were washing windows, but the rest were all on staff with the joint chiefs. Local Hispanic community activists are griping that the greencard raid was ethnically motivated as all 33 of the nailed workers were Hispanic.

They were actually all Chinese dressed up as Mexicans. Just like Al Gore.

Rodham
We here at Credenda are very excited about the New York Senatorial race. We really hope Hillary wins and not just because it would improve late night talk shows.

We want to see her in the Presidential Debates in 2004 across from Jesse Ventura.

Blurbed
Baker Book House has rereleased a revised edition of Robert Webber’s Common Faith. The new edition is called Ancient-Future Faith, and looks like an interesting book in many respects. But the thing that caught this reviewer’s eye was the book blurb by Clark Pinnock. “Here is a faith for our time that finds in the ancient traditions the power to speak to the postmodern world.”

Leave it to Baker to find someone at war with the ancient traditions to commend them to postmodern poobahs. Coming next: Augustine’s On Christian Doctrine, blurbed, of course, by Meister Eckhart and Pelagius.

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