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Volume 13, Issue 2: Cave of Adullam

Mutterings on the Regnant Follies

Jeanette Ashcroft

Howís That Again?
The Washington Post recently quoted our new President on the subject of education reform. "You teach a child to read and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."

So the prez canít tell the difference between she and her. But this is better than the last one, who didnít know the difference between meum and tuum.

Hot Baptistry
A reliable report has come to us about a Southern Baptist church, out there somewhere, which, in order to encourage baptisms among children, has come up with a baptistry shaped like a fire truck, and which has a confetti cannon go off whenever a kid is baptized.

These are hard times for the humble aspiring satirist. Every time he thinks he has come up with something particularly fruity that will finally reveal the follies of our day to all and sundry, he lifts his head, and there, three steps ahead of him, are a bunch of modern evangelicals being, well, modern evangelicals.

Make That Five Steps
Houstonís Brentwood Baptist Church has added a MacDonaldís outlet to its learning center, complete with a drive-through window. This was done for the convenience of the families attending church.

And after baptisms at this church, the kids are given a Happy Meal and a John the Baptist action figure. Actually, we made this last bit up. Maybe.

Straight to the Point
A high school in Minnesota recently had a gay pride thingy, you know the drill. One stout fellow tried to wear a sweatshirt to school which said "Straight Pride" on it, and had a picture of a guy and a (ahem) girl holding hands. This was too much for the pursed-lipped Victorians who run the gummit schools, who banned the shirt.

The principal said it was because he was afraid of violence. He is actually (quite obviously) troubled by uninhibited chastity and sexuality in todayís youth. The young man settled with a shirt that said, "Help, Iím Being Repressed!" It should have said, "Help, Iím Being Educated by Sexual Dyslexics!"

Hey, Babee!
But not everyone is troubled by such topics. The newly elected prime minister of Israel, Ariel Sharon, had a little difficulty relating to the newly appointed diplomat from the Bush administration. As he put it, "I have to confess, it was hard for me to concentrate in the conversation with Condoleezza Rice, because she has such nice legs."

These are perilous times in the Middle East, friends.

Kicked in the Left Behind
Speaking of perilous times in the Middle East, National Review Online has taken the trouble of reviewing the Left Behind movie. To wit: "The movie . . . is bad beyond all telling. Itís like The Day of the Jackal as conceived by Ned Flanders, and produced by the film and video department of a rural Bible college. Hoo boy, is this thing ever an embarrassment."

We would have reviewed the movie ourselves in these pages, but that would have involved seeing it.

Mysterious Ways
The Word of Faith magazine reports on a remarkable healing. Seems that a young woman had a bad allergic reaction to a Hepatitis B vaccine, and was not doing well at all, apparently, until her sister had the pastoral staff at RHEMA Bible Church pray over a "Faith Friend," which is a little lion beanbag animal. The little guy was charged up with healing power like a battery, and when he arrived with the anointing, he was placed on her chest. She then got better.

But who is to say this little guy does not have as much of the power of the Holy Spirit as the rest of these name-it-claim-it ministers? Not us!

Fat Lot of Good Dept.
We recall with minimal edification the spectacle of John Ashcroft being made to fetch a few sticks during his confirmation hearings for the lofty post of attorney general. The only bright spot in the whole sorry affair was the possibility that he was lying his head off like a Hebrew midwife and, that after confirmation, he would tear the mask off and say ha, ha, ha, or words to that effect. But alas, in late February, our attorney general met with the Log Cabin Republicans (a homo group), and reiterated his commitment to the sexual demolition of America.

Letís redouble our efforts to get born-againers into office! All together now!

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