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Volume 13, Issue 5: Cave of Adullam

Mutterings on the Regnant Follies

Julius Americanus

Mortifying the Flesh
The body-piercing craze is being taken to the next level! This new improved model is called body modification, and in this process stainless steel (or teflon) balls are placed under the skin, creating interesting effects. For example, some of these effects are balls on the chest, or devil horns on the forehead. One fellow has gone so far as imitate a lizard. He has tattoos on his face, fingernails filed to claw-like points, implants over each eye for "horned ridge effect," teeth filed to a sharp point, and a split tongue.

Time's a wasting! How long are we going to let this kind of thing happen? How many youth ministers have lazily sat around and allowed the world to outdo us in this? Catch up, man!

Left Behind, Still
Jerry Falwell has announced the formation of the Tim LaHaye School of Prophecy. It is a one-year course, taught in Lynchburg, VA, and I suppose interested folks could write them for information.

Someone, just for grins, ought to endow the school with a couple million dollars, with the money due to come to them in, say, 2015. See if they accept it.

Pat Robertson Thunders the Law
In an interview with Wolf Blitzer, Pat Robertson excused, kind of, the Chinese policy of forcing women to have abortions. "Well, you know, I don't agree with it, but at the same time, they've got 1.2 billion people and they don't know what to do," Robertson said. "If every family over there was allowed to have three or four children, the population would be completely unsustainable." So, he said, "I think that right now they're doing what they have to do. I don't agree with the forced abortion, but I don't think the United States needs to interfere with what they're doing internally in this regard."

"And John the Baptist saith unto Herod, `Hath not the Scriptures taught us that felt needs are the true needs of the law? Hast thou tired of the wench? Get thee another!'"

News Flash
The International Planned Parenthood Foundation has published a "Youth Manifesto," in which young people are urged to engage in casual sex. The manifesto was denounced by traditionalists who still do not get it.

Did you know that C.S. Lewis was bad at sports because his thumbs wouldn't bend?

Get a Life Community Church
We have in our hands yet another brochure in an endless stream of brochures informing us breathlessly that traditional worship is stifling, boring, and that it reminds us too much of the faith of our fathers' holy faith. This brochure informs us that "Jesus was very creative in his approach to ministry and we believe innovation is essential today to make church relevant, worthwhile, and fun."

Of course, these brochure things talk about traditional worship services as though it were still possible to find one.

Another News Flash
MTV has apologized to a couple of fourteen-year-old girls who were splattered with human feces during the taping of one of their shows. And, no, we are not going to tell you how it happened.

But distinctions are still important. The real problem was that the feces in this case were three-dimensional, as opposed the usual digital feces that these teens were eagerly waiting to see the recording of.

Wife Beaters
Seems a fellow on the Internet is selling sleeveless undershirts, known informally to the world as "wife-beaters," with the word "wife-beater" embroidered on the front. He offers a discount on a second shirt if the customer can provide him with documented evidence that he has actually been convicted of wife-beating.

Not much can be done for those who have all their taste, what there is of it, in their mouth.

Really Cool Videos, Honest
Somebody is making videos with a super-hero in them that evangellykids can really identify with. He is called Bibleman, and he fights sin and stuff, and he has amazing abs, and he shows the world that if one becomes a Christian, one need not check his really stupid comic-book-mentality at the door of the church.

Well, maybe he does need to, but we can give him some superheroes that are every bit as silly.

Elvis is in the Building
The Rev. Dorian Baxter is an Anglican priest by day. But when the sun goes down, he morphs into Elvis Priest-ly. One fan, a Maggie Hampton, said, "I love his hip movements . . . He really rocks." The defense for this is thoroughly Pauline in character—"I have become all things . . ."

He goes on to say that he has brought many people to Christ through Elvis. Not to be confused with bringing people to God through Christ.

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