Volume 13, Issue 6: Cave of Adullam
Mutterings on the Regnant Follies
Publishing giant Harper Collins has purchased the rights to market all things Narnia in the English-speaking world. Their current plans include a toning down of all that Christian stuff, and the hiring of other fantasy writers to fill in the gaps of the Narnia stories, writing new and exciting Narnia books, using the same names and characters and so on, but not, heaven forfend, mimicking Lewis. They would have to write in their own plaintive voice.
And Aslan looked at Lucy tenderly. "How long were you a victim of literary trustee abuse (LTA)?" Lucy shook her head. "I . . . I donít know" she said. "It seems almost like a dream to me now." "Well," Aslan said, "you are not in England anymore, where literary trustees can do this sort of thing. And as for the memories that haunt you, we have hired a team of superb therapists at Cair Paravel." "But Aslan . . . do I still have to say and do the things they write for me to say and do?" Aslan looked down at her, his compassionate face framed by his rich, golden mane. "Iím afraid so, babe."
Name That Kid Eugene
A recent news report tells us that the human-egg business is flourishing like crazy. Average women can sell their eggs for about 5K, but tall, brainy, athletic blondes can get up to $80,000. Unfortunately, nothing can be done about the fact that the fathers who go in for this are all idiots.
A eugenics enthusiast once wrote George Bernard Shaw, another eugenics enthusiast, with the proposal that they get together to have a baby, a child that would have her body and Shawís intellect. Shaw replied that it couldnít be risked—the kid might have his body and her intellect.
PHavenít Had a Lawsuit Entry in a While
A couple of students at Pace University in New York sued their university because a basic computer-programming course they were taking had too much math in it, and the instructor, get this, expected them to know trigonometry and algorithms ní stuff.
We urge the authorities to be more proactive in these things. Sort through the applications before anyone is accepted, and sue the ones who have questionable SAT scores.
Love Your Veil, Baby
According to The New York Times, which was in its turn citing CIA sources, Saddam Hussein recently ghost-wrote a novel. The romantic novel came in at a whacking 160 pages, and is entitled Zabibah and the King. The dialogue is gripping, and includes stuff like this—the King: "Iím a great leader. You must obey me. Not only that, you must love me." Zabibah: "The people need strict measures so that they can feel protected by this strictness."
For those attracted to conspiracy theories, this might account for some of the dialogue in Mssrs. LaHaye & Jenkins.
Anybody Still Care?
The General Ass. of the Presbyterian Church (USA) recently voted to lift the ban on homosexuals being ordained to the ministry. The controversial move still has to be approved by a majority of the churchís 173 regional presbyteries, which, generally speaking, are more conservative than the General Ass. And, of course, also generally speaking, terms like conservative and liberal in the PCUSA have to be taken as relative terms.
Being conservative means having a terminal disease that has not yet worked out all the ramifications.
Jar of Wet Snails Dept.
A leading Spanish scientist, one Victor Cardenes, discovered, in the course of a visit to Belize, a fungus that eats CDs. Thatís right, this fungus eats aluminum, along with some of the data-storing polycarbonate resin.
Of course if fungi can eat CDs, then how do some groups get their music on them?
The News Keeps Flashing
Taking figures from the FBI and the French Ministry of the Interior, a recent study concluded that France has now surpassed the United States in levels of crime. For every 100,000 inhabitants, there were 4,244 crimes in France. There were 4,135 in the US.
We attribute this to the French approach to the environment, gun control, global warming, European Unity, and pronunciation. We exempt their views on bread, wine, and cheese.
Honest . . .
In an interesting move, a group of enterprising businessmen, that is to say, Kohlcraft Enterprises, have unveiled a line of Jeep SUV strollers.
No word yet on what kind of gas mileage they get.