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Volume 14, Issue 1: Cave of Adullam

Mutterings on the Regnant Follies

Stonewall Thompson

We Already Knew This
A scientific study at Cambridge University has determined that if you drug mice, and then make them listen to loud dance music, it kills them. The study has been attacked as "despicable" cruelty by animal welfare campaigners.

Loud dance music? The minuet is the only dance we know of, and a harpsichord can't play loud. What kind of science is this?

Credit-Where-Credit's-Due Dept.
We are not sure, but we think that Willow Creek Community Church has made it into the Cave more than anyone else. Some folks know how to strive for excellence.

After the 9-11 attacks, Senior Pastor Bill Hybels invited a local Muslim leader, Fisal Hammouda, to speak to the assembled worshippers—about 17,000 over four services. One worshipper commented after the service that she had not known that Muslims believed in Jesus too. "I thought it was interesting how much we have in common."
Muslim is a Unitarian in a turban. A modern evangelical is a Unitarian in a fog.

Yet Another Flyer
Another church, which shall remain nameless, but which almost certainly has "Community" in their name, has sent out a flyer to get people to come to their services. There is a picture of a rocketship on one side of the card, and a cheerful "Join as we launch!" on the other. Worshippers are exhorted: "Come in your jeans, t-shirts, and dirty old ball cap..."

Christianity is not a religion; it is a relationship with absolutely no demands, and multitudes of pathetic expectations.

Those Darn Assault Weapons
A minuteman is the school mascot of a middle school in Ft. Wayne, Indiana. This minuteman used to hold, in the typical fashion, the kind of musket that these extremists used to carry around back in the day. But the principal of said school, saying that guns have no place at school, had the picture repainted, sans gun.

We think he should be painted a third time, this time without a backbone.

Ultimate Forgery
A Christian catalog company had a little sidebar thingy entitled "Seven Creative Ways to Share Jesus." The first one was "Send a friend a greeting card of encouragement and sign it from Jesus."

You may have to practice the handwriting some.

Les Behind, as the French Say
We obtained an evangelistic tract called "Left Behind: The Message." After the message part, the suggested prayer starts this way: "Dear God, I believe in You, and I believe everything You say in the Bible is true. I believe the earth's last days are close . . ."

Some folks believe their eschatology strongly enough to include it in the Sinner's Prayer. But do they believe it strongly enough to include a clause that allows someone to opt out when the whole thing turns out to be another dud? Again. "I believe everything you say in the Bible is true, and that earth's last days are close. But if it turns out that they are not close, and this whole business is just one more false alarm, and the Lord has not returned by 2010, I am afraid I will have to call into question everything else in the Bible, and leave the church that scared me into the faith under false pretences. Thank you, Lord, for . . ."

Sometimes we are tempted to think that the market on superstitious religious folly has been cornered by modern evangelicals. But then we get hold of something that shows that this kind of thing has been going on for quite some time now. So check out the products at—especially those magnet ones for the fridge.


Principled Decisions, Pt. XXXIX
The Western Division of the Salvation Army has reversed its earlier stand on same-sex partner benefits, and has decided to offer them. This move will allow them to compete for taxpayer money in San Francisco, which has an ordinance requiring city contractors to offer such benefits to their employees with domestic partners, whether married or unmarried, inboard or outboard. One spokesman for the Salvation Army said, "This decision . . . is made on the basis of strong ethical and moral reasoning that reflects the dramatic changes in family structure in recent years."

Kind of restores your faith in human nature. This is the kind of thing we need much more of in these relativistic days—why can't more organizations see the benefits of "strong ethical and moral reasoning"?

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