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Volume 14, Issue 1: Cave of Adullam

Mutterings on the Regnant Follies

Pogo Throckmorton

Pumpkin Liturgy
We got this flyer, like what gets sent through the mails, and it promotes holiday paraphenalia for the promotion of piety. One of the items for sale was a bookmark that had "The Pumpkin Prayer" to help the liturgically inept with their pumpkin carvings. "Dear God, As I carve my pumpkin help me say this prayer." Cut the top of the pumpkin: "Open my mind so I can learn about You." Clean out the inside: "Take away all my sin and forgive me for the bad things I do." And lots more.

And then count the seeds and ask yourself if these are also inside your head, causing all the trouble.

A Day of Prophecheesy
Dr. Tim LaHaye and Dr. Ed Hindson spoke at Thomas Road Baptist Church on February 2, and it was slated as "A Day of Prophecy." The topics addressed were "Bible Prophecy and the War on Terrorism," "Is the Antichrist Alive Today?" and other recycled hits.

Our dispensational future-meister brethren have created a completely new approach to this subject. In Deuteronomy 18, a prophet was to be rejected if he got anything wrong. In today's eschatofrenzy, a prophecy expert can only maintain his credentials by gettingeverything wrong.

Thomas Kinkade, master of the eerie glow, has really done it now. Kinkade, known in some circles as the Painter of Blight R, manages to get his name and work to adhere to anything with a reasonably flat surface. He licenses collector plates, La-Z-Boy recliners, wallpaper, mugs, you know the deal. But now he has authorized the development of "The Village, a Thomas Kinkade Community," where homes modeled after his gingerbread style, will start in the $400,000 range. As Kinkade put it, "We are every bit as ambitious as the people who developed the Martha Stewart brand 10 years ago."

The only real difference is that Martha Stewart, for all her faults, has some aesthetic sense.

Waiting on the Red Letter Edition
Everybody knows about it, but we have not commented on it in this space before—The Prayer of Jabez is available now in leather binding.

Isn't that like putting a baloney sandwich under glass?

A Helpful Reader
An encouraging reader sent along a submission for the Cave—it was a sermon outline from a modern evangelical

Total Dependency (of man upon God for salvation and realized purpose).
Unconditional Love (with which the Creator longs for all mankind).
Limited Availability (for saving love is solely found in Christ and in this life).
Invitational Grace (extending "the day of God's favor" to "whosoever will").
Personal Security (in the forgiveness and peace promised to all who believe).
But there is a bright side. If modern evangelicalism starts adopting the use of the tulip, the Reformed can drop it—and high time—and we can look forward to future theological developments around this theme. T is for Total Theological Naivete. U is for Ugliness in Liturgy. L is for Limited Liability, because all the trained counselors on staff are insured. I is for me. And P is for Popsicle Stand, which seems to fit in somehow.

According to The American Enterprise, a magazine of some note, the Thorupgaarden Nursing Home in Copenhagen, Denmark "now offers its elderly residents erotic magazines, pornography on a videochannel, and the services of prostitutes."


Over There and Otiose
The Guardian of London reported that eleven British secondary schools turned down the gift of a library of classic books worth 3,000 pounds because they were "too difficult" for the students. Herodotus for example, according to one teacher, was "far too boring." The texts were rejected because they had "too much text, dull covers and too fewbright visual images."

Forget the lack of bright images. What about the lack of bright teachers?

Sah . . . moking
Montgomery County Council in Maryland approved a measure making it illegal for people to smoke in their own homes if the smoke in any way escapes from their property and somebody complains, which someone is sure to do in a state full of such whiners.

Somebody needs to go through the Maryland state song again and find that line about the despot's heel.

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