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Volume 14, Issue 3: Cave of Adullam

Mutterings on the Regnant Follies


Pop Quiz
A recent order of a church service was given to us, and it appears that the call to worship was a song by James Taylor, the meditation was written by Franz Kafka, and the sermon was entitled "Learning the Hard Way."

Now here is the quiz part. Was this service at a Unitarian Universalist Church or was it at a modern evangelical church near you? And how could you tell?
Right. Kafka has too much substance for an mod-ev service.

A Rose by Any Other Name
The Medical Board of California issued a report entitled "Syphilis: Ancient Nemesis." In the course of the report they referred to a new category called MSM (men who have sex with men).

At first we thought it meant MicroSoft Men.

As you all know by now, the Biblemongers down at the International Bible Society have announced plans for a new homosexual-neutral Bible. Called Today's New International Version, or TNIV, the Bible will be released despite controversy in some conservative circles.

Some of the details above are not accurate, which is all right because we have decided to commission a new Sinners' Study Bible, where all the bothersome "nots" are taken out of the Commandments. This works better for us.

What About Our Feelings?
A newspaper report says that Granada Hills High School in LA was so worried about hurting the feelings of students that they decided to choose 44 different valedictorians.

The student who did not speak left in tears to pursue a career in counseling.

Good News for the Reformation
Just when we were getting really worried, we received a catalog entitled Catholic Child. This has shown us that modern evangelicals do not have—by any stretch—a monopoly on religiously stupid kitsch. From teddy-bear guardian angels, to statues of Jesus playing hockey with kids, to Guardian Angel Superhero prints, this catalog has it all.

But we're still in the running. See next item.

Flippant Epistles
We got another catalog, called Living Epistles, this one by the evangelical heirs of Calvin, Tyndale, Barnum and Bailey. One tee-shirt has an American flag emblazoned on the front, with a picture of Jesus superimposed, and a subscription that says "In God We Trust," breaking two or three commandments all at once. Another tee-shirt displays a note, in the post-it-on-the-fridge fashion, but the note is nailed to the cross. It says, "Gone to see Dad. We're fixin a place for you. Be back soon to pick you up. Jesus."

Times like these make it necessary for us to mentally review (again) the arguments against smacking fellow believers on the head with a gym sock full of deck screws.

Swooshes Everywhere
Heard on the radio that some lady scientist is doing some work in genetic engineering that will enable her to reproduce corporate logos on butterfly wings.

Why are we always behind? Why aren't we trying to figure out a way to get John 3:16 on there?

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer
Two men were arrested in Alaska while man-handling a 500 pound safe out of a building they were robbing. But it appears that they had forgotten that they had arrived there on bicycles.

That's the Ticket
Seasame Street has announced their first full-fledged HIV-positive muppet character. This was accomplished, if "accomplished" is the word we want, for the version of the show in South Africa. But, lest ye be disconsolate, plans are afoot here in the States to do the same thing. The news was announced by Joel Schneider, vice president and senior adviser to the Sesame Street Workshop, speaking by telephone to the 14th International AIDS Conference in Spain. "This character will be fully part of the community," he said. "She will have high self-esteem."

High self-esteem for muppets? When does she die?

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