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Volume 14, Issue 6: Cave of Adullam

Mutterings on the Regnant Follies

Sir Jagger

But Who Won?
We learn from the newspaper that an unfortunate incident occurred in Georgetown, Kentucky. A beauty contest coordinator named Kathy Wallace was charged with assault after she roughed up contestant Keaton Brown, who had insisted on lassoing a stuffed pig on stage for her talent presentation. The controversy was over whether this talent was "ladylike."

Not that our opinion is valued on matters of etiquette, but we think that Ms. Wallace should have punched the pig.

A contest from the upper Midwest announces that they are looking for entries in a hymn-writing contest that will call "the church to affirm gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender persons and to celebrate their gifts and ministries."

We withhold the name of the presbytery sponsoring the contest for fear that some of our less refined readers will enter submissions trying to rhyme stuff with sodomy.

Rich Liturgical Thinking
One web page posts ideas for "youth groups," and one of their concerns involves "terrorist attack resources." A correspondent from Ohio posted a communion idea—they used white doughnuts with the white representing the innocence of those lives lost and because doughnuts are associated with the morning when the attacks happened. They also used Hawaiian Punch to represent the mix of cultures grieving. They also reminded the kids that these elements truly represent the body and blood of Christ.

We conform to our worship, and liturgical logic always works its way out. So finally, a fitting sacramental description of the modern evangelical church—powdery white doughnuts and fruit punch!

Too Many Commandments to Keep Track Of
Another web site, called JesusImages, has a picture of Christ under the heading "I am with you always." Scattered all over the page are the names of various vocations—carpet layer, insurance agent, truck driver, barber, and so on. Click on any of these, and you find another image of Jesus helping that kind of someone do that particular job.

The only problem is that it is apparent Jesus didn't want to help the person who drew all the pictures.

Heading over the Verizon
Verizon, the telecompany, you know, was recently deluged with all kinds of honors. said that Verizon's web site was "comprehensive and well-designed." It also said that pictures of people of color were woven throughout the whole site to "good effect." And if that wasn't enough to make the top execs pop all their buttons, Girlfriends magazine said Verizon was the second best place in America for lesbians to work. American Express took first place, but with all the crackerjack diversity commitment that Verizon obviously has, I bet those pseudo-egalitarians down at AmEx are hearing footsteps! Cited in this invaluable honor were Verizon's "zero-tolerance rule for sexual or any type of employee harrassment" and "retirement benefits for domestic partners."

But what kind of rating did they get from Guns and Ammo?

Shamelessness in a Bull Market
The CBD catalog is carrying the NIV Boy's Bible, the latest in a line of what Ted Letis calls Designer Bibles. This one is targeting 8 to 12-year-old boys. Applying Luke 2:52, the study tracks are designed to help young men grow "Deeper, Smarter, Stronger, and Cooler" in the Lord. Then there are the "Grossology" sections that highlight "gross and gory" portions of Scripture.

If their gross and gory sections included 2 Timothy 2:20, with an ironic air of self-awareness, we drop our objection.

A New Idea For Once
Out Montana way, the Missoula Independent carried this story called "Christian Cool" about the outrageous courage of a young pastor who is rebelling against the staid old traditional ways. "I'll do anything to get people involved and excited," Erbele says. "From fishing for trout out of a tank to wearing a coconut bra."

We have never heard of anything like this! Fresh! Irreverent! Relevant to the young! Skateboards! It makes us tremble to think of such defiance of traditional customs. He might even have pizza for the youth group!

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