Volume 14, Issue 6: The Cretan Times
Bush Sends Weapons Inspectors to Canada
WASHINGTON, D.C.President Bush denied reports
that the U.N. heeded his order to send weapons inspectors to Canada
in retaliation for being called a "moron" by an aide to
Prime Minister Chretien. "The two have absolutely no connectionaries,"
said president Bush. "We have intelligence information showing
that Canada is either building a long-range missile or a new hockey
rink, and we want the U.N. to check it out."
In response to questions as to why the inspectors would
begin their work at the insulting aide'sFrancoise
Ducros'apartment, President Bush explained, "That
was a U.N. decision, out of my jurisdiction. I my own self certainly hold
no hostile intents toward anyone who uses the M-word."
Ducros called Bush a moron under her breath during a
November NATO briefing meeting, and the resulting public controversy
led Prime Minister Chretien to seek her resignation. The scandal grew
as polls showed Canadians preferring Ducros be given a promotion.
Prime Minister Chretien said, "President Bush is not a moron;
he's my friend." Chretien explained he himself would welcome the
weapons inspectors into his palace and would share the Canadian delicacy
with them. Chretien qualified his statements by explaining, "I
don't necessarily disagree with Lord Bush, but the photos he showed
me seemed, maybe, like photos of Toronto's CN Tower and not
a long-range missile. But I don't know Canada as well as my dear, dear
friend George Bush does."
Carter Offers to Mediate L.A. Laker Dispute
UPPSALA, SwedenFormer President Jimmy Carter said Thursday
he was willing to mediate peace talks between Laker center Shaquille
O'Neal and the remainder of the L.A. Laker basketball team, but only if the
U.S. government asked him to.
With the World Champion Lakers continuing to struggle with a
severe losing record this season, Shaquille O'Neal is deriding his teammates'
play. After a recent loss, O'Neal told reporters on Tuesday, "Talk to
the guys that ain't doing nothing. Don't talk to me." Laker teammate
Derek Fisher responded, "He's bigger than me, but he has to be careful not to
pass the blame on to other guys. We need to stick together."
Two weeks ago, teammates faced similar criticisms from superstar
Kobe Bryant. Robert Horry said, "If the two big dogs were up to me, I'd
trade them both."
Jimmy Carter helped broker the 1978 Camp David accords
that turned the Middle East into the peaceful region it is today. During
a speech to students at the University of Uppsala, Carter said,
"Until President Bush, every president has played a balancing role as a
trusted mediator between Lakers. Now it seems that President Bush can
only side with the Israelis in favor of the Laker superstars."
Carter added that he would be willing to "go immediately and
with great alacrity to help sort out this conflict between the
oppressed players and the two big dogs."
Marines Apologize for Special Ops Toys for Tots Christmas Distribution
WASHINGTON, D.C.Lt. Gen. Matthew T. Cooper, USMC
(Ret.) publicly apologized Friday for the 55th annual Toys for Tots Campaign
that involved Special Operation forces on leave from the Middle East. "Though
we are regularly pleased with our Toys for Tots annual campaign to help
every child throughout the United States experience the joy of Christmas, we
do concede that things got a little out of hand this year. We are truly sorry for
the collateral damage, especially to our Jewish, Muslim, and agnostic friends."
Toys for Tots has long been the U.S. Marine Corps' premier
community action program and the only endeavor within the Department
of Defense which reaches outside the military establishment to make
a difference in communities nationwide.
Cooper explained that Toys for Tots collected 7.1 million toys in
the fall of 2002. "We wanted our mission this year to achieve its tactical objectives far beyond any other
year. We wanted no child to be toyless." But Special Ops soldiers who
had been recruited to help while on leave had apparently not been back
in civilian life long enough and were undertrained for toy distribution.
Forces infiltrated houses at night, damaging property and
panicking neighborhoods. When given toy supplies ran out, they
subdivided toys and threatened objecting children. Their field
intelligence revealed entire neighborhoods that lacked both Christmas trees and
toys. Cooper explained, "We have agreed to repair all damaged property
in countless Hassidic and Muslim neighborhoods, and we will
gladly take back the offending toys."
Carnival Cruise Lines Bans Food on Voyages
NEW ORLEANS, LAThe recent rash of viral outbreaks
on various cruise lines led Carnival Cruise lines, yesterday, to
announce that it was banning all food on its Caribbean cruises. "We want to
be proactive in winning passenger confidence back, and this
decision removes customer doubts immediately," said Carnival CEO
Arneson explained that this move
fits in with numerous "survival" marketing themes that Carnival
had already planned. "Passengers were already tiring of our 24-hour
gourmet buffets. They would return from cruises weighing ten or twelve
pounds heavier, and this created negative feedback to customer service."
Carnival is pitching its new seven-day to 28-day "all-fast"
survival cruises to the 18-38 year-old dieting market. "These folks can lose
weight, exercise, and enjoy watching movies of past cruise feasts in order
to strengthen their personal resolve."
Alcoholic beverages will
continue to be served as usual. Arneson added that all-fast passengers will find
that Caribbean sunsets take on delightful and unexpected colors when
one hasn't eaten in six days. Senior citizens will be allowed to
bring limited sack lunches, but they "may not taunt other passengers."
Vatican Announces Wireless Magisterium
VATICAN CITY, ItalyFaced with the challenge of competing
in the ecclesiastical marketplace of the 21st century, the Vatican
today announced a bold new move that left some church observers unsettled.
Fr. Johannes Verdi announced the development at a press
conference late Tuesday. "After some serious internal review, which we
then compared to the results of a three-year demographic survey, we decided that we had to market our
distinctives and up-grade those distinctives where we could. After much debate,
we decided this meant wireless hook-up for the
"Under the older set-up, when we went to download
ex cathedra pronouncments from heaven, the wait-time was simply
unacceptable. Not only that, but we also had to deal
with a possible garble factor. When official church dogma rides on
ones and zeros, you can't have too clean a connection. One time we
almost canonized Jerry Falwell, and he's not even dead yet. That, and he's
Fr. Verdi estimated that the transition to the new system
should take around six months.
Cop Chicks United
LOS ANGELESA class action lawsuit was filed in
district court today on behalf of all women in law enforcement. Lt.
Cheryl Buckley, the spokesperson for the National Association of
Copchicks (NAC), fielded questions on the courthouse steps afterwards.
Asked for a summary of the complaint, she said that it
amounted to a request for a summary judgment on the basis of a climate of
discrimination. "People on the street simply do not respect our authority. I
have had friends break into tears over it. I have heard it is even worse over
in South Central, but I can't speak to that firsthand. The guys on the
force don't let us go over there anymore."
Wal-Mart Enforces Full Body Scans
BENTONVILLE, ARIn an effort to continue to lead the
nation as "America's store," the
Wal-Mart corporation announced Wednesday that it would be requiring full
body scans of customers for every purchase. "You never know where
terrorism might show up," said Wal-Mart president, Lee Scott. "We're
doing our part in the war against terror and to ensure that our customers
remain healthy buyers for a long, long time."
These increasingly popular scans supply doctors with a view into
the body from the neck to ankles, giving a complete three-dimensional tour of
a person's interior organs and their functioning. Promoted as a way
to give peace of mind, the scans can spot any abnormality that may
require follow-up tests and invasive surgery.
"The plan is to have television monitors next to the cash-registers
so customers, not just clerks, can enjoy a look at their liver, lungs, and
kneecaps," said Scott. "It's quite
painless. The vision of a full body interior
might even add some much needed levity to the check-out wait."
Scott closed the press conference by explaining, "body scans will
surely cut down on shoplifting in a grand way, but more importantly, our
in-store budgets can be adjusted automatically via computer network if
we know we'll be losing a long-time customer to some
life-threatening disease. We don't want to over
order on any product."