Volume 15, Issue 1: The Cretan Times
Scheduling Conflicts Hindered Iraqi War
BAGHDAD, IraqWhite House sources reveal that Saddam
Hussein's busy social calendar continued to frustrate the Bush administration's
war plans. The final delay was due to a prior commitment to speak at
a journalism conference that Hussein had failed to note on his calendar.
The Bush administration had suggested seven war dates, but as
each approached, the White House received a phone call from Hussein's
appointment secretary requesting a postponement of the war.
"Last minute things kept coming up," said White House press
secretary Ari Fleischer. "We live in a busy world. There's not much we could do."
The White House concedes that the reasons given for Hussein's
postponements almost always involve family commitments of one sort or
another. Hussein was unable to meet for war twice due to his granddaughters'
ballet recitals and twice due to last minute plumbing emergencies.
"They are always polite and mortified," said Fleischer. "But the President had his limits. We couldn't go on like that forever. Saddam Hussein
had to learn to keep his commitments."
Germany/ France Ponder Becoming Islamic Nations
PARISFrench President Jacques Chirac and German
Chancellor Gerard Schroeder announced their countries would study what
is involved in becoming Islamic states so as to minimize the threat
of terrorism. "War can only perpetuate terrorism," said Chirac.
"We want a more proactive approach."
Chirac added, "The key issue is that we would still be permitted
to speak French. They are willing to grant that, as long as
Democrats Demand Their Own War
WASHINGTON, D.C.House and Senate Democrats today
grew tired of supporting the President's war with Iraq and issued a
demand for their own war.
"Republicans always get high ratings for their wars, and
we're always left in the dust," declared Senate Democratic leader
Tom Daschle. "We need a relatively small conflict, say, a simple
smart-bomb campaign with Qatar, Palau, Tuvalu, or even the Seychelles. Island
countries are always preferable."
Democrats have put in several war bids with the President,
but Daschle complains President Bush "has only offered us North Korea
or British Columbia. We didn't find that very funny." Daschle admitted in
the press conference that the President had also offered Andorra,
"but further research found that it is a French protectorate. Too petty."
Daschle announced that his staff is researching the rumor
suggesting that Congress can declare war without the President's permission.
Bush Urges U.S. Manufacturers to Recall Iraqi Weapons
WASHINGTON, D.C.In a surprise strategic initiative, President
Bush called upon those U. S. corporations that supplied Iraq with armaments
of mass destruction to issue voluntary manufacturer recalls on all
their weapons. The initiative was prompted by recent international
revelations detailing how major U.S. corporations and governmental agencies helped
Iraq build its biological, chemical, and nuclear weapons programs over the
past two decades.
The President called upon Hewlett Packard, Dupont,
Honeywell, Rockwell, Bechtel, Unisys, and eighteen other corporations to
declare weapon components unsafe for consumer use. "By demanding
an immediate return upon violation of warranty, these companies can help
the war effort significantly," said President Bush. The published initiative
suggests that manufacturers "reexamine the latches on everything, since that
is usually where things break down." Once Iraq returns the weapons to
the corporations for repairs or replacement parts, the corporations should stall
and contact the Pentagon, "even though
this might undermine typical customer service procedures."
The President assured the companies that such a bold
act would not hinder consumer confidence in their nonexplosive
products. The recall proposal also hints that those companies not
voluntarily agreeing to the recall would face repetitive phone calls from
the Better Business Bureau.
A joint public statement from Hewlett-Packard, Honeywell,
and Rockwell reiterated their patriotic support of the President's war
effort but declared that no recalls would be issued unless Saddam
Hussein had receipts or other proofs of purchase.
The initiative also calls upon the Lawrence Livermore and
Los Alamos laboratories to issue statements suggesting that
their training of Iraqi scientists and supply of nonfissile material
for nuclear weapons was an elaborate practical joke.
"Banned-Book Week" to Celebrate Racism, Anti-Semitism, Homophobia, Deforestation, and the Military-Industrial Complex
CHICAGOIn preparation for this year's "Banned Books Week,"
the American Library Association and other sponsors announced they
will dedicate their financial resources toward helping every
community library display and house the best collections of Aryan Nation,
anti-feminist, and homophobic literature, as well as the latest
holocaust-denial research. They are urging libraries
on limited budgets to also highlight texts defending eco-deforestation,
tobacco company research, the benefits of multinational corporations, and
The annual event reminds Americans not to take for granted
the precious democratic freedom to read. Every year the ALA's Office
for Intellectual Freedom receives reports
on books that have been banned, threatened, or challenged to
be removed from school or library shelves. The "most challenged"
titles include the Harry Potter series, but
also titles by John Steinbeck, Mark Twain, Maya Angelou, and Dave Barry.
"Children should be encouraged to challenge everythingthe
holocaust, racism, feminism, and homosexuality," said ALA president-elect
Carla Hayden. When challenged if the ALA would also be
displaying books arguing in favor of censorship and librarian abuse, Hayden
said, "Bring `em on. Books can never hurt children; only spankings can."
Democrats Vow to Disrobe Statue of Liberty
WASHINGTON, D.C.Six of the eight democratic presidential
candidates have promised to disrobe the Statue of Liberty if elected.
Joe Lieberman has insisted that she wear a bathing suit, Chris Dodd has
allowed for a tight towel.
This new Democratic response to the Bush administration arose
in response to Attorney General John Ashcroft's draping of the
bare-breasted statues in the Justice Department. The statues have been
there since 1936, and the move prompted national concern over prudery.
Democratic candidate John Kerry lashed out at the Justice
department. "The American people are unafraid
of nudity in our national monuments and in the White House. And I plan
to give it to them."
Martin Luther King Day Celebrated with Widespread Adultery/Plagiarism Parties
HOLLYWOODFor an increasing number of Americans, Martin
Luther King Day is no longer a time of relaxation or volunteerism but a
day to commit adultery and plagiarize. "It is a time for the nation to
remember the soul of Dr. King. A time to remember his fight for
personal license, equal claims to authorship, and the dignity of other
people's wives. A time to remember the message of change through
nonviolence," said Rep. Rico Hall, California Democrat.
More than 10,000 people in Philadelphia and 30,000 in
Hollywood volunteered to commit adultery within city limits. Some
participated in "mock" adultery parties,
where everyone wore body stockings, but others were more true to the
King tradition. The parties closed with a unison-chanting of the famous Martin Luther King line "Injustice
anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."
Smaller groups in several cities, from Chicago to Charlotte, N. C.,
to San Diego, also used the holiday to copy scholars' critical writings
and claim them as their own. "Dr. King only copied half of his
doctoral dissertation from dead guys like J. H. Randall, D. E. Roberts, and
Paul Tillich, but I'm claiming entire chapters of Toni Morrison as
my own," said Jennifer Green, a high-school student from Decatur, AL.
Schools in New York had students relive the "I Have a
Dream" plagiarism from Archibald Carey by reenacting convention speeches
from Senator Joseph Biden. "Students receive recognition for the work
they copy," Albany county superintendent
Henry Blair says. "We believe if students can commit to two weeks
of plagiarism, they can commit to a month. That becomes a year, then
a year becomes a lifetime."
The new holiday slant has triggered some negative reactions.
"I don't like all the secretive aspects of the adultery parties. Sure,
everyone admits that King did it secretly, but I think we should grow beyond
that," says Hannie Jenkins of Portland. It's
a "commentary about Human Rights in general," says Jerry Bernstein,
director of the Pittsburgh Day of Service.
"It's also a very strong statement about the King holiday and the shift
toward finding meaningful ways to celebrate his life of action and helping
others. We all need to strive to be more like Dr. King."