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Volume 15, Issue 1: The Cretan Times

Scheduling Conflicts Hindered Iraqi War

Douglas Jones

BAGHDAD, Iraq—White House sources reveal that Saddam Hussein's busy social calendar continued to frustrate the Bush administration's war plans. The final delay was due to a prior commitment to speak at a journalism conference that Hussein had failed to note on his calendar.

The Bush administration had suggested seven war dates, but as each approached, the White House received a phone call from Hussein's appointment secretary requesting a postponement of the war.
"Last minute things kept coming up," said White House press secretary Ari Fleischer. "We live in a busy world. There's not much we could do."
The White House concedes that the reasons given for Hussein's postponements almost always involve family commitments of one sort or another. Hussein was unable to meet for war twice due to his granddaughters' ballet recitals and twice due to last minute plumbing emergencies.
"They are always polite and mortified," said Fleischer. "But the President had his limits. We couldn't go on like that forever. Saddam Hussein had to learn to keep his commitments."


Germany/ France Ponder Becoming Islamic Nations

Douglas Jones

PARIS—French President Jacques Chirac and German Chancellor Gerard Schroeder announced their countries would study what is involved in becoming Islamic states so as to minimize the threat of terrorism. "War can only perpetuate terrorism," said Chirac. "We want a more proactive approach."

Chirac added, "The key issue is that we would still be permitted to speak French. They are willing to grant that, as long as /continued A9


Democrats Demand Their Own War

Douglas Jones

WASHINGTON, D.C.—House and Senate Democrats today grew tired of supporting the President's war with Iraq and issued a demand for their own war.

"Republicans always get high ratings for their wars, and we're always left in the dust," declared Senate Democratic leader Tom Daschle. "We need a relatively small conflict, say, a simple smart-bomb campaign with Qatar, Palau, Tuvalu, or even the Seychelles. Island countries are always preferable."
Democrats have put in several war bids with the President, but Daschle complains President Bush "has only offered us North Korea or British Columbia. We didn't find that very funny." Daschle admitted in the press conference that the President had also offered Andorra, "but further research found that it is a French protectorate. Too petty."
Daschle announced that his staff is researching the rumor suggesting that Congress can declare war without the President's permission.


Bush Urges U.S. Manufacturers to Recall Iraqi Weapons

Douglas Jones

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a surprise strategic initiative, President Bush called upon those U. S. corporations that supplied Iraq with armaments of mass destruction to issue voluntary manufacturer recalls on all their weapons. The initiative was prompted by recent international revelations detailing how major U.S. corporations and governmental agencies helped Iraq build its biological, chemical, and nuclear weapons programs over the past two decades.

The President called upon Hewlett Packard, Dupont, Honeywell, Rockwell, Bechtel, Unisys, and eighteen other corporations to declare weapon components unsafe for consumer use. "By demanding an immediate return upon violation of warranty, these companies can help the war effort significantly," said President Bush. The published initiative suggests that manufacturers "reexamine the latches on everything, since that is usually where things break down." Once Iraq returns the weapons to the corporations for repairs or replacement parts, the corporations should stall and contact the Pentagon, "even though
this might undermine typical customer service procedures."
The President assured the companies that such a bold act would not hinder consumer confidence in their nonexplosive products. The recall proposal also hints that those companies not voluntarily agreeing to the recall would face repetitive phone calls from the Better Business Bureau.
A joint public statement from Hewlett-Packard, Honeywell, and Rockwell reiterated their patriotic support of the President's war effort but declared that no recalls would be issued unless Saddam Hussein had receipts or other proofs of purchase.
The initiative also calls upon the Lawrence Livermore and Los Alamos laboratories to issue statements suggesting that their training of Iraqi scientists and supply of nonfissile material for nuclear weapons was an elaborate practical joke.


"Banned-Book Week" to Celebrate Racism, Anti-Semitism, Homophobia, Deforestation, and the Military-Industrial Complex

Douglas Jones

CHICAGO—In preparation for this year's "Banned Books Week," the American Library Association and other sponsors announced they will dedicate their financial resources toward helping every community library display and house the best collections of Aryan Nation, anti-feminist, and homophobic literature, as well as the latest holocaust-denial research. They are urging libraries on limited budgets to also highlight texts defending eco-deforestation, tobacco company research, the benefits of multinational corporations, and snuff films.

The annual event reminds Americans not to take for granted the precious democratic freedom to read. Every year the ALA's Office for Intellectual Freedom receives reports
on books that have been banned, threatened, or challenged to be removed from school or library shelves. The "most challenged" titles include the Harry Potter series, but also titles by John Steinbeck, Mark Twain, Maya Angelou, and Dave Barry.
"Children should be encouraged to challenge everything—the holocaust, racism, feminism, and homosexuality," said ALA president-elect
Carla Hayden. When challenged if the ALA would also be displaying books arguing in favor of censorship and librarian abuse, Hayden said, "Bring `em on. Books can never hurt children; only spankings can."


Democrats Vow to Disrobe Statue of Liberty

Douglas Jones

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Six of the eight democratic presidential candidates have promised to disrobe the Statue of Liberty if elected. Joe Lieberman has insisted that she wear a bathing suit, Chris Dodd has allowed for a tight towel.

This new Democratic response to the Bush administration arose in response to Attorney General John Ashcroft's draping of the bare-breasted statues in the Justice Department. The statues have been there since 1936, and the move prompted national concern over prudery.
Democratic candidate John Kerry lashed out at the Justice department. "The American people are unafraid of nudity in our national monuments and in the White House. And I plan to give it to them."


Martin Luther King Day Celebrated with Widespread Adultery/Plagiarism Parties

Douglas Jones

HOLLYWOOD—For an increasing number of Americans, Martin Luther King Day is no longer a time of relaxation or volunteerism but a day to commit adultery and plagiarize. "It is a time for the nation to remember the soul of Dr. King. A time to remember his fight for personal license, equal claims to authorship, and the dignity of other people's wives. A time to remember the message of change through nonviolence," said Rep. Rico Hall, California Democrat.

More than 10,000 people in Philadelphia and 30,000 in Hollywood volunteered to commit adultery within city limits. Some participated in "mock" adultery parties, where everyone wore body stockings, but others were more true to the King tradition. The parties closed with a unison-chanting of the famous Martin Luther King line "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."
Smaller groups in several cities, from Chicago to Charlotte, N. C., to San Diego, also used the holiday to copy scholars' critical writings and claim them as their own. "Dr. King only copied half of his doctoral dissertation from dead guys like J. H. Randall, D. E. Roberts, and Paul Tillich, but I'm claiming entire chapters of Toni Morrison as my own," said Jennifer Green, a high-school student from Decatur, AL.
Schools in New York had students relive the "I Have a Dream" plagiarism from Archibald Carey by reenacting convention speeches from Senator Joseph Biden. "Students receive recognition for the work they copy," Albany county superintendent Henry Blair says. "We believe if students can commit to two weeks of plagiarism, they can commit to a month. That becomes a year, then a year becomes a lifetime."
The new holiday slant has triggered some negative reactions. "I don't like all the secretive aspects of the adultery parties. Sure, everyone admits that King did it secretly, but I think we should grow beyond that," says Hannie Jenkins of Portland. It's a "commentary about Human Rights in general," says Jerry Bernstein, director of the Pittsburgh Day of Service. "It's also a very strong statement about the King holiday and the shift toward finding meaningful ways to celebrate his life of action and helping others. We all need to strive to be more like Dr. King."

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