Volume 15, Issue 2: Cretan Times
Pope Declares Crusade Against Bush for Disobedience on Iraq
VATICAN CITYPope John Paul II on Saturday declared
a military crusade against President Bush and the U.S. for waging
war against Iraq. In the General Audience declaration, the pope reminded
the gathered crowd he had openly warned President Bush not to go to war
and that there would consequences.
"He chose to ignore us," said
the pope. "When war, as in these days in Iraq, threatens the fate of humanity,
it is ever more urgent to proclaim, with a strong and decisive voice, that
only obedience to the Holy See can lead to a more peaceful and just society."
A few hours after the war began, the Vatican expressed "deep
and faulted both sides for failing to get along, but until Saturday, the
pope himself had not spoken about the attacks. Before the war, the pope
had sent a cardinal to plead with President Bush but was rebuffed when
Bush explained he was a Methodist. Another cardinal had been sent to Baghdad
to press Saddam Hussein to ease up a bit on prisoner torture in exchange
for beatifying an Iraqi saint.
On Monday, the U.S. Coast Guard observed several dozen Vatican
special forces troops in flowing red capes disembarking near Lady Bird
Johnson Memorial Park. Coast Guardsmen turned them around and directed
toward the White House. The White House security
guards declined their demand to enter, and when the Vatican troops
surrounded the White House, threatening a lengthy siege, the security
guards took their guns away.
In response, the Holy See Press Office explained that this
incursion was only the first of many stages in the crusade and predicted that
"the pope won't relent until President Bush comes to the Vatican and
begs the Holy Father for forgiveness, while standing in the
specially provided footbox of ice."
Satellite News Coverage Reveals Iraq to be a Deeply Pixelated Country
ATLANTACNN polls show that U.S. support for the war
skyrocketed when viewers realized how pixelated Saddam Hussein had
made his country. Unobservable by standard TV cameras, the
widespread pixelation of Iraq was picked up only by the latest high-tech,
mobile satellite cameras of embedded reporters. They revealed an
Iraqi terrain of stuttered, unfocused boxes, jagged lines, and delayed speech.
"We expected to be surprised but
nothing prepared us for this," noted Gregg Rodgers, a CNN
reporter embedded with the Third Infantry. "The cameras with the U.N.
inspectors completely missed the pervasive pixelation. Who knew the depths
to which Saddam would go? I was often moved to tears by pixelated
children with jagged little smiles."
Troops most affected by the pixelation complained that it
interfered with navigation, targeting, and putting on uniforms. "Trying to get a
arm into pixelated sleeve is a nightmare, especially at the
elbows," said Capt. Ray Lodge, Marine 3rd Battalion. "But it greatly
helped tank track grip."
The boxy effect seemed to have been limited to the main thrust
of the campaign and resolved when troops stormed a key
Baghdad communication center and rebooted Iraq to the more standard 1024
x 768 resolution.
New World Trade Center Visionaries Deny Language Confusion
NEW YORKJoseph Whitehead, chairman of the Lower
Manhattan Development Corporation, who recently announced the
winning design for the World Trade Center site will include "a spire that
reaches to heaven," denied today that his offices have been thrown
into linguistic confusion.
"It's just a temporary software problem," he explained through
his Swahili translator. "Our offices, as well as those of the Port
Authorityand the Mayor's office, have chosen to be highly multicultural, and
we're waiting for online translation technology to catch up." He also
denied rumors that busloads of translators had been seen arriving throughout
When asked why he was not giving the press conference in
English, Whitehead switched to his Icelandic translator and explained it was
a personal hobby of his.
In response to questions about the winning design from architect Daniel Libeskind,
Whitehead explained the design "should really make a name for America, lest we
be scattered over over the faceI mean, the 1,776 ft. spire will
be taller than any other tower in the world." Whitehead noted that
the bulk of the tower construction will be a team effort by the
noted construction companies Tarbell and Gitaud. "So for short, we'll
temporarily call the tower the Tar-Git."
Mormon Church Closing Doors in Coffee Capital Seattle
SEATTLEAfter sixty-five years of missionary activity in
Seattle, the Church of the Latter-Day Saints has finally given up. Seattle
Temple President Gordon Conger announced the LDS withdrawal plans
recently handed down by the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.
"It was as if our pearls of great price just couldn't shake the
mocha stain," he said. "For two decades
we tried to work for change within the Seattle coffee hierarchy, even
placing top executives within Starbucks, Seattle's Best Coffee, and Tully's.
We had hoped companies like these could be peacefully urged away from
coffee toward emergency preparedness supplies."
Publicly, Starbucks executive vice
president Lorraine Hunter expressed sadness for the LDS move.
"We continue to strive for diversity. The loss of the LDS market will
certainly cut into our decaf Tazo citrus smoothie sales." Unnamed sources
at Starbucks explained, "It's all about domination. Mormons boast of
great growth numbers worldwide, but Starbucks is actually growing
Temple President Conger conceded that the Bellevue
Temple, dedicated in 1980, has been purchased by Tully's as a storage
facility. "I love Seattle," Conger said,
"but there comes a point where you just have to shake the dust off your
Michael Jackson Foundation Issues Recommendations for Future NASA Shuttles
NEW YORKIn response to the Columbia shuttle
disaster, Michael Jackson's Heal the Kids foundation sent recommendations
to NASA to help it improve safety in space. A foundation
spokesperson noted Michael Jackson was deeply wounded by the Columbia
disaster and called upon his foundation to respond. The foundation is
dedicated to fostering programs that help children gain the love, attention,
and quality time they need to flourish and stop the cycle of neglect.
Michael Jackson's recommendations included the following:
NASA should ensure that its astronauts work in a
Nothing on the shuttle should get hotter than a Barbie oven.
A system of space cables should replace rocket fuel.
While developing proposals, NASA engineers should be
required to hold hands.
Each time the shuttle circles the earth, Houston should
read bedtime stories to the astronauts.
Astronaut training should be open to ostriches and zebras.
Preflight inspections of the 22 reinforced wing panels should be
performed by children's hands.
Guarding against debris travelling at 17,500 mph is just
too horrible to think about.
All curved surfaces of the shuttle make the protective
carbon too brittle; they should be flattened.
Engineers should have the right to be listened to
without having to be interesting or attractive.
Modern Canaanites Call on God to Apologize for Annihilating Precious Artifacts
JERICHOAt the conclusion of the annual Can-Again
conference for descendants of Canaanite peoples, including Libnahites,
Eglonites, Debirites, Hebronites, Makkedites, and Aians, conference
moderator Yaser Awartani denounced God for destroying what would have
been precious Canaanite museum pieces.
"These artifacts didn't even have an opportunity to show up on
the black market. God just shattered to pieces priceless vases, bowls,
and strainers, not to mention torching ancient goat rugs that would
have now hung beautifully in collectors' villas." God's destruction of
figurines of powerful goddesses drew repeated comment from feminist
speakers, though a committee did offer to extend forgiveness to God if
He would offer a place at the Godhead table to Asherah.
A large part of the conference was dedicated to prescribing the
proper restitution that God might make to the Canaanites. "God should have
protected these artifacts," said Eglonite representative Paebel Dagon.
"They were worth billions of dollars. Restitution is certainly in order."
British Archaeological Trust observer Adrian Sheldon
concurred with the results of the conference.
"A country's identity and civilization resides in its history, just like
our identity is grounded in reality TV and Austin Powers. If a country's
artifacts are destroyed, as has the Canaanites', its history ends. What a tragedy."
Sheldon added that Canaanite artifacts didn't belong to God
alone. "They were part of the heritage of the whole world. Wouldn't it have
been wonderful if each person in the world could have a Canaanite artifact in
his or her house?"
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