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Volume 15, Issue 3: Cave of Adullam

Mutterings on the Regnant Follies

Tommy Franks

Bird Poo Dot Com
There is a web site out there (www.monpa.com) that celebrates the art found in bird droppings. For example, there is a clear distinction in genre between, say, the splay and the splat.

If only birds were eligible for government grants. We need to support artistic production.

But Wait, There's More
There is another art web site, this one dedicated to art education in the elementary school classroom. This one is called Maggot Art (maggotart.com), and apparently the maggots are dipped in paint and then scooch around the paper making pretty designs. Lest anyone worry, the maggots are not harmed in the making of this art because only water-based paint is used, and the maggots are cleaned up nicely afterwards.

Which is more than could be said about Jackson Pollock.

Church of England Study Wants Single Women to Put Out More
A report prepared by a study commission for the spiritual edification of the Church of England has included recommendations that the Church should come to accept cohabitation as a "new path from the single state to the married one." The traditional prohibition of all sex before marriage is now felt to be a "heavy load." There are still some difficulties to overcome, such as what they should call this new exploratory arrangement.

Why not just call the woman a concubine?

Why Not?
Concordia Lutheran Church in Fort Wayne put out this flyer, see, and the flyer invited all and sundry to a "Rock `n' Roll Woship [sic] Circus." They continued, "Come one, come all to a new experience of worship."

Unfortunately, they misspelled woship, leaving out the "e." They did not misspell circus.

The Headline Says It All
And that headline in question read, "Giant schnauzer to perform at church." This last March a woman and her certified therapy dog, schnauzer division, led a worship service at a Seventh Day Adventist church here in the Northwest. As the article noted, "The free presentation at the 10 a.m. service will incorporate dog tricks and spiritual lessons."

We had a long talk with Van Deventer about this, and have concluded we don't want to have anything to do with premill schnauzers.

Sorting Things Out
There is this diagnostic book, see, that can help a young lady determine whether she is interested in a man or just a guy. The book has all these questions, and if the wrong answer applies to the gentleman in question, you just add points. Then, at the end, you add up the points to find out if you should tell him to scram or not. Like in golf, a low score is better. Add two points if he reads Penthouse. Add two if he leers at other women. Add two if he spits outside. Add two if he leaves the toilet seat up. And so on. The hoot is that the test is arranged in such a way that a woman could find out that her Penthouse reader is actually a great find.

Math is a harsh mistress.

Youth Ministry Story #1,963
There is web site dedicated to helping out youth ministers, and there is a section on "Teen Lingo," in order that youth workers might be able to stay current with what is going on all around them. By no means do they endorse all they hear, but they do need to stay current. For example and to wit: Hoochie, n. A female who is promiscuous by nature. A female who grants sexual favors easy. "Lets go mack on them hoochies over there!"

I am made all things to all men, that I might by all means save some.

Patriotic Jesus
Right-wing Christians were getting a little tired of leftists and other hand-wringers keeping their own private hammerlock on blasphemy and whatnot. So in the wake of 9-11, and the war in Iraq and all, the faithful finally saw their chance to revile holy things. So if you hunt around enough, you can get a T-shirt that says Jesusaves on it. You may not have noticed, but out of those nine letters, the three middle ones spell USA, set off, on said T-shirt, in red, white and blue. And there is this other image with Jesus wearing the American flag as kind of a prayer shawl.

The more we think about arguments against bringing back the town square stocks, the more we can't remember them.

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