Cretan Times - Volume 15, Issue 4

Back Issues

Howard Dean Declares Himself to be Antichrist

Nathan Wilson

SOMEWHERE, VT—Howard Dean, very liberal candidate for President and Governor of Vermont, shocked the world when he announced that he is in fact the Antichrist.

"I've been reading a lot of the Left Behind series lately and sometime this summer I came to the realization that these books are all about me." Political analysts have expressed surprise. "This doesn't seem to be the sort of thing you'd just want to announce," said Al Gore. "I never would have said this, though I suspected at times."

When asked why her husband would do this, Mrs. Dr. Judith Steinberg Dean said, "He just wants to be honest with people. Why would he lie about something so important?"

But some suspect Dean's reasons are not so pure. Chris Matthews addresses the question in his blog entry for September 9th. "I don't think thereis any question as to why Dean has made this announcement. Despite the fact that he bills himself as a moderate, he is way too far left of center to have a chance in a national election. He knows that he has to attract conservative voters. The only way for him to do this is to convince them that he will facilitate the Rapture and the Second Coming through his wickedness. It rained today, and I'm not sure it won't again tomorrow. My wife's knee is bothering her less."

Whether Matthews is right or not, his announcement is having a bipartisan unifying effect. Says Jerry Falwell, "If this is true, and Mr. Dean will in fact accelerate the deterioration of the western world, I think it is the duty of every Bible-believing Christian to do what they can to get him in office and take out large, long-term loans."

Anti-Semitic Israelis

Douglas Wilson

Writing in National Review, the controversial columnist David Whitefield recently declared that in our post-9-11 climate, all forms of weakness in confronting terror have to be "accurately identified." The hidden assumption beneath "anemic responses" to "terror" have to be "correctly identified" for "what they are." Answering the rhetorical question "Well, what are they then?" Whitefield went on to identify resurgent anti-Semitism as the "chief culprit."

The insidiousness of this "blight," Whitefield argued, means that it can "pop up" in "unexpected places." One of those places was the Labour Party in Israel, a political party, Whitefield said, that wants to negotiate with known enemies of the state of Israel.

At the conclusion of his column, Whitefield seemed to recognize the startling nature of this conclusion, and finished by saying that "he simply wanted to follow the argument" wherever it "might happen to lead."

Contacted yesterday, a spokesman for the Anti-Defamation League appeared to distance himself from Whitefield's comments. "We have no basis at all for thinking this," Moishe Rosen said. Rosen then went on on to add, "Whitefield's a nut. He's a Jewish conspiracy all by himself."

Asked to clarify—Whitefield is a Scottish Methodist—Rosen stood by his comments. "Sure, that's what he says."

Christina Aguilera Files Suit Against MTV Viewers for Failure to Be Shocked

Nathan Wilson

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Christina Aguilera announced that she would be filing a lawsuit against the viewers of MTV's most recent Video Music Awards (VMA). At a press conference held in her home on Wednesday, September 10, she cited "serious emotional trauma" and "wounds that won't heal lightly" created by the response of viewers of her opening performance alongside Madonna and Britney Spears. Through tears Christina explained how difficult it is to be her. "You just don't know," she told reporters.

The performance consisted of Madonna dressed in very tight fitting black representing a groom, and Britney and Christina in white representing brides. Together the three sang a medley of "Like a Virgin" and "Hollywood" and danced around in front of a wedding cake. At one point in the performance Madonna turned to Christina and the two kissed. What was supposed to be a deep artistic statement was completely trumped a little later in the performance when Madonna did the same for Britney.

"Britney got all the reaction. She got all the publicity. Why? Because she pretended to be a virgin for so long? The corruption of something virginal is so much more interesting? Is that it? That's just not fair. Britney's nothing to me right now. Justin ditched her and now he's touring with me. You can't hold me down. I'm beautiful. I'm a fighter. You can't hold me down. You're just making me stonger. Is it because I'm a woman?" She left the room weeping.

`Bama Commandments

Douglas Wilson

BIRMINGHAM, AL—In a surprise move today, the Chief Justice for the Alabama Supreme Court, Justice Roy Moore, ordered copies of the Ten Commandments to be posted in the foyer of all Alabama churches.

TAlready well-known for his losing attempts to keep the Ten Commandments in his courthouse, the controversial justice had garnered a great deal of support from Alabama's Christians in his battle with the ACLU. But in the wake of this controversial order, that support among Christians seems to have evaporated.

"We are under grace, not under law," explained Pastor Jenkins, senior pastor at Antioch Baptist Church. Jenkins went on to add that "Christians are not perfect, just forgiven."

"We supported Judge Moore in his earlier battle with the secularists because we wanted an important symbolic statement in favor of our traditional values. But putting the Ten Commandments up in our churches could send the signal that we actually think people should live this way."

The Rev. Michael Knecht, pastor of Immanuel Lutheran, agreed. "There is fundamental dichotomy between law and grace. The last thing we want to do is let some justice confuse the two."

At an ecumentical rally held outside Moore's courtroom, the spirit of agreement in the churches represented was pronounced. Wilson Harnack, pastor of the First Assembly of God, pointed out the chilling effect that such an order could have. "I have a lot of Christian businessmen in my congregation. Hard dealing, corner cutting, and fleecing the brethren are standard operating procedure among our best tithers. What would happen if they felt that we disapproved of them as persons, beloved of God? The effects on our building program alone would be catastrophic."

The only dissenting voice at the rally was a lone protester across the street. Declining to be identified, he said that one of the pastors at the rally had run off with his wife during counseling. "Ten Commandments, ha!" he said. "I'd be happy if they would just post one of `em. And I know which one it should be, too. Judge Moore—you go, girl!"

Arnold S. Was Offered an Oscar to Withdraw from Race

HOLLYWOOD, CA—The Academy offered Arnold Schwarzenegger an Oscar of his choice in exchange for his withdrawal from the race for California's new governor

"We didn't think he was serious when he first contacted us and threatened to take over the state," said Herb Meier. "But that quickly changed. He wanted a statuette."

Arnie A/5

The David Blaine Diet to Compete with Atkins

Nathsn Wilson

LONDON—The Atkins diet has altered the landscape of society. "The anti-carb, pro-protein diet has sent national baked good revenue down two percent in the last two years successively, and has sent beef jerkey sales to all time highs" reports Forbes magazine's Zach Hulloos. "The health ramificaitons don't matter," says Jane Fonda. "People don't want to die fat."

While experts have referred to national upheaval created by the diet as "The Atkins Economy," they are still unprepared for what will come next.

David Blaine, street magician, best known for levitating in front of strangers and biting coins borrowed from Japanese tourists in half, has announced his new diet plan, and is now in the process of demonstrating it. He has suspended himself in a plexiglass cage from a crane over the River Thames. He plans to spend forty-four days in the box consuming nothing but normal water run to him through a tube. For purposes of his demonstration, he plumped up his normally scrawny frame beforehand.David Blaine, street magician, best known for levitating in front of strangers and biting coins borrowed from Japanese tourists in half, has announced his new diet plan, and is now in the process of demonstrating it. He has suspended himself in a plexiglass cage from a crane over the River Thames. He plans to spend forty-four days in the box consuming nothing but normal water run to him through a tube. For purposes of his demonstration, he plumped up his normally scrawny frame beforehand.

His diet is nearing completion and the results have been astounding. "I've watched the webcam everyday and he always takes his shirt off in the mornings. He looked a little pudgy the first week, but I think attractive, but four weeks later, well, I think he'll be modeling after this," says Janet Spears of Ohio. "He looks great."

Michael O'Hannon of Belfast thinks differently. "This is an insult to family members of IRA hunger strikers everywhere. Though I admit, his weight loss is impressive. The wanker."

David Blaine Inc. has announced plans to create dieting locales all over the globe. "Wherever the view would be most impressive from a crane-hung cage," Blaine himself said on day twenty-eight. "We will be helping people meet and surpass their weight goals. Results are inevitable."

Five hundred cages have already been suspended above the Danube. The waiting list for forty day reservations already runs until 2012. But Blaine promises to set up as many cages as are necessary to meet the demand.