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Volume 15, Issue 5: Presbyterian Fables

Presbyterian Fable Number One
A woman named Faith once gave birth to twins, who were boys as it turned out. The firstborn was named Justification and the second was named Sanctification. As word spread in the village and throughout the region, it became impossible to keep this information from the moderator of the presbytery, who lived in a nearby town. In short order, charges were brought against the woman for having a theologically ambiguous relationship with her second son. After the woman was banished, the theologians and masters met to consider the question.

Presbyterian Fable Number Two
A young ministerial candidate was asked whether his sacramental views comported with those of the Westminster Standards. This line of questioning was a novelty to him, and so he asked for a copy. One was quickly produced, but when it became apparent that he was not going to swear on it, but on the contrary, intended to open and read it, the moderator rebuked him sternly. We have asked if your views are consistent with the Standards, young man, and did not ask you to intrude yourself upon them by considering what they may appear to say. Abashed by his error, the young man apologized and was quickly forgiven.

Presbyterian Fable Number Three
The reverend confectioners in the back of the Westminster Candy Shop one day decided to change the recipes because customers were no longer buying the Sawdust Swirl. But rather than continuing with their experiments, they took a vote and decided to return to the original recipes that had been in use when the shop first opened three and a half centuries before. Unfortunately, the managers of the shop viewed these events with deep suspicion and declared the Reformation Fudge Supreme to be both fattening and heretical.

Presbyterian Fable Number Four
A minister of tender years was once receiving theological bastinado from concerned brethren at Wu Tang Presbytery. He had been working three jobs in order to keep his family fed, and so his time for sermon preparation had fallen woefully short. This was not the direct cause of his problem, for had he received help for his sermons from he would have been in august company and would have received praise from all and sundry. But his troubles came from the fact that in his naiveté he had cribbed his sermons from those of John Calvin, and since he had failed to mention Calvin’s name, he almost immediately found himself brought up on charges of popery. He was then remanded to the jailers until he should pay the last penny.

Presbyterian Fable Number Five
A Presbyterian minister in the pulpit was laboring mightily in the fifteenth chapter of John, trying hard not to look like a Congressman who had unexpectedly been given a copy of the Constitution. He was unsuccessful in this endeavor, and the congregation left the sanctuary greatly edified and blessed.

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