Volume 16, Issue 2: Cave of Adullam
Mutterings on the Regnant Follies
A California legislator wants to put feng shui into the building code. Feng shui, for those who haven't been keeping up with the
latest developments in RPCUS theology, is an ancient Chinese practice that creates a positive energy environment in how living
spaces are designed. Anyhow, back to our legislator, he has introduced this resolution that would encourage his fellow solons to put
those principles into the building code.
Why not apply feng shui to the building code itself? Then, when someone in California applied for a permit, they would simply be told, "Go, my son,
and build with the chi. Cut with the grain."
Someone had this great idea, see? And what they were going to do is make a rock opera, see? And it would be like the life of
Jesus, only in New York City, see? And Jesus would be Hero, only he would also be Michael Tait of dc Talk, and Rebecca St. James
would be Mary Magdalene, and Mark Stuart of Audio Adrenaline would be Petrov. This concept has absolutely not been done
before because the chain link fence in
Godspell is absolutely different than the street sign here. Trying to get himself "around" the role,
Mr. Tait has increased his Bible time and is learning more about Christ's "intense compassion, unconditional love, and
But apparently less about evangelical cliches.
Allow Us to Quote
Some Christian parents and students in California brought a high-profile lawsuit against a government school, in which the
students were being required to pretend they were Muslims, wear Islamic garb, memorize from the Koran, pray to Allah, and play
various jihad games. That suit was dismissed by a federal judge, who then chased the plaintiffs down the steps of the courthouse.
Actually, we made that last clause up.
What's the deal with this? Everybody knows that Christians put their children in the government schools in order to serve the secular gods of
American civil religion. There was nothing in the deal about Allah. Switching idols at the last minute is a gross travesty of what American Christians were
expecting. When we are compromised, we insist on staying compromised in that very same way. To not allow Christians to stick with the idol they are accustomed to is
a clear violation of our civil rights, and an unconscionable attack upon what is left of our integrity. Here we squat. We can do no other.
American University Scholarship
A professor at American University, really, a gent named Michael Salla, has written a book that maintains that Dwight
Eisenhower had a secret meeting with two extraterrestials while on vacation in Palm Springs.
This explains everything. Absolutely everything.
After many many decades of trying to "out" the antichrist, dispensational scholars need to consider changing their tactics.
With failed antichrist candidates now including assorted popes, Kaiser Wilhelm, Napoleon, Mussolini, Anwar Sadat, Hitler,
Stalin, Prince Charles, Bill Clinton, Ronald Wilson Reagan (count the letters in each
name, fer pete's sake!), Juan Carlos, Gorbachev,
and now, the spider-hole man, Saddam Hussein, what's a hopelessly flawed theology to
do? If each failed nominee represented a
million books less, the Left Behind series is still a bestselling sensation. So we suggest that dispensationalism abandon theology
completely, and become a literary movement in English departments across America.
On the down side, this also involves learning how to write.
The Big Time
Finally, we here in Moscow have arrived. We are, at long last, able to submit our own Cave of Adullam entry that is
local in its point of origin. And it even involves us. This year, at our ninth annual
Credenda history conference, we had protesters outside, a big
display of cut-out tolerance hands, a "big" march against us, lots of press coverage (some of it accurate) and some incendiary
(albeit incoherent) letters to the editor. In short, all the local Intoleristas were breathing into paper bags and patting one another on
the backs of their hands.
Of course, we knew what kind of protest it would be as soon as we saw their cash register.
Heirs of the New England Puritans
In a recent move that appears to us to be morally problematic, a Harvard committee has approved the publication of a
student magazine that will include pornographic pictures of undergrads, along with sexually-oriented articles.
But here is the morally problematic part. For three hundred and fifty years, these dour people, clothed or unclothed, have been so damn serious.
Would somebody out there tell a joke or something?