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Volume 16, Issue 2: Cave of Adullam

Mutterings on the Regnant Follies

N. Bedford Forrest

The Old Adorning the Eyeball Ploy
Eye surgeons in the Netherlands have developed a new deal for those enrolled in the graduate school of Nothing Better to Do. Their bright idea consists of implanting little jewelry thingies in the conjuctiva of the eyeball. So far the designs include a glittery half-moon or heart.

So that perfect strangers can think that your first grader started a glitter/confetti fight at the birthday party you tried to throw for the little ingrate, getting it all in your eye and stuff.

Umm . . .
Someone sent on to us a fundraising letter from, er, a somewhat specialized charitable organization. This organization is dedicated to the noble goal of preventing the National Park Service from torturing donkeys in the Mojave Desert. And we quote, "Please—the innocent donkeys of the West are being tortured. We can save them together. Please rush your DEMAND FOR SAFE HAVEN FOR BURROS back today—along with the most caring gift you can spare to save their lives!"

Underlining and caps are all from the original. The problem is that this is from California (surprise!), and their governor is pro-choice. Nothing we can do.

Robespierre in the Tumbril
We also got sent a story in the Dallas Morning News discussing how some young pastors of today are trying to come up with an alternative form of worship. You know, an alternative to that old, clammy, outdated, stodgy form of worship as typified by churches like . . . Willow Creek. And the article then represented the Rev. Preston Mitchell to the following effect, "many young pastors consider Willow Creek `old school' and are looking for something more cutting edge and updated. Still, he said, that doesn't take anything away from Willow Creek. `They're the greatest,' he said. `This is just another approach.'"

But to be perfectly fair about it, this didn't happen until after Bill Hybels started wearing the mitre.

Allow Us to Quote
The American Spectator reported on the doings of a certain imam in Spain, an imam who goes by the moniker of Mohamed Kamal Mustafa. The good rev. was sentenced to 15 months in the hoosegow for "encouraging violence against women." Apparently, his progressive 120-page tome entitled Women in Islam was teaching his attentive (very male) readers to avoid striking their wives on their more sensitive parts. Rather, he argued, beatings should use a light rod in order not to leave scars or bruises, and that said beatings should be administered only "on hands and feet." If, against all precautions, bruises or scars inexplicably appear anyways, the faithful disciplinarian should buy the little lady some shoes and mittens.

What these Muslim women really need is a New Testament, some hockey gloves, a helmet, and a Louisville slugger.

Pet Services
Another trend that is all the rage is the proliferation of divine worship services for pets. For example, All Saints Episcopal in Ft. Lauderdale has doubled attendance in its Sunday evening service by inviting all pets to come once a month.

But on the down side, the pets have begun demanding more theologically demanding sermons.

Whodda Thunk?
An American historian named Robert Davis has done some figgering with his calculator. Turns out that, between 1530 and 1780, more than a million Europeans were captured by corsairs, enslaved, and taken off to North Africa, where their Muslim masters offered employment opportunities.

We do not think it too early to begin discussions about reparations.

Things We Never Knew We Needed
A catalog put out by CTA (Christian Tools of Affirmation) has a little measuring tape key chain thingie, with a tape that extends and everything, and all for a mere $1.25. On one side the tape measure says, "God Measures the Heart." On the other it says, "The Lord Looks at the Heart. 1 Samuel 16:7 NKJV © 2003 CTA" The tapes goes out to thirty-nine inches, and for those interested in measuring the hearts of our European brethren, it features metric measurements as well.

Of course, if the point was to measure the average modern evangelical heart, we have no idea why they wasted so much tape.

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