Back Issues
Volume 16, Issue 3: Cretan Times
Zimbabwe and Sri Lanka to Monitor U.S. Presidential Election
WASHINGTON, D.C.—On Monday, a delegation of
election officials from Zimbabwe and Sri Lanka set up a tent compound
outside the Federal Election Commission as a preliminary step to monitoring
this year's presidential election.
"We are deeply concerned that U.S. citizens have a free and
fair election this year," explained Dr. Fernando Kariyawasam, head of
the Sri Lankan delegates. "We have a mission to do here." In order to
check for questionable voting practices and possible disenfranchisement
on election day, the joint delegation is laying the groundwork for
several thousand incoming election observers who will be stationed at polling
places all around the U.S. The delegation plans to have two
international observers for every voting precinct.
FEC chairman Bradley Smith locked the doors of the
election commission building, commenting, "They are way ahead of schedule,
and their tents are crowding the sidewalk." Commissioner Michael
Toner taped a note to the door explaining the FEC was unable to meet
with foreign imperialists at this time and to please try again in September.
Vice President Cheney blasted the delegation as
"narrow-minded, over-the-ocean people," adding
that the U.S. longs to be supervised by "foreigners of our region,
like Newfoundland and Iceland."
Dick Cheney Dropped: Bush to Run with Cardboard Cutout of Reagan
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move sending shockwaves through
Republican circles, President Bush announced Monday his running mate for
the election would be a high-quality cardboard photograph of the
late President Reagan. Rumors of the plan had been circling the internet
for several weeks.
Democrats were dismayed. DNC chairman Terry McAuliffe
denounced the move as unfair. "Why kick us when we're down? No one can beat
a picture of Reagan." Democrats are planning to challenge the plan
in federal court, but legal experts say the precedent for a stiff but foldable
vice president is strong. "Nothing in the constitution says the
vicepresident can't be made of compressed or corrugated fiber," said
constitutional scholar Gerald Horn.
President Bush noted that a cardboard cutout would need no
food or heart surgeries and would require "much less salary overall."
Recent polls have shown that high bipartisan numbers of people
unconsciously smile and tilt their heads toward any photograph of
Reagan. Vice President Cheney is said to endorse the move, as long as he
gets an opportunity to stare at the cutout from time to time.
Democrats were quick to ponder the possibility of running a cutout
of Reagan but in a different suit.
Kerry Sheds Big-City Liberal Image—
Embraces Double Negatives
WEATHERFORD, Kan.—John Kerry explained to a Kansas
crowd Saturday that his millionaire New England heritage and billionaire
wife do not keep him from understanding simple country life. As proof of
his rural heart, he promised to speak more often than not with
double-negative constructions and to push for them in the party platform.
"You do not say we lack farms in Massachusetts," Kerry said.
"We have them. In fact, I did not unlearn my first cuss word from a guy on
a tractor." He explained that as a child he often went on field trips to
farmsand gained a great sense of accomplishment watching workers "get
all dusty and dirty, tired but not feeling ungreat."
Kerry defended his support of the 1990s Northeast Dairy Compact,
a regional pricing program that propped up prices for
Northeastern dairy farmers over objections of
their Midwestern counterparts. "I do not know that Republicans are not
going to try very unhard to say, `Oh, John Kerry voted for that dairy
compact when he represented Massachusetts,'" Kerry said. "I confess. I
didn't nonvote for it." But as president he
said he would be representing the entire country.
On the second day of a three-day bus campaign through rural
Kansas and Oklahoma, Kerry toured wheat farms and promoted his
agriculture policies. He wore faded blue jeans and hiking boots, as he sought
to carve into President Bush's support among rural voters. One
farmer commented, "He's good people, but he don't make no sense. He's got
to rid hisself of all those sissified `un' and `non' to win peoples hereabouts."
Supreme Court Sick and Tired of Having to Make Decisions
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The U.S. Supreme Court ended its
2003-04 term dramatically last week with historic rulings on terror
suspects, Internet pornography, and police interrogations, but then gave up.
The court refused to hear a challenge to secret meetings of the Cheney
energy task force or the constitutionality of "under God" in the pledge
of allegiance.
Instead, the court declared through written comments, "figure
it out yourselves. We're grown-ups and have lives to lead. We can't
be answering every question that comes our way." Court observers were
quick to point out that this is the job of a Supreme Court. Speaker of the
House Dennis Haster urged the court to finish its work in a timely fashion
and stop whining.
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg exited a closed-door meeting of
the court and explained, "You people just don't get it. You don't understand
the burden of having to give judgments all the time. You always have to
know what you're talking about. We're just sick of it. Give, give, give,
gimme, gimme, gimme. The court is unanimous on this decision. Now leave
us alone."
The President attempted to intervene personally later in the
day but was rebuffed. A court clerk who wished to remain anonymous
reported hearing Chief Justice Rehnquist threaten to make someone
else president if President Bush did not leave the chamber immediately.
The President later explained to reporters, "Rehnquist always gets like that
when he wears bicycle pants."
Marlon Brando's Last Wish: Casino Burial
LOS ANGELES—Following the death of screen legend
Marlon Brando at the age of 80, family members have kept funeral
details private except for announcing the actor's last wish. "He asked to
be buried beneath a casino," attorney David Seely said Wednesday.
In 1973 Brando famously refused to accept the best actor Oscar
for "The Godfather." Instead, he sent a native American, Sacheen
Little-feather, to read a protest about the mistreatment of Native Americans.
Seeley explained, "He requested a burial beneath the
new Cuyapaipe Casino" located on the Little Cuyapaipe
Reservation outside San Ynez, California. "Marlon loved native
American culture, especially gambling as an expression of our oneness with
the pale bear of the moon."
Brando once declared, "if I have to hit my head against a
brick wall to remain true to myself, I will do it." The cause of his death
is being withheld.
Spiderman Kicks Butt at Olympic Prelims
ST. PETERS, Mo.,—Spiderman advanced into the finals in nine
events in the 2004 Olympic Team Trials at the St. Peters Trackplex.
"This is just humiliating," said 100-meter record holder
Tim Montgomery. "I feel so fat and groggy running next to Spiderman.
I just can't come close to his kick."
Spiderman will enter the prelim finals in the 100m, 1500m,
and marathon, as well as boxing, wrestling, gymnastics, pole vault, long jump,
and triathlon.
"I am just so lame at swimming and archery," said Spiderman.
"Not to mention team sports. Though I was interested in team handball for
a while."
The International Olympic Committee strictly
prohibited Spiderman from using any webbing excretions in any event, though he
may use it afterwards in dorms and bars.
The IOC has received countless complaints against its June decision
to allow the U.S. to include Spiderman on various teams. "We tested
him vigorously for any banned substances, and nothing showed up. He's a
clean, clean boy, and he is very helpful with security."
U.S. wrestling coach Kevin Jackson said, "It's great to be
going into the games with our opponents completely demoralized. It gives
the whole team added bounce. We're going to rip this place up. And I
hear Spiderman's good for security."
Not all U.S. competitors are grateful for Spiderman's
presence. "He's all, you know, married
now," said Tess Decker. Several U.S. athletes expressed concern
about Spiderman's penchant for abandoning the team when crime duty
calls. "What if he just flings away during a tight race?"
Bush Declares Michael Moore Federal Disaster Area
WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Bush declared 28 counties
in southeast Michael Moore a federal disaster area. The
announcement came after weeks of severe backpatting.
The president insisted the decision "was in no way
personal." Five National Guard units now surround Moore on constant
watch. The president explained, "Moore is now eligible for grants and
low-cost loans to help him recover /cont. B7