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Volume 16, Issue 3: Cretan Times

Zimbabwe and Sri Lanka to Monitor U.S. Presidential Election

WASHINGTON, D.C.—On Monday, a delegation of election officials from Zimbabwe and Sri Lanka set up a tent compound outside the Federal Election Commission as a preliminary step to monitoring this year's presidential election.

"We are deeply concerned that U.S. citizens have a free and fair election this year," explained Dr. Fernando Kariyawasam, head of the Sri Lankan delegates. "We have a mission to do here." In order to check for questionable voting practices and possible disenfranchisement on election day, the joint delegation is laying the groundwork for several thousand incoming election observers who will be stationed at polling places all around the U.S. The delegation plans to have two international observers for every voting precinct.
FEC chairman Bradley Smith locked the doors of the election commission building, commenting, "They are way ahead of schedule, and their tents are crowding the sidewalk." Commissioner Michael Toner taped a note to the door explaining the FEC was unable to meet with foreign imperialists at this time and to please try again in September.
Vice President Cheney blasted the delegation as "narrow-minded, over-the-ocean people," adding that the U.S. longs to be supervised by "foreigners of our region, like Newfoundland and Iceland."


 

Dick Cheney Dropped: Bush to Run with Cardboard Cutout of Reagan

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move sending shockwaves through Republican circles, President Bush announced Monday his running mate for the election would be a high-quality cardboard photograph of the late President Reagan. Rumors of the plan had been circling the internet for several weeks.

Democrats were dismayed. DNC chairman Terry McAuliffe denounced the move as unfair. "Why kick us when we're down? No one can beat a picture of Reagan." Democrats are planning to challenge the plan in federal court, but legal experts say the precedent for a stiff but foldable vice president is strong. "Nothing in the constitution says the vicepresident can't be made of compressed or corrugated fiber," said constitutional scholar Gerald Horn.
President Bush noted that a cardboard cutout would need no food or heart surgeries and would require "much less salary overall."
Recent polls have shown that high bipartisan numbers of people unconsciously smile and tilt their heads toward any photograph of Reagan. Vice President Cheney is said to endorse the move, as long as he gets an opportunity to stare at the cutout from time to time.
Democrats were quick to ponder the possibility of running a cutout of Reagan but in a different suit.


 

Kerry Sheds Big-City Liberal Image—
Embraces Double Negatives

WEATHERFORD, Kan.—John Kerry explained to a Kansas crowd Saturday that his millionaire New England heritage and billionaire wife do not keep him from understanding simple country life. As proof of his rural heart, he promised to speak more often than not with double-negative constructions and to push for them in the party platform.

"You do not say we lack farms in Massachusetts," Kerry said. "We have them. In fact, I did not unlearn my first cuss word from a guy on a tractor." He explained that as a child he often went on field trips to farmsand gained a great sense of accomplishment watching workers "get all dusty and dirty, tired but not feeling ungreat."
Kerry defended his support of the 1990s Northeast Dairy Compact, a regional pricing program that propped up prices for Northeastern dairy farmers over objections of their Midwestern counterparts. "I do not know that Republicans are not going to try very unhard to say, `Oh, John Kerry voted for that dairy compact when he represented Massachusetts,'" Kerry said. "I confess. I didn't nonvote for it." But as president he said he would be representing the entire country.
On the second day of a three-day bus campaign through rural Kansas and Oklahoma, Kerry toured wheat farms and promoted his agriculture policies. He wore faded blue jeans and hiking boots, as he sought to carve into President Bush's support among rural voters. One farmer commented, "He's good people, but he don't make no sense. He's got to rid hisself of all those sissified `un' and `non' to win peoples hereabouts."


 

Supreme Court Sick and Tired of Having to Make Decisions

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The U.S. Supreme Court ended its 2003-04 term dramatically last week with historic rulings on terror suspects, Internet pornography, and police interrogations, but then gave up. The court refused to hear a challenge to secret meetings of the Cheney energy task force or the constitutionality of "under God" in the pledge of allegiance.

Instead, the court declared through written comments, "figure it out yourselves. We're grown-ups and have lives to lead. We can't be answering every question that comes our way." Court observers were quick to point out that this is the job of a Supreme Court. Speaker of the House Dennis Haster urged the court to finish its work in a timely fashion and stop whining.
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg exited a closed-door meeting of the court and explained, "You people just don't get it. You don't understand the burden of having to give judgments all the time. You always have to know what you're talking about. We're just sick of it. Give, give, give, gimme, gimme, gimme. The court is unanimous on this decision. Now leave us alone."
The President attempted to intervene personally later in the day but was rebuffed. A court clerk who wished to remain anonymous reported hearing Chief Justice Rehnquist threaten to make someone else president if President Bush did not leave the chamber immediately. The President later explained to reporters, "Rehnquist always gets like that when he wears bicycle pants."


 

Marlon Brando's Last Wish: Casino Burial

LOS ANGELES—Following the death of screen legend Marlon Brando at the age of 80, family members have kept funeral details private except for announcing the actor's last wish. "He asked to be buried beneath a casino," attorney David Seely said Wednesday. In 1973 Brando famously refused to accept the best actor Oscar for "The Godfather." Instead, he sent a native American, Sacheen Little-feather, to read a protest about the mistreatment of Native Americans.

Seeley explained, "He requested a burial beneath the new Cuyapaipe Casino" located on the Little Cuyapaipe Reservation outside San Ynez, California. "Marlon loved native American culture, especially gambling as an expression of our oneness with the pale bear of the moon."
Brando once declared, "if I have to hit my head against a brick wall to remain true to myself, I will do it." The cause of his death is being withheld.


 

Spiderman Kicks Butt at Olympic Prelims

ST. PETERS, Mo.,—Spiderman advanced into the finals in nine events in the 2004 Olympic Team Trials at the St. Peters Trackplex.

"This is just humiliating," said 100-meter record holder Tim Montgomery. "I feel so fat and groggy running next to Spiderman. I just can't come close to his kick."
Spiderman will enter the prelim finals in the 100m, 1500m, and marathon, as well as boxing, wrestling, gymnastics, pole vault, long jump, and triathlon.
"I am just so lame at swimming and archery," said Spiderman. "Not to mention team sports. Though I was interested in team handball for a while."
The International Olympic Committee strictly prohibited Spiderman from using any webbing excretions in any event, though he may use it afterwards in dorms and bars.
The IOC has received countless complaints against its June decision to allow the U.S. to include Spiderman on various teams. "We tested him vigorously for any banned substances, and nothing showed up. He's a clean, clean boy, and he is very helpful with security."
U.S. wrestling coach Kevin Jackson said, "It's great to be going into the games with our opponents completely demoralized. It gives the whole team added bounce. We're going to rip this place up. And I hear Spiderman's good for security."
Not all U.S. competitors are grateful for Spiderman's presence. "He's all, you know, married now," said Tess Decker. Several U.S. athletes expressed concern about Spiderman's penchant for abandoning the team when crime duty calls. "What if he just flings away during a tight race?"


 

Bush Declares Michael Moore Federal Disaster Area

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Bush declared 28 counties in southeast Michael Moore a federal disaster area. The announcement came after weeks of severe backpatting.

The president insisted the decision "was in no way personal." Five National Guard units now surround Moore on constant watch. The president explained, "Moore is now eligible for grants and low-cost loans to help him recover /cont. B7

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