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Volume 16, Issue 4: Cave of Adullam

Mutterings on the Regnant Follies

Flipper

Adam Discovered
Scientists (all rise!) in the United Kingdom have found a 425 million-year-old fossil (give or take a few months), and it is the oldest, indisputably male fossil to have ever been found. The teeny little crustacean is, in its entirety, only .2 inches long.

What was the giveway? Contrary to what many might assume, the first clue was the small La-Z-Boy, and the remote on its chest.

Coming Soon, The Gay Study Bible
With the personal backing of the Archbishop of Canterbury, the Druid one, a gent named Rowan Williams, who is also a published poet, which is good, but by Eerdmans, which is bad, but I appear to have lost the thread, oh, yes, a radical new translation of the New Testament is coming out. The notorious and hard-to-deal-with prohibitions of homosex found in St. Paul have simply been, um, deleted, and yet the Corinthians are still told to get a little action lest they get "frustrated."

Imagine! A new translation of the New Testament! Whatever will they think of next? Will it be relevant to the concerns of today?

Three Times Removed
A newspaper article cites a liberal church newsletter that describes all kinds of "peace and justice" issues in the mainstream churches—and we quote: "how the annual CROP Walk raised $30,000; a pastor in Rosalia, Wash., who played harmonica to enrich liturgy; lay people involved in pastoral care; a Spokane gathering that intertwined Native American traditions with Catholicism."

Intertwined. That sounds better than pimping the faith of our fathers. And when it comes to the harmonica issue, we can readily believe that the intent was to enrich liturgy. But according to our editors, it remains an open question as to whether the liturgy was actually in fact enriched.

Most of the Cows are out of the Barna
The Barna Research Group has recently released new polling data that shows that 6% of all American teens believe that there are in fact moral absolutes. But, on a slightly cheerier note, a whopping 9% of American teens who describe themselves as born again (as in, evangelicals) believe that there are moral absolutes. Doing the math, we figure that about 91% of evangelical youth don't believe in moral absolutes.

But it is actually worse than that. We actually don't believe in the moral absolutes of modern polling techniques. Just call us antinomian now, and be done with it.

Gold From the Egyptians
The worship leader for Thomas Road Baptist Church and Liberty University has picked up some tips in the oddest places. The Wayne Newton Theater at the Stardust hotel in Las Vegas, for instance. Said worship leader has been there studying at the feet of Newton the Master Showman, along with other places, learning how to work a crowd.

You can't really make this stuff up. Had we made it up, we would have been accused, and perhaps rightly, of being a tad bit unfair. But nope. All of it true.

Not Much Light Under That Bushel
A Presbyterian church in the Charlotte area decided to start renting its facilities to a Muslim school. The pastor explained that it was all good, and that Allah is basically (more or less) the God of Judaism and the God and Father of Christianity. But then the Muslims (who know what they think) asked the church to cover up or remove the Christian symbols—and the church acquiesced. A small group of congregants in the already small church were really upset, and might leave.

Oh, come on. We all believe in Tashlan.

The Big Time
After eight years of marriage, a childless couple in Germany went to this fertility clinic. After a series of tests and whatnot, it was determined that they were both fertile and should be having no trouble conceiving. Then they were asked how often they had sexual relations, and the result was a blank stare from both. "What do you mean?"

We would believe this about some homeschoolers, but Europeans? Even if they are German.

Church Prayer Rug
We received this "church prayer rug," only it was made out of paper, and it was a smallish rug, oh, say, 17"x11." A violation of the second commandment was front and center, and across the bottom of the, um, rug, was this: "Look into Jesus' Eyes you will see they are closed. But as you continue to look you will see His eyes opening and looking back into your eyes. Then go and be alone and kneel on this Rug of Faith or touch it to both knees. Then please check your needs on our letter to you. Please return this Prayer Rug. Do not keep it.

At last! The lost Crusader Rug of Faith! Return it? Not on your life.

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