Back Issues
Volume 17, Issue 1: Cretan Times
Nebraska Admits Having Nuclear Weapons
OMAHA—President Bush announced Friday that Pentagon sources have
confirmed that the state of Nebraska houses weapons of mass destruction. "I
feel betrayed," said the President. "I
recently called for the fire of freedom to reach the dark corners of the world,
and now it starts in the dark flats of Nebraska."
Nebraska governor Dave Heineman admitted for the first
time that his state has nuclear weapons. In a public statement Tuesday,
Heineman said, "I've never been asked before
but yes. Offutt AFB, south of Omaha, houses the headquarters of the US
Strategic Command which replaced SAC in 1992, and it oversees 255 active
Minuteman II missiles." The president said he
had heard that sort of rhetoric from North Korea as well.
After recent talks stalled, administration officials began to discuss
the possibility of referring the issue to the U.N. Security Council. Han Sung
Ryol,a senior North Korean diplomat at the United Nations, urged the
administration to have direct dialogue with Nebraska.
Gov. Heineman said he felt "compelled to suspend participation in
the multi-nation nuclear talks for an indefinite period, at least until after the
wheat harvest." The White House urged resumption of the talks designed to
eliminate Nebraska's nuclear armaments.
"Why us?" Gov. Heineman said. "The administration is attempting
to isolate and stifle the state of Nebraska. Other states have nuclear weapons,
too. Why doesn't he pick on Colorado, Montana, North Dakota, or
Wyoming?"
On Wednesday, a White House spokesman said this admission was
a huge intelligence advance and that the president would be calling those
governors, too.
FoxNews Responsible for Global Warming
NEW YORK—New studies looking at warming oceans and melting
Arctic ice find FoxNews broadcasts emit really hot television signals, Tim Moore of
the Scripts Institution of Oceanography said.
Speaking at an annual meeting of the American Association for
the Advancement of Science, Moore said, "I'm surprised people's eyes
haven't melted inside their heads while watching FoxNews. Other
network news programs emit waves that bring life and health and nutrition to
the world's ecosystems." Moore said the pattern of evidence also suggests
that FoxNews also contributes significantly to poverty, tsunamis, mad cow
disease, low test scores, and the expansion of mean people.
The report was published one day after the United Nations
Kyoto Protocol took effect. "Could a climate system simply do this on its own?
The answer is clearly no," Moore said. "Ocean temperatures
consistently dropped when FoxNews wasn't on
air." Moore's team found no such consistent connections when Fox shows
American Idol or The OC broadcast. "Phew.
Those are my favorite shows," Moore said.
Ruth Kerrie of the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution found
that "ice is in decline every time FoxNew broadcasts," she said. The last time
that happened, she said, "Europe suffered extremely cold winters,
widespread disease, and existentialism."
House Raises Fines on Cheap TV Tension
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The House on Wednesday
overwhelmingly approved a dramatic increase in fines
for cheap plot programming. "No more cop shows. No more hospital
or courtroom shows either. Those extreme contexts produce automatic
drama, cheap tension," said Rep. Joe Bustom, R-Texas, chairman of the Energy
and Commerce Committee that sent the bill to the full House.
Supporters said stiffer penalties are needed to give
deep-pocketed broadcasters more incentive to be
more creative in generating story problems and to help assure parents that their
children won't be exposed to stories that don't recognize the tension and drama
of ordinary life.
The measure, which passed 389-38, boosts the maximum fine from
$32,500to $500,000 for a company and from $11,000 to $500,000 for an individual entertainer who acts the part of a
police officer, lawyer, or doctor.
Opponents of the bill said it will stifle TV homogeneity and disrupt the freedom to be tedious during prime time TV. "Instead of bills like this, I think
we should exercise our rights to view easy plots by using that miracle of
modern technology, the remote control," said Rep. Jerrold Nidder, R-N.Y.
The White House, in a statement, said it strongly supports the
legislation that "will make broadcast television
and radio more suitable for richer family literary and dramatic analysis."
Microsoft Finally Recalls Apple Computers
REDMOND,WA—Microsoft Corporation said Thursday that it was
recalling 204.1 million Apple computers because they can be a choking
hazard. "We've seen too many infants have accidents with Apple computers," said
a Microsoft spokesperson. "They're a fire hazard, too," she added. "Those
things light up like cotton balls."
Microsoft urged consumers to bring their Apple computers to any city
recycling department in the country, and Microsoft officials would be on hand
to accept the recall. Microsoft promised to supply consumers with
replacement computers until the problems with various Apple lines could be fixed.
Microsoft plans to repair the faulty Apples and return them to their owners in
early 2009.
Bill Gates apologized for ever allowing these lines of computers to
see the light of day. "We live and learn,"
he said. "We won't make the Apple mistake again. By the way, our
new downloadable music system is nearly
complete. Children can choke on the iPods, too. Bring those babies back."
An executive at Apple Computer headquarters, Cupertino, CA,
speaking on condition of anonymity, admitted knowing about difficulties but
not the magnitude of the problem. Apple CEO Steve Jobs refused to
comment except to note, "This is an outrage,
but it's the law, and we don't want any child to catch on fire."
NASA Researchers Claim Evidence of Starbucks on Saturn Moon
Houston—NASA scientists told a group of space officials at a
press conference Sunday that they have discovered Starbucks
marketing materials on the Saturn moon Titan.
The scientists, Jack Stoker and Lenore Lemke of NASA's
Ames Research Center in Silicon Valley, said that evidence drawn from the
European Space Agency's Huygens probe showed evidence of at least fourteen
unstaffed Starbucks coffee shops.
Stoker said that images of Starbucks corrugated hand protectors
stacked neatly on Titan soil might not be direct proof, "but it is certainly worth
more study." Stoker and other researchers have long theorized about subsurface biological organisms, "but we never expected to find traces of biscotti
and those chocolate covered graham crackers." ESA officials
admitted suppressing some anger over the issue. One ESA official noted, "We would
have gladly chosen another moon, if we had known."
Starbucks spokesperson Audrey Lincoln said that the company does
not reveal the details of its international or intergalactic marketing plans, though
it continues to expand its retail operations rapidly and hopes "to leverage
the Starbucks brand wherever sentient beings may or may not appreciate good coffee."
FDA Whistleblower Warns of Knives
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Use of metal knives poses risk to millions
of people who eat steak and butter bread, a Food and Drug
Administration whistleblower told a panel reviewing
the safety of the devices on Thursday.
Boxes of steaks knives were pulled off the market Sept. 30
by manufacturers, after a long-term study revealed risks of cuts and gashes.
The typical user of knives is someone between 15 and 80,
with some health problems, Dr. Grane said. That person has a one-in-ten risk of
a range of wounds, he said.
Grane previously complained he was being muzzled by his
agency because "they said, everyone thinks knives are quite handy."
Rep. Linda Knowles (R-CA), outspoken opponent of Dr.
Grane, objected that "if knives are banned, then we'll have an epidemic of
spoon sharpening like in Nazi Germany."
Dentists Protest Hockey Season Cancellation
CHICAGO—The American Dental Association lodged a formal
complaint against the National Hockey League for breach of their Alliance for
Teeth agreement
"Dentists have a right to teeth,"
said ADA president Dr. Richard Heft. "Winter slows tooth decay. With
the cancellation of the NHL hockey season, numerous metropolitan dental
offices will close, not to mention that themultiple dozens of hockey fans are trying to find the right words to express
their anger."
NHL commissioner Gary Bettman said that "before all these dentists
move back to Canada, they should know we plan to double next year's
season." Bettman noted that current players
have yet to notice the cancellation. "They
still believe it's just a long timeout."
Dentists / e-4