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Volume 17, Issue 1: Cretan Times

Nebraska Admits Having Nuclear Weapons

OMAHA—President Bush announced Friday that Pentagon sources have confirmed that the state of Nebraska houses weapons of mass destruction. "I feel betrayed," said the President. "I recently called for the fire of freedom to reach the dark corners of the world, and now it starts in the dark flats of Nebraska."

Nebraska governor Dave Heineman admitted for the first time that his state has nuclear weapons. In a public statement Tuesday, Heineman said, "I've never been asked before but yes. Offutt AFB, south of Omaha, houses the headquarters of the US Strategic Command which replaced SAC in 1992, and it oversees 255 active Minuteman II missiles." The president said he had heard that sort of rhetoric from North Korea as well.
After recent talks stalled, administration officials began to discuss the possibility of referring the issue to the U.N. Security Council. Han Sung Ryol,

a senior North Korean diplomat at the United Nations, urged the administration to have direct dialogue with Nebraska.

Gov. Heineman said he felt "compelled to suspend participation in the multi-nation nuclear talks for an indefinite period, at least until after the wheat harvest." The White House urged resumption of the talks designed to eliminate Nebraska's nuclear armaments.
"Why us?" Gov. Heineman said. "The administration is attempting to isolate and stifle the state of Nebraska. Other states have nuclear weapons, too. Why doesn't he pick on Colorado, Montana, North Dakota, or Wyoming?"
On Wednesday, a White House spokesman said this admission was a huge intelligence advance and that the president would be calling those governors, too.


 

FoxNews Responsible for Global Warming

NEW YORK—New studies looking at warming oceans and melting Arctic ice find FoxNews broadcasts emit really hot television signals, Tim Moore of the Scripts Institution of Oceanography said.

Speaking at an annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science, Moore said, "I'm surprised people's eyes haven't melted inside their heads while watching FoxNews. Other network news programs emit waves that bring life and health and nutrition to the world's ecosystems." Moore said the pattern of evidence also suggests that FoxNews also contributes significantly to poverty, tsunamis, mad cow disease, low test scores, and the expansion of mean people.
The report was published one day after the United Nations Kyoto Protocol took effect. "Could a climate system simply do this on its own? The answer is clearly no," Moore said. "Ocean temperatures consistently dropped when FoxNews wasn't on air." Moore's team found no such consistent connections when Fox shows American Idol or The OC broadcast. "Phew. Those are my favorite shows," Moore said.
Ruth Kerrie of the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution found that "ice is in decline every time FoxNew broadcasts," she said. The last time that happened, she said, "Europe suffered extremely cold winters, widespread disease, and existentialism."


 

House Raises Fines on Cheap TV Tension

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The House on Wednesday overwhelmingly approved a dramatic increase in fines for cheap plot programming. "No more cop shows. No more hospital or courtroom shows either. Those extreme contexts produce automatic drama, cheap tension," said Rep. Joe Bustom, R-Texas, chairman of the Energy and Commerce Committee that sent the bill to the full House.

Supporters said stiffer penalties are needed to give deep-pocketed broadcasters more incentive to be more creative in generating story problems and to help assure parents that their children won't be exposed to stories that don't recognize the tension and drama of ordinary life.
The measure, which passed 389-38, boosts the maximum fine from $32,500to $500,000 for a company and from $11,000 to $500,000 for an individual entertainer who acts the part of a police officer, lawyer, or doctor.
Opponents of the bill said it will stifle TV homogeneity and disrupt the freedom to be tedious during prime time TV. "Instead of bills like this, I think we should exercise our rights to view easy plots by using that miracle of modern technology, the remote control," said Rep. Jerrold Nidder, R-N.Y.
The White House, in a statement, said it strongly supports the legislation that "will make broadcast television and radio more suitable for richer family literary and dramatic analysis."


 

Microsoft Finally Recalls Apple Computers

REDMOND,WA—Microsoft Corporation said Thursday that it was recalling 204.1 million Apple computers because they can be a choking hazard. "We've seen too many infants have accidents with Apple computers," said a Microsoft spokesperson. "They're a fire hazard, too," she added. "Those things light up like cotton balls."

Microsoft urged consumers to bring their Apple computers to any city recycling department in the country, and Microsoft officials would be on hand to accept the recall. Microsoft promised to supply consumers with replacement computers until the problems with various Apple lines could be fixed. Microsoft plans to repair the faulty Apples and return them to their owners in early 2009.
Bill Gates apologized for ever allowing these lines of computers to see the light of day. "We live and learn," he said. "We won't make the Apple mistake again. By the way, our new downloadable music system is nearly
complete. Children can choke on the iPods, too. Bring those babies back."
An executive at Apple Computer headquarters, Cupertino, CA, speaking on condition of anonymity, admitted knowing about difficulties but not the magnitude of the problem. Apple CEO Steve Jobs refused to comment except to note, "This is an outrage, but it's the law, and we don't want any child to catch on fire."


 

NASA Researchers Claim Evidence of Starbucks on Saturn Moon

Houston—NASA scientists told a group of space officials at a press conference Sunday that they have discovered Starbucks marketing materials on the Saturn moon Titan. 

The scientists, Jack Stoker and Lenore Lemke of NASA's Ames Research Center in Silicon Valley, said that evidence drawn from the European Space Agency's Huygens probe showed evidence of at least fourteen unstaffed Starbucks coffee shops.
Stoker said that images of Starbucks corrugated hand protectors stacked neatly on Titan soil might not be direct proof, "but it is certainly worth more study." Stoker and other researchers have long theorized about subsurface biological organisms, "but we never expected to find traces of biscotti and those chocolate covered graham crackers." ESA officials admitted suppressing some anger over the issue. One ESA official noted, "We would have gladly chosen another moon, if we had known."
Starbucks spokesperson Audrey Lincoln said that the company does not reveal the details of its international or intergalactic marketing plans, though it continues to expand its retail operations rapidly and hopes "to leverage the Starbucks brand wherever sentient beings may or may not appreciate good coffee."


 

FDA Whistleblower Warns of Knives

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Use of metal knives poses risk to millions of people who eat steak and butter bread, a Food and Drug Administration whistleblower told a panel reviewing the safety of the devices on Thursday.

Boxes of steaks knives were pulled off the market Sept. 30 by manufacturers, after a long-term study revealed risks of cuts and gashes.
The typical user of knives is someone between 15 and 80, with some health problems, Dr. Grane said. That person has a one-in-ten risk of a range of wounds, he said.
Grane previously complained he was being muzzled by his agency because "they said, everyone thinks knives are quite handy."
Rep. Linda Knowles (R-CA), outspoken opponent of Dr. Grane, objected that "if knives are banned, then we'll have an epidemic of spoon sharpening like in Nazi Germany."


 

Dentists Protest Hockey Season Cancellation

CHICAGO—The American Dental Association lodged a formal complaint against the National Hockey League for breach of their Alliance for Teeth agreement

"Dentists have a right to teeth," said ADA president Dr. Richard Heft. "Winter slows tooth decay. With the cancellation of the NHL hockey season, numerous metropolitan dental offices will close, not to mention that themultiple dozens of hockey fans are trying to find the right words to express their anger."
NHL commissioner Gary Bettman said that "before all these dentists move back to Canada, they should know we plan to double next year's season." Bettman noted that current players have yet to notice the cancellation. "They still believe it's just a long timeout."

Dentists / e-4

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