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Volume 17, Issue 2: Cretan Times

Bishops Riot as Da Vinci Code Film Starts Production

BRUSSELS—In response to Newsweek's publication of portions of the screenplay for the forthcoming Ron Howard-directed film of the Da Vinci Code, Roman Catholic, Anglican, and Methodist Bishops from around the world began riots which killed at least sixteen people in major metropolitan areas.

Police clashed with anti-Ron Howard demonstrators in Brussels and London, killing at least three people on Thursday as protests spread over areport about how the film depicts astronaut Tom Hanks rescuing Mary Magdalene from an abusive relationship behind enemy lines in Seattle.
The unrest came a day after riots in the city of Paris left four people dead —the worst anti-Ron Howard protests in France since the death of Jerry Lewis in 2001. Howard's publicist announced at a press conference Wednesday that "These bishops are animals; the film is just a simple story, just a story. Opie is ticked off."


American Idol Winner Demands Obeisance

HOLLYWOOD—After months of auditions and cuts, Fox's American Idol finally produced this season's winning star, Carrie Underwood, on the final episode last month. Reports now surfaced reveal the celebrations quickly soured for many when the new American idol stopped the show and demanded that the losing contestant light a candle and kneel before her. She quickly demanded the same obeisance from the judges, who followed the command. Within minutes the entire studio audience sang a monotone hymn to her.

American Idol executive producer Ken Warwick admitted the winner has the contractual right as the new idol to demand conformity with her will, "as well as certain sacrificial rites." Warwick said he had already fulfilled some of his own duties to Our Lady Underwood. Warwick noted the show had already released three cameramen who had refused to honor Our Lady properly. "They will have to answer for their own souls," he added. "The authorities will deal with the wretched attitudes of those traitors."
The usually caustic judge, Simon Cowell, said he was well aware of the contractual obligations of the show and added that the winner is not just the idol of the show but of all of America. "You have to admit, as an idol, she carries herself well; she has that special energy, that seductive edge necessary to fulfill her deeper calling. I love her hair, too. Perfect tone."


PETA Protests Treatment of Wookies

PRINCETON, N.J.—The animal-rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals on Wednesday called on federal investigators to shut down public display of the film Star Wars: Episode III—Revenge of the Sith, accusing its director George Lucas of mistreating Wookies, the shaggy giants used in the filming of the movie.

In making its claims at a news conference, PETA showed a videotape it said was covertly filmed by a staffer working undercover at Lucasfilm Ltd. The 273-page report PETA has given to the U.S. Department of Agriculture depicts frightened Wookies being yanked from their cages and handled roughly by aggressive and often cursing film technicians.
PETA spokeswoman Laura Isrington said, "Despite their savage countenance, Wookies are loyal and trusting—these are sacred tenets of Wookie society." Lucasfilm spokesman Jack Henner noted that Wookie tempers are short, and when angered, "they can fly into a beserker rage and will not stop until the object of their distemper is sufficiently destroyed."
Henner insisted that Lucasfilm Ltd. takes great care of all the galactic species in its charge, and its work with Wookies also helps develop medicines to treat diseases such as cancer, AIDS, and severe hair loss.


Bush Denies Promoting Darth Vader as Judicial Nomineee

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The showdown over President Bush's judicial nominees took center stage Wednesday in the U.S. Senate, when the Democratic leadership denounced the president for even suggesting that military appointee Lord Darth Vader serve on the Fifth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Louisiana. While the White House was quick to deny any such thought, Majority Leader Bill Frist called on the Senate to move toward an up-or-down vote on Vader, drawing fire from Democrats, who have fought Vader's nomination since episode five.

White House press secretary Scott McClellan repeated that the president had never "even met Lord Vader, let
W and Darth, B3


Homeland Security Bans Images of Planes in D.C.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an effort to overcome any further violations of the capitol's restricted air space, the Department of Homeland Security announced Tuesday it was renaming the "DC-No-Fly-Zone" to the "DC-Absolutely-No-Fly-Zone" (DANFZ) and banned all photos, videos, paintings, and pencil sketches of airplanes within five miles of the White House.

"We take security seriously," said secretary Michael Chertoff. "Terrorism
has to be a zero tolerance affair here among these nice buildings." He explained how the department has to educate the flying community on the very simple, very safe system being put in place. "People shouldn't even think about flying in this area. That only encourages violations." The department conceded it had taken three kindergarteners into custody that morning for unwise crayon usage.
When asked about the National Air and Space Museum at the National Mall, full of old military and civilian planes, Chertoff noted that both the Wright 1903 Flyer and the Spirit of St. Louis had been safely reassembled at a dairy in Wyoming. He then took that moment to announce the opening of the new National Pillow and Tape Museum, open in the former Air and Space spot from 10:00am-3:00pm daily.


Baseball Donates Leftover Steroids to Clay Aiken

NEW YORK, NY — Baseball players union chief Don Fehr is expected to be grilled today during congressional hearings about Bud Selig's new proposal to hand over baseball's excess steroids to American Idol's famous loser, Clay Aiken.

Selig proposed to the union that he had buckets and buckets of steroids that he would "like to see put to good use." Clay Aiken, widely acknowledged to be in need of body-enhancing steroids, sat loosely in his clothes during the meeting. Although management and the union representatives discussed the proposal last week, Fehr has been leery of using his phone.
Rep. Cliff George (R-Fla), the subcommittee chairman, admitted that his six-year-old daughter had bested Aiken in an arm wrestling test, "but Clay might have had an off day." Selig said if the union refuses to endorse the donation to Aiken, "I am left with no reasonable alternative, and I will support federal legislation to get these materials into the body of rapper Li'l Romeo."
Aiken reiterated his promise never to play sports and said to the assembled reporters, "What are you doing tonight? I wish I could be a fly on your wall. What will it take to make you see I'm alive?"


Army Recruiters Promise Only "War of Words"

FORT KNOX, KY — As Army recruiting numbers plunged in 2005, Army commanders have expressed the need to train field recruiters to explain that war is largely diplomacy and media interchanges, with very little shrapnel. "There is an awful lot of sitting and waiting," said Deputy Commanding General Donald Shortal. "That's what parents and potential recruits need to know."

Shortal oversees the new OWOW policy for persuading new recruits. The "Only War of Words" campaign focuses on how often, he says, "the media distorts what's going on in that sometime dangerous part of the world beyond Georgia." Shortal confesses that "with so many words flying about, it's difficult to tell whether there is even a war going on. We have our doubts. Share that with the potential soldiers you address." Given these circumstances, recruiters are urged to inform potential recruits that the Army needs many chefs and actors for commercials.


Florida Cancels Hurricane Season

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Under a bill the Florida legislature sent to Gov. Jeb Bush on Friday, this year's hurricane season will be called off after a series of last-minute offers were rejected. Disagreements over host proposals and disaster payments effectively shut down the hurricane stream even before it got a chance to start.

Hurricane season, already low in U.S. popularity ratings, becomes the first major natural disaster to lose an entire season. Opponents complained that taking a year off will only push hurricanes further off people's radar screens.
After the vote, the Speaker of the
Florida House Alan Penser announced, "This is a sad, regrettable day that all of us wish could have been avoided, but not really."
Several adjacent states objected to Florida's action. "I just wish they would have consulted with us a little," said Alabama governor Bob Riley. "Florida's decision creates some serious logistical problems for the rest of us who still embrace hurricanes. Shouldering their portion pushes up our costs."
Jeb Bush promised to sign the bill and assured surrounding states "we're planning to have hurricanes next season. We just needed a break."

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