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Volume 17, Issue 4: Cretan Times

Candlelight Vigil Brings War to a Halt

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a prime-time press conference Thursday, President Bush announced he has called off the war in Iraq due to the "stubborn peace activists standing their ground and holding their candles, every Friday, in Alton Park, Iowa." The president noted he was not convinced by any other peace vigils around the world, "just Alton Park's because they looked sincere and held those candles so still. Who wouldn't be moved to peace in the face of that?"

Fran Grady, organizer of Alton Peace Aflame, said, "There is no force like people united in their desire for peace. We've finally proved that." Ms. Grady noted how their vigils had been aided by having participants take part in seminars on how to look forlorn. "It takes people to stick their necks out and risk; people need to be willing to risk," said vigilist Maria Noren.
The mayor of Alton Park, Fred Duncan, conceded he was no friend of the peace vigil. "I thought it was just a self-righteous thing so they could praise each other and feel good about themselves. But now I'll rethink my position."
The group concedes it never wrote to the president or appeared on television. "We don't know how the president even found out about us," said Grady. In a communiqué issued after the press conference, President Bush said he discovered the group because "simple sincerity and standing still for hours have an osmosis-like effect on politicians. We just feel it."
When asked what evil their peace group would tackle next, Jeff Winkler, assistant treasurer of the APA, said, "I don't like to talk in terms of `tackling,' but we do have our candles aimed at the beef industry." Jerry Brook, spokesperson for the National Cattleman's Beef Board, said in response, "a peace vigil would have to look very, very sincere to topple our industry. They couldn't chicken out in the winter either."
The president has asked Alton Peace Aflame to join him in Baghdad during the upcoming troop pullout. The President said, "Nothing would be more effective than to bring the vigil's risky dedication and message of `Yes to peace, no to war' to the suicide bombers and rekindle the light of reason." Fran Grady could not be reached for comment


Supreme Court Nominee Alito's Elementary School Writings Reveal Early Edginess

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As a fourth grader at Queen of All Saints Elementary School, Trenton, New Jersey, Supreme Court nominee Sameul Alito doodled tanks in the margins of his math worksheets. Sister Janet Andrews discovered the tank marginalia, along with other writings, in a recent archive search. "Some tanks are clearer than others; some might be exploding," she said Friday. "Some artillery appear to be pointing at unfinished arithmetic problems. That might suggest some revolutionary fervor."

English teacher, Sister Mary Ann Marke noted that Alito's grammar practice-paragraphs had a tendency to return "again and again to the topic of the recent Ranger VII spacecraft photographs of the moon." Sister Marke expressed concern that this might suggest early utopian leanings, a worry confirmed, she said, by one paragraph expressing grief "at the death of Harpo Marx."
Supreme Court observers expressed concern in particular over a worksheet with several games of hangman sketched across the back. Nathan Jerome, a history professor at Duke, noted that "the secret words chosen for the three hangman games were: Vietnam, Beatles, and Pope John XXIII. In the one game where his classmate lost, Alito inserted a tongue hanging out of the stickman's mouth." Jerome suggested that this shows Alito was already "wrestling with the role and effectiveness of conservatives in society." Harvard sociology professor, Jackie Miens said the real issue of the hangman games centered on the rule-breaking. "I'm sure you can't use proper names in hangman. I worry about what this says concerning Alito's devotion to legal precedent."


DEA Breaks Up Placebo Rings

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Drug enforcement agents have arrested 160 people in four U.S. cities and two countries, and have broken up three major transportation rings in a 10-month placebo-trafficking sting revealed Friday. "Never underestimate the power of positive thinking," said DEA administrator Tara Landren. "It cripples millions across the country."

Dubbed Operation Neverland by the DEA, arrests were made Thursday in Minneapolis, Des Moines, Kansas City, and Fargo. "The streets from Bismarck, North Dakota to Lincoln, Nebraska are no longer a free trade zone for mind-twisting lies," Landren said in a statement. "Rest assured: the DEA will be relentless in targeting placebo traffickers until they no longer have the means to put their fantasies into the hands of our children."
Sugar Pills/ Z81


Suicide-Bombing Schools Lag in Alumni Donations<

NEW YORK — U.S. News and World Report international college rankings show a steep decline in alumni donation rates among top terrorist schools. The Al-Saiqua and Hirbeh Schools rank respectively 727th and 749th among international universities, a significant drop from their prior rankings.

"I don't think anyone is certain about the cause of the decline in donors since 1990. It is consistent with a worldwide national trend," said Widaad Amal, dean of Dar-il Harb College, a leading educator of self-propelled alumni.
"Alumni giving is an institutional priority, often called `Job One' by the president and trustees," said Buturs Saiid, associate director of annual giving at Al-Quds College.
Ali Ahmad, a first-year in the college, explained soliciting alumni donations is no easy job. "They usually say they can't afford it, whether or not it's true, but I've heard that the college is too liberal, that it's too conservative, that people don't like the Mahmuud building," Ahmad said. "Many just let their cell-phones ring and ring forever." Graduating fourth-years, busy trying to secure a strategic mission, say they are sometimes put off by the College's request for them to donate more money.
Statistics show that one way to increase alumni donation is starting the tradition early. As the year comes to an end, another graduating class will enter the pool of young alumni. Saiid says, "Only time will tell whether our fundraising efforts will pay off with new alumni, and whether giving back will become part of our tradition. We are starting a postcard campaign."


Illegal Canadians Create Northern Border Crisis

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Homeland Security has said it will send more than 500 additional Border Patrol agents to the U.S. northern border this year to help stop the flow of illegal Canadians into the United States. The population of illegal Canadians surged to more than 10 million last year, according to a new study from the Pew Canuck Center.

"I was just sick of all the rules posted everywhere," said Frank Hayet, an illegal recently taken into custody. "And I found out roast chicken wasn't unique Canadian cuisine; I'm sick of the lies."
A few congressmen realize the growing problem of illegal immigration into this country and are trying to propose solutions to fix it. Rep. Robbie Sensang, R-Wisconsin, is fighting the administration to pass necessary reforms:
"Illegal Canadians depress hockey wages and drain the U.S. economy of cigarettes." Sensang noted illegal Canadians constantly smuggle low-price medicines across the border, as well as gang members, "though their gangs have yet to threaten anyone."
A proposed McCain-Kennedy bill allows illegal Canadians already in the US to apply for a guest worker visa as long as they promise not to speak French, scowl, or open any more comedy improv clubs.
Some conservative groups have declared they will fight any legislation that precludes Canadians from working as house servants. A poll released last week shows 84 percent of Americans favor a plan allowing illegal Canadians to stay and work in the United States with an opportunity to become Mexicans later.


Shuttle Commander Spots Bad Children from Space

HOUSTON — Speaking from the International Space Station in orbit around the Earth, shuttle Discovery captain Eileen Collins said the astronauts could easily identify misbehaving children around the planet.

"They light up like fireflies," said Collins. "I surmise badness has some connection to plankton glow." Speaking to Malaysian officials via satellite, Collins said that as the Earth revolved beneath her, huge swaths of misbehaving children were clearly mapped out below.
"It's very widespread in some parts of the world," Collins said. "We would like to see, from the astronaut's point of view, children of the Earth act more appropriately and stay in school."
Collins, on her fourth trip outside the Earth's protective atmosphere, made it clear that she feared the bad kids were starting to outnumber the good kids. "Goodness is like an eggshell on an egg; it's so very thin," said Collins. Collins made clear that her observations should "also help demystify a lot about Christmas."

Al Gore Goes to Rehab B2

Martha Stewart Sues Ankle Bracelet Manufacturer for Chafing B3

Chirac Surrenders to Peaceful Rioters C1

Bush Nominates Confused Cindy Sheehan Ambassador to Uqbar

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