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Volume 17, Issue 5: Cave of Adullam

Mutterings on the Regnant Follies

Norah Jones

Some People Never Saw The Sound of Music
David Irving, a far right British historian, was arrested recently in Austria, and was charged with "denying the Holocaust," which, as it turns out, is a crime in that country.

Of course, human rights advocates and free speech absolutists here in America have been clamoring for Irving's release, and . . . excuse me? what? . . . never mind.

Bull Like Jazz
Donald Miller has been selling a lot of books like his Blue Like Jazz because he thinks the evangelical church is a place where you are judged if you "don't have your life together."

This is just one of our issues, you know, and we are getting a little tired of people making money from their books that judge us in our little struggles. We're not Jesus, all right, and if we occasionally let fly with a little marginalizing or ostracizing comment, what is that to some people? Everybody sins a little. Does Miller want us to be perfect or something?

But What Happened to the Bar Codes?
On another front, authors Albrecht and McIntyre are busy warning Christians about radio frequency identification (or RFID) as the mark of the beast from the book of Revelation. Of course the Bible teaches that the mark of the beast goes on the right hand or forehead, places that are impractical for RFID implants. But we let that pass. The authors are not yet sure "how the 666 part fits in." Their book is called Spychips.

Of course, how the 666 part fits in would seem to be an important part of the argument.

Of Course, California
To begin our next segment with an oxymoron, some public health attorneys in California are attacking some potato-chip manufacturers for not listing acrylamide as one of the ingredients in their chips, and acrylamide, according to the WHO, may be responsible for up to one third of all cancers caused by diet.

In layman's terms, this means if six people in the world got cancer from something they ate, then up to two of them might have gotten it from acrylamide, which in turn they might have gotten from a potato chip.

Speaking Of Squandering Gifts . . .

Veggie Tales has now undertaken a rendition of Lord of the Beans—"one bean to rule them all"—in which kids learn a "memorable lesson about using the gifts God has given them."

On to Narnia!

Was Just a Matter of Time
A number of Ph.Ds have taken up the next great issue in human rights. It turns out that sex with children "can benefit" boys, and if you look at it from the right angle, it can even serve a "mentoring function." One contributor to the book in question, a gentleman named Bruce Rind, has argued that in "ancient Greece, samurai Japan, and numerous other cultures, pederasty was seen as the noblest of human relations, conducive if not essential to nurturing the adolescent's successful intellectual and physical maturation."

Get that? That little word "essential?" And what are you guilty of if you withhold something essential from your child? That's right, you are guilty of child abuse! You fundamentalist hater, you.

Left Behind is Left Behind
Left Behind: World at War is the third movie based on the series of novels on the end of the world as imagined by LaHaye and Jenkins. This movie opened on 3,200 screens across the country, but was not shown in a single commerical theater. Rather, it opened directly in churches.

Because the only way to get people to watch this treacle is to make it a religious duty.

In Joisey, It's Forty Days of Poypuss
A recent promo piece for the 40 Days of Purpose put the results this way: "What were the results in other churches? Attendance grew by approximately 20%. The number of new groups grew by 59%. Ministry involvement increased by more than 18%. Tithing increased by up to 20%." Notice that last one. Increased tithing of "up to 20%" would include 2%.

But in any case, our session wouldn't even consider it until the National Association of Evangelicals tightens up their policies on testing for steroids.

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