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Volume 18, Issue 2: Cave of Adullam

Mutterings on the Regnant Follies

Madame Orthodoxy

Just Gotta Get a Message to You
It appears that a lady, 38, employed maroon spraypaint on her shed to send a message to neighbors: "Proud to be Irish and not Polish and Slovak." Then she had a television set that she propped on a fence facing her neighborís home, and which said, "Trash made in Poland." And of course, she faces charges for ethnic harassment.

And what the judge ought to do is round up about twenty-five area comedians and make them tell her Irish jokes. When she laughs, she can go home. Like how the wheelbarrow was invented to teach Irishmen to walk on their hind legs.

Zen Tolerance
Some school officials in Viroqua, Wisconsin decided to cancel their high schoolís Diversity Day rather than include the views of Christians and former homosexuals. The diversity lined up before the party crashers got there included the "Hmong, Jews, Muslims, Native Americans, African-Americans, homosexuals, Latinos, Buddhists, the physically disadvantaged, and the economically disadvantaged."

Well, no wonder they wouldnít add any more categories. Look at the beginning of the list again. It was already Hmongous.

Hard to Anticipate Things Anymore
Because I am associated with a ministry, people mail me things. One thing I recently received was a packet of three (3) Celebration Cups. They are "individual communion wafer, wine or juice sets." It is a little plastic dealy with a peel-back tab, wafer right under it, and then the communion wine or juice in the cup. You can carry everything to the church in a box, and distribute them all. People pull back the first seal, and they get the plastic approximation of bread (yes, I tried one), and then they pull back the second seal, and drink the wine or juice. Easy peasy.

But halfway through the fourth communion service, everybody in the church dies in a giant fireball because they all pull back the seventh seal.

Getting Harder to Anticipate Things Anymore
And you can even take cases of the previous item over to www.inflatablechurch.com and set up a toney little worship service anywhere on the planet, provided you have a big enough bicycle pump.

So you can now get married in a chapel that looks something like the Michelin tire man. The Apocalypse is here.

Finally a Priest Who Relates to the Young
And in case you didnít believe me about the Apocalypse arriving, this now in. An enterprising young Episcopal priest has produced The Hip Hop Prayer Book. This devotional puppy has two (not one, but two) prefaces written by bishops. For a sample, consider this adaptation of the 23rd Psalm. And you have to read all of it. "The Lord is all that, I need for nothing./He allows me to chill./He keeps me from being heated/and allows me to breathe easy./He guides my life so that/I can represent and give shouts out in his Name./And even though I walk through/the Hood of death,/I donít back down/for you have my back./The fact that you have me covered/allows me to chill./He provides me with back-up/in front of my player-haters/and I know that I am a baller/and life will be phat./I fall back in the Lordís crib/for the rest of my life."

For the rest of my life? Are you sure? Of course, you gotta love the liturgizzy in the holy hizzy.

Was Just a Matter of Time
Turns out a Welsh couple set up a web site in order to market sex toys to Christians. They were expecting a storm of criticism, but what they got was a "lot of orders from vicars themselves."

Why would they expect a torrent of criticism? Unless it might be from frustrated satirists who are tired of people running around making it impossible to lampoon anything anymore because the spotís already taken. And there are not enough of us to make up a torrent anyway.

Real Bug Juice
Know what gives Tropicana Ruby Red Grapefruit juice that distinctive color? Thatís right, kids! It comes from the crushed female cochineal beetle. The killjoys at the FDA are apparently proposing that food companies be required to put this little item on the label, and apparently it affects lots of products.

Or was this more than you wanted to know?

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