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Volume 7, Issue 3: Cave of Adullam


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I Want My MTW
The Presbyterian Advocate reports that the bureaucratic missionary headquarters of the Presbyterian Church in America (PCA), called Mission to the World (MTW), had just recently discovered that it was mysteriously, albeit really, 2.8 million dollars short. Moreover, MTW, doing its part for the fulfillment of the Great Commission, raised the fees it charges missionaries in the field. Presbyterian missionaries now have to pay bureaucratic headquarters $12,300 a year for the privilege of dedicating themselves to overseas work.

Christ overturned tables in the Temple. We need someone to start overturning file cabinets.

Omnino Mirabile Fuit
A feller over in Finland got the bright idea of translating some of Elvis' songs into Latin and then recording them. His name is Jukka Ammondt, which partially explains it, and he teaches literature at the University of Jyvaskyla, which explains the rest. "Love Me Tender" is "Tenere me ama ," and "It's Now or Never" is "Nunc hic aut numquam ." The actual translator, Teivas Oksala, said that the Latin language was well-suited to "Elvis' eternal themes of love." Ammondt had been given a papal medal in 1993 for recording Finnish tangos in Latin, which apparently only encouraged him.

Seems that somebody is about three fries short of a Happy Meal. 1

Divisive Separations
In a recent sidebar discussion of church discipline, the magazine Gentle Spirit muddied the waters for us this way. "There is much disagreement among denominations and individual Christians about how and when church discipline is to be administered. It has, in the past, been widely abused. Some Christian leaders do not believe the church should ever exercise discipline (i.e., Alvin L. Hoksbergen, 'Excommunication, A No Vote' The Banner, August 1981, who maintains that the practice of church discipline has driven many from the church, causing deep hurt and bitterness.)

The problem with church discipline is that it drives people away? And the problem with Hymenaus and Alexander is that Paul didn't try hard enough to feel their pain. 2

Car Accidents Cause AIDS?
The Cato Policy Report passed on a report detailing "how African health officials inflate the number of deaths from the complications of AIDS, both because AIDS cases attract foreign money, whereas traditional African disease and death do not. . . . One relief worker [noted] that counts of children orphaned by AIDS in an African village 'were virtually meaningless, I made them up myself . . . then, to my amazement, they were published as official figures in the WHO [World Health Organization] . . . book on African AIDS. . . . The figure has more than doubled, based on I don't know what evidence, since these people have never been here. . . . If people die of malaria, it is called AIDS, if they die of herpes, it is called AIDS. I've seen people die in accidents and it's been attributed to AIDS. The AIDS figures out of Africa are pure lies.'"

Now come on, why be such a stickler about petty things like numbers? These were sincere, warmhearted, compassionate, thoughtful lies.

What a Hoot
National Review reports that a black student has filed a grievance with the Office of Affirmative Action. It appears that the student was denied entrance to a meeting of an all-white group on campus, and, no, it wasn't a right-wing racist group. It was the other kind of racist group, specifically, White Women Against Racism. A spokes . . . uh, whatever, solemnly explained the no-blacks policy. "We believe racism is a white problem."

It's about time someone figured this angle out. For example, folks have been calling the KKK racist for years. It's really a co-dependent group for knuckleheads. [3]

Pagan Pagan Revisionism
In the Green Egg, one of the more popular "real" pagan periodicals, Morning Glory Zell expounded the virtues of the ancient goddess Asherah and explained that "We know that Asherah was hated by the Hebrew patriarchs, and is mentioned numerous times in the Old Testament, largely in reference to burning or cutting down Her sacred groves. . . . Yahwist zealots took the life of Queen Jezebel, who was a powerful supporter of her worship in the temples. . . . [Asherah devotees] answered that they would continue to burn incense to the Queen of Heaven and pour libations to her . . . because She brought them peace and plenty and when they ceased their worship they knew only drought and disaster (Jer. 7 & 44). This goddess continued Her popularity with the Hebrew peopleespecially womenand a temple was built for Her by Solomon in the 10th century BCE. In the 9th century at Mizpah, north of Jerusalem, temples of Yahweh and Asherah stood side by side."

But. . . the point. . . but . . . perhaps . . . did you . . . but

And Finally
In several big cities, the U.S. Postal Service has removed clocks and other "non-user-friendly items" from their service lobbies.

But they're thinking of replacing the clocks with some very attractive snail race terrariums.

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