Volume 8, Issue 1: Cave of Adullam
Mutterings on the Regnant Follies
The Department of Housing and Urban Devolopment has recently mounted its high
horse and issued a list of words which are naughty and are not for the widdle
kids mouds.They're not joking. If any newspapers, real estate offices, sales agents,
or MLS offices are found to be using the illegal words they are slapped with
a minimal fine of $50,000. In celebration of this expensive idiocy, this magazine
will attempt to write two full sentences that are composed of words and phrases
entirely illegal, and which will hopefully make more sense than the HUD policy:
Able-bodied Caucasians see the view near agile non-drinking alcoholic Oriental
adult-only Mormon Temple. Chicano shrine required integrated Asian-Irish newly exclusive
crippled smokers healthy only.
Presbyterian Church of Antarctica
We recently discovered that the term "PCA" is the registered Service Mark of (coincidentally
enough) the PCA. Anyone who uses the term without the express permission of the
appropriate representative of the General Assembly will be guilty of infringement
of property rights and will no doubt undergo severe U.N. sanctions as a result
of their crime against mankind. Although they may have a good reason, all we have to say is:
The Chicago Tribune reports on the egalimania over the water at the University
of Central Lancashire in Preston, England. Staff at that university may no longer
use the personal pronoun my when introducing a secretary or wife. Maureen Dearden,
university press officer, said, "People should be introduced by their full names
and not their relationship with another person." She says, "Saying 'my' gives a sense
of ownership and hierarchy. This is an egalitarian institution." Instead of saying,
"This is my wife, Amanda," the proper way to speak would be something like, "This
is Amanda. We are married."
At least they don't have to worry about intelligent people admitting that this
is "my university."
It has recently come to our attention that Thomas Nelson, Inc. has seen and filled
the need for a brand new Woman's Study Bible . This edition will provide "guidance
. . . that is fresh and relevant for today," and will finally open "the Word of
God to Women."
Hooray for our side!
Yes. And No.
Jim Lucas is an ordained minister in the Christian Reformed Church , and is
an open, but celibate, homosexual. He is in the employ of Calvin College, which
is owned and operated by the CRC. In a speech at Calvin, he had this to say.
"I do think that it's necessary to acknowledge the fact that sincere and knowledgeable
Christians hold various viewpoints on the issue of homosexuality." He also said,
"I think on the basis of Reformed interpretation of Scriptures, one can make a
case for gay marriages . . . . I also realize a case can be made on the basis
of the same Reformed principles of interpretation for an opposing position which
says there is no place for any kind of gay relationships . . . . I think both
We think Lucas has a good point. We also think he doesn't. What fun. This kind
of Hegelianism is really really wicked and really really good. Moreover this
kind of Hegelianism is wicked and good and it is not wicked and good. No, wait.
Popular speaker and writer Stu Weber recently had this to say in Locking Arms ,
in a chapter entitled "History's Greatest High Five." Saith Mr. Weber, "If there
were high fives in the first century, I can think of a couple of scenes where
Jesus likely would have practiced them. In fact, in one of those scenes His arms
actually were extended, though not over His head. But His shout was a victory
shout. It was a shout of great pressure and great pleasure (see Isaiah 53:11).
There on the cross, when He had paid the price for our sins, with arms fully
extended, the Lord of the universe shouted, 'It is finished!' It was the greatest
arms-extended, high-five moment in history!"
And in our next category, which is greatest moments in well-meaning but nonetheless
idiotic blasphemy . . .
We recently discovered the magazine Fish Stories which is geared toward Christian
kids who wish they were cool.It is published by James Cobb, who wishes he was
cool. He is a sel f appointed specialist in the "rap and hiphop scene" who is
attempting to use his gift of lippin' gangsta talk to its full discipleship potential.
In an article from his most recent "zine" he encourages teens to "rebel in Christ." Techniques
to help one do so? Listen to "cool Christian musicLOUD," hang at a Christian coffee
house your parents hate, and stay out real late at a Christian concert. Ooooo.
Whoa. Somebody is finally using the speech common II the Uth of IIday in order
II encourage them II rebel in Christ? A sore need IV these troubled times!
The Uth of IIday need messages that are especially designed IV them! And somebody
has finally gotten around II it! And our admiration for the magnitude of this
endeavor is heightened through our realization that Uth ministries are run by
people who wouldn't know what Cool was if it lived in their refrigerator.