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Volume 8, Issue 1: Cave of Adullam

Mutterings on the Regnant Follies

Ichabod Henthorn

Dirty Words
The Department of Housing and Urban Devolopment has recently mounted its high horse and issued a list of words which are naughty and are not for the widdle kids mouds.They're not joking. If any newspapers, real estate offices, sales agents, or MLS offices are found to be using the illegal words they are slapped with a minimal fine of $50,000. In celebration of this expensive idiocy, this magazine will attempt to write two full sentences that are composed of words and phrases entirely illegal, and which will hopefully make more sense than the HUD policy:

Able-bodied Caucasians see the view near agile non-drinking alcoholic Oriental adult-only Mormon Temple. Chicano shrine required integrated Asian-Irish newly exclusive crippled smokers healthy only.

Presbyterian Church of Antarctica
We recently discovered that the term "PCA" is the registered Service Mark of (coincidentally enough) the PCA. Anyone who uses the term without the express permission of the appropriate representative of the General Assembly will be guilty of infringement of property rights and will no doubt undergo severe U.N. sanctions as a result of their crime against mankind. Although they may have a good reason, all we have to say is:

PCA!PCA!PCA!PCA!PCA!PCA!PCA!PCA!PCA!

My, My
The Chicago Tribune reports on the egalimania over the water at the University of Central Lancashire in Preston, England. Staff at that university may no longer use the personal pronoun my when introducing a secretary or wife. Maureen Dearden, university press officer, said, "People should be introduced by their full names and not their relationship with another person." She says, "Saying 'my' gives a sense of ownership and hierarchy. This is an egalitarian institution." Instead of saying, "This is my wife, Amanda," the proper way to speak would be something like, "This is Amanda. We are married."

At least they don't have to worry about intelligent people admitting that this is "my university."

Pink Bibles
It has recently come to our attention that Thomas Nelson, Inc. has seen and filled the need for a brand new Woman's Study Bible . This edition will provide "guidance . . . that is fresh and relevant for today," and will finally open "the Word of God to Women."

Hooray for our side!

Yes. And No.
Jim Lucas is an ordained minister in the Christian Reformed Church , and is an open, but celibate, homosexual. He is in the employ of Calvin College, which is owned and operated by the CRC. In a speech at Calvin, he had this to say. "I do think that it's necessary to acknowledge the fact that sincere and knowledgeable Christians hold various viewpoints on the issue of homosexuality." He also said, "I think on the basis of Reformed interpretation of Scriptures, one can make a case for gay marriages . . . . I also realize a case can be made on the basis of the same Reformed principles of interpretation for an opposing position which says there is no place for any kind of gay relationships . . . . I think both have legitimacy."

We think Lucas has a good point. We also think he doesn't. What fun. This kind of Hegelianism is really really wicked and really really good. Moreover this kind of Hegelianism is wicked and good and it is not wicked and good. No, wait. . .

Jeepers
Popular speaker and writer Stu Weber recently had this to say in Locking Arms , in a chapter entitled "History's Greatest High Five." Saith Mr. Weber, "If there were high fives in the first century, I can think of a couple of scenes where Jesus likely would have practiced them. In fact, in one of those scenes His arms actually were extended, though not over His head. But His shout was a victory shout. It was a shout of great pressure and great pleasure (see Isaiah 53:11). There on the cross, when He had paid the price for our sins, with arms fully extended, the Lord of the universe shouted, 'It is finished!' It was the greatest arms-extended, high-five moment in history!"

And in our next category, which is greatest moments in well-meaning but nonetheless idiotic blasphemy . . .

Yo Cheese
We recently discovered the magazine Fish Stories which is geared toward Christian kids who wish they were cool.It is published by James Cobb, who wishes he was cool. He is a sel f appointed specialist in the "rap and hiphop scene" who is attempting to use his gift of lippin' gangsta talk to its full discipleship potential. In an article from his most recent "zine" he encourages teens to "rebel in Christ." Techniques to help one do so? Listen to "cool Christian musicLOUD," hang at a Christian coffee house your parents hate, and stay out real late at a Christian concert. Ooooo.

Whoa. Somebody is finally using the speech common II the Uth of IIday in order II encourage them II rebel in Christ? A sore need IV these troubled times! The Uth of IIday need messages that are especially designed IV them! And somebody has finally gotten around II it! And our admiration for the magnitude of this endeavor is heightened through our realization that Uth ministries are run by people who wouldn't know what Cool was if it lived in their refrigerator.

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