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Volume 8, Issue 3: Cave of Adullam

Mutterings on the Regnant Follies

Simon Garfunkel

The Naked Truth
The good news: there is a Christian family conference in Ocean Isle Beach, North Carolina. The surprising news: It is a nudist conference. There will be hot-tubbing, karaoke, and Bible reading. Clothing is optional in all activities except the hot-tubbing and swimming; you must be naked to participate in those. Children, however, are not required to get naked at any time. There will be seminars on how to be a witness in the nudist movement.

We wonder what these people's childhoods were like. Then again ... no we don't.

I Have a Dream
Campus Crusade is excited. The reason being that their "Jesus Film Teams" have found fruit ready for the picking. Or so they say. Apparently the Muslim world is having one big dream. Hundreds, yea, thousands of Muslims in Iraq and Algeria have reported that Jesus has come to them in their sleep and told them that He is the way. Some in Algeria have even seen the resurrected Christ. So what did they do when they had this dream? They all wrote Campus Crusade and told them about it. Thus Campus Crusade, acting with incredible wisdom and ninja-like agility, has appropriated 1.4 million dollars toward the creation of more "Jesus Film Teams" so as to answer the needs caused by seeing Jesus when a Muslim.

What do you get when you cross an hallucinating Arab with a wide-eyed Yank? Free movies!

Easy Cheese
We have finally discovered the key to successful preachinghave someone else do it for you. Yes, here it is. You will never give another bad sermon, and if you do, it's not your fault because you didn't write it. This new program is called Injoy. It was founded by John C. Maxwell (who was apparently not spanked enough when he was little) because he wanted to "share 52 of my best sermons" with us. One per week, these sermons come with an outline on computer disk so you can make it look like you prepared. Handy, eh? They are even on the perfect topics for every congregation. There are sermons on stress, the real present of Christmas, and one will even help your congregation recognize "their true potential in God." And best of all John guarantees that his kit will cut your preparation time by 80%. Order now and he will give a 10% discount.

He's from California.

Poofter Humor
We have discovered, not that we wanted to, a gay clothing catalogue named Tzabaco and, according to the first page, it continues in its "commitment to serving gays, lesbians, our friends and families and to portraying our lives and values in a positive way." Throughout this, um, publication we are supplied with a pictoral account of a gay vacation. Each picture of the various couples also has gripping dialogue for our literary pleasure. For example, gay number one says, "Why do you think we got our pick of the cottages?" Gay number two then responds with the obvious solution. "Probably because Mike and Alex knew they'd hear about it all weekend if we didn't."

Maybe our homophobia is off chasing our sense of humor down the street. But we don't think so.

The Religious Righter
The Episcopalian Church is having a trial, and they've invited Bishop Righter to it. Righter is being charged with heresy for his appointment of Barry Stopfel, a noncelibate sexual dyslexic as a deacon. The deacon has since moved up in the world, now a priest in New Jersey where he lives in the rectory with his lover of ten years. We here at Credenda would like to be the first to congratulate Miss Stopfel.

We hope the Episcopalians not only convict Righter but that they confine him to the city. If let loose in the country, he would no doubt be out there ordaining the livestock. Or worse.

I'm Way Cool
Psychology has finally come through for us. There is, after all, a first for everything. But perhaps it would be more accurate to say that a smallish group of psychologists have inadvertantly fallen headlong into the ditch of truth. A recent study found that aggressive, violent and hostile peoplesuch as neo-Nazis, wife-beaters, and members of the KKKwere consistently found to have, get this, high self-esteem. This, um, causes some, um, cognitive dissonance among the Orthodox down at the Temple of Me. But study coauthor Laura Smart drew the obvious conclusion when she said, "Trying to build the self-esteem . . . could be counterproductive."

We have felt this way here at Credenda for years. We simply have been reluctant to publish our findings because the self-worth of modern self-esteem psychology is notoriously fragile, and we didn't want the responsibility of pushing those fine folks around the bend.

Give Me Oil in My Car, Keep Me Running
Word has reached us that Willow Creek Community Church in the Chicago area, renowned for its efforts in pioneering the "seeker friendly" church service, has added a new attraction to bring in those with a deep spiritual hunger. If you would like, while you worship, the church will change the oil in your car.

Like Dave Barry, we don't make these things up.

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