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Volume 8, Issue 5: Cultura

Ten Easy Steps to Church Purity

Roy Atwood

Are you fed up with pastors and elders who take their sweet time kicking the doctrinally weak and confused out the church door? Do you yearn for a congregation that's really tough on church purity? Are you tired of waiting for mealy mouthed church goers to recognize the wisdom of your perspective? Well, wait no more.

Now, in just 10 Easy Steps, you can have the church of your dreams! Just think, you can have unlimited church growth and doctrinal purity at the same time! This is no johnny-come-lately gimmick. This is no passing fad. Generations of church-planters and thousands of congregations the world over have used these tried-and-true methods with 100 percent success. That's right! Now you can rid your fellowship of those unsightly weaker brothers and start a new congregation whenever the spirit moves you. Guaranteed. A pastor from Colingswood, New Jersey, writes, "We now have the purest church in the region and have started hundreds of new congregations through church splits, thanks to 10 Easy Steps. We've used their methods for years with absolute success. We highly recommend the program."
1. How to use the Bible to justify your actions. Make your Bible work for you. In just a few hours you'll be quoting proof-texts for your cause you never dreamed relevant. In just days, you'll be in command of the most obscure Bible verses anywhere and have them doing your bidding.
2. How to make church government work for you. Don't wait for the rusty wheels of church government to turn. Take charge by making the rules and bureaucracy serve your purposes. Heck, make up the rules yourself. With 10 Easy Steps, you'll soon be electing your allies to church office, purging your opponents, passing your resolutions, and running the church like you owned the place!
3. How to "Come out from among them and be ye separate!" (2 Cor. 6:17). Separate, separate, separate. You'll never let the context of this bother you again. 10 Easy Steps will make you a pro at effectively purging even your closest friends, relatives, and brothers in Christ the moment they challenge your authority or criticize your opinions. Or, you can cause a church split and start a congregation on your own anytime you like. Now, you can seize the moral high ground on any argument by becoming a separatist's separatist. You'll never have to worry about doing things "decently and in order" again with 10 Easy Steps's approach to church discipline.
4. How to "Touch not the unclean thing!" (2 Cor. 6:17). Put some real teeth in the 10 commandments and you'll take command of your congregation. Simply lay down the law on behaviors the Bible never got around to addressing. No more alcohol. No more movies. No more polka-dotted dresses. No more airbags. If God were still inspiring scripture today, you know these evils would be first on His hit list. So get a jump on the divine movement, and condemn libertines and their vices before they spread like vermin!
5. How to prevent "A little leaven" from leavening "the whole lump!" (1Cor. 5:6). In just hours, you'll learn how to flatten the old slippery slope. In just days, you won't give an inch to anyone or anything you don't approve. You'll learn how to purge those who aren't "100 percenters" before they purge you! Soon you'll learn how to detect grand conspiracies before they have time to organize against you and your righteous cause.
6. How to "Be steadfast, immovable" (2 Cor. 15.58). Don't be blown by every wind of doctrine. Whether you're right or wrong, 10 Easy Steps can show you how to be impervious to criticism and correction. You'll learn how to get a pit bull grip on your position regardless of its merits. You'll never change your mind or bend your neck again for anyone.
7. How to "Not be unequally yolked together" (2 Cor 6:14). 10 Easy Steps will also show you how to avoid anything to do with other congregations or denominations. Soon you won't even think about talking to other pastors or elders as equals. You won't even think about broader government affiliations. In just days, you'll recognize how pure your church has become.
8. How to use trials and tribulations to your advantage. Sure, some people will complain that you're a hardnosed demagogue. Let them whine. With 10 Easy Steps your parishioners will soon think they're being persecuted for righteousness' sake. In just hours, you'll learn how to make your church members feel like they're martyrs for the true faith.
9. How to use church discipline to control disagreeable troublemakers. Never bring formal legal charges against anybody again. 10 Easy Steps will show you how to use your church newsletter and congregational meetings to silence your opponents. Soon you'll make troublemakers wish they'd never set foot in your congregation.
10. How to make purity more important than unity. Never let unity find a place on the agenda with purity again. In just days, you'll discover how unity and accountability are the real enemies of purity. 10 Easy Steps will show you how a well-timed purge or church split can reinforce the purity of your flock and keep one-world types from getting their unity hooks in your congregation!
It's as easy as that. Order your 10 Easy Steps books, cassettes, or videos today. If you act before your next congregational meeting, we'll include a free copy of "Precious Moments," a durable, vinyl-clad album that will preserve the memories of your church splits for a lifetime. Guaranteed. But wait, there's more! You'll also receive a free copy of our latest obligation-filled catalog of products and services. So call 1-800-SCHISM now.

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