Volume 9, Issue 1: Cave of Adullam
Mutterings on the Regnant Follies
We Guess Not
Apparently when we reported to you the brilliant wreck of one Chevy Impala in a recent Cave, we misled. We related to you nothing more than an urban Internet legend, and a darn good one at that. We regret to inform you that an Impala did not fly into a cliff and the driver was not vaporized. This is because there was no driver. There was no cliff, and the jury is still out on the Impala. While most people would feel embarrassed to admit such a fault as ours, we are not so vain. Besides, we know that all of you have done far worse, including those of you who informed us of our most grievous error. But remember that just because we messed up once doesn't mean that it will ever happen again.
Did you hear that Bigfoot was shot yesterday?
The Beast! The Beast!
Did you know that "a dictatorial system to I.D., Track, and Control Every Human on the Planet is now being Implemented"? No? Neither did we, but according to Wake-Up Call America a system called the "Beast 666 Universal Human Control System" is on its way to your neighborhood. This system would give every living person a "Universal Biometrics Card" which would enable the bad guys to track us widdle kids. Who's doing the tracking? Well let's run throught the list: ". . . the FBI, IRS, BATF, CIA, DIA, DEA, NSA, US Teasury Service, and Department of Justice. . . the KGB, the British Intelligence Service, and Israel's terroristic Mossad spy organization."
No problem. But if the Post Office gets involved, we should all get worried.
Ain't No Thang
Delaware Public-school officials recently tightened up the dress code for their state schools--banning some vile T-shirts with the legend "God is Good!" on them. It was a near miss for pagans everywhere.
Good thing somebody's on the ball. Some poor student could have been confronted with an unpleasant remember. Not to mention all the therapy costs if one of the administrators were to get a glimpse.
Evangelical Wind Pudding
Here's that perfectly clean movie you've been searching for! Christian Country Line Dancing! It's great fun for the whole family. You'll learn to line dance to Christian music for fifty swell minutes, and best of all you'll learn the Electric Slide! What's the difference between `Christian' and `non-Christian' line-dancing? We think it's the quality of the music.
Or it could be tracing out John 3:16 as you boot scoot.
President Clinton officially designated October 12-19 as "National Character Counts Week." He also said on the day of his announcement that "During this special week, we recognize that character is not a quality we are born with; we must learn it."
Kids, work hard and listen to avuncular Bill and you too can have. . . um. . . character.
4-H has taken a hit. Political Correctness has finally invaded the barns of America. In Iowa cows were no longer better than other cows, small pigs were just as fat as fat pigs, and worst of all the homemade salsa of Karin A. Beitelspacher was no longer considered to be "the best." This is because Iowa 4-H decided to run with the idea that no one should be given the honor of First, Second and Third Place, but every competitor would receive honor purely on a participation basis. The multicolored ribbons were not well received.
We here think that everyone in Iowa should receive ribbons purely on an existence basis. Why is a participant better than a nonparticipant? Ribbons for all!
The Rev. Stephen Prior held a memorial service at St. Cuthbert's church for a poor dead monkey. Bill, the monkey, was apparently quite a swell guy. "He was human. He did everything we did. He cleaned his teeth, he had his own color telly, he had his own little bed and blankets. He ate his Sunday dinner with us. He loved his Yorkshire puddings, his slice of toast and pot of tea for breakfast." At the memorial service, the congregation sang a few hymns and listened to some special music from the film The Lion King. Bill was twenty-five.
St. Francis, call your office.
Dominion Sky Angel
It's about freakin' time! We've been waitin' for someone to fill the need for a "Christian satellite TV network." The non-Christians have them; doesn't that mean that we have to have at least one? Well, either way, we have one . . . kind of. Dominion's Sky Angel has made it possible for anyone with an eighteen-inch dish to watch "continuous worship featuring beautiful Christian music videos with interactive fellowship." That's on the Worship Channel, but there are other channels, too. The best is yet to come. The reason we have Sky Angel is because of Rev. 14:6: "And I saw another angel flying in the midst of heaven, having the everlasting Gospel to preach to them that dwell on the earth." Some believe that the apostle John may have actually seen a satellite in space.
And some believe that Denny's is fine dining, too.
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