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Volume 9, Issue 5: Cave of Adullam

Mutterings on the Regnant Follies

Rochester Racoon, Esq.

Hunters and Gatherers
Charles Hunter and his bonny bride Frances are quite a pair. They write books. How to Heal the Sick, Handbook for Healing and How to Receive and Maintain Healing are all listed among their titles. But they now have a new one! If Charles and Frances Can Do it, You Can Do it, Too! must be their best work yet, for the title is by far the longest. This couple has taught "thousands around the world how to heal the sick. Now, in this extraordinary new release, the Hunters show everyday ordinary believers how--and why--they can do the things Jesus said every Christian should do."

Yet more proof that the gene pool needs a little chlorine.

Fat Biggots
Now that Joe Camel's skin is stretched out to dry on Uncle Sam's back porch, it's time to pick a new target for this country's nutritional moralizing wowsers. Kelly D. Brownell, Yale psychologist, and E. Katherine Battle, graduate student, are calling for a tax on fatty foods. Apparently forty billion tax dollars are spent a year battling that horrible disease called obesity. On any given day seven percent of all Americans eat at McDonalds and the average American child sees ten thousand food commercials a year, ninety-five percent of which are advertising "junk food and sugared cereals." The proceeds from the tax would go towards promoting physical activity and nutrition education.

We recommend that you head to your nearest convenience store and begin stockpiling Twinkies, because while you can never trust a politician, a Twinkie is always your friend. The second prong of our proposal is an impassioned call for a tax on fascism.

Charles Hodges's Old Church
The Greater Atlanta Presbytery of the PCUSA has determined that someone ordained as a man can retain that ordination after a sex-change. Eric Swenson, the 49-year-old it in question, started the whole ruckus when he asked to have his name changed to Erin in official church records. After a year of deliberation and one debate the presbytery voted 186 to 161 in, um . . . Erin's favor. He/She/It is not currently serving a church but has operated a private marriage counseling service for the past twelve years. The father of Erin's ex-wife supported him saying that "A wounded healer is often the best kind of minister."

In the old days, we could just move her into the choir.

Hephelumps and Woosels
Susan John is a lawmaker in the great state of New York. She recently sponsored a bill that would strip driver's licenses from teens who drive while grogged. The rub came when we discovered that our good friend Susan was not as dry as it first appeared. She has, in fact, pleaded guilty to a charge of "driving while impaired." Of course as Susie herself has pointed out, this will merely give her "additional insights into the problem of drinking and driving."

Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-nine bottles of . . . oh, excuse us. Just conducting a little public policy research.

Justice At Last
An epileptic driver for the Ryder truck company got himself fired. Why? Seems he was a safety hazard. So, recognizing that we have an excellent justice system, he sued and won five and a half million schmacks under the Americans with Disabilities Act. Oddly enough, while on another job, this very same driver had a seizure while driving and very appropriately wrapped the truck around a tree.

The tree is now suing the truck manufacturer.

Government Money Somewhere In This
The price tag on the brand spankin' new County Medical Center in Colton, California is approximately $1.2 billion. What is so expensive about a medical center? We have no idea, but that is not really the point. All we know is that $3.5 million of the projected costs are the result of a very small bug. After the original plans and designs were completed it was discovered that the site of the new center was home to an endangered fly. Needless to say the plans had to be entirely reworked to accommodate the fly interests. The cost for such accommodations? Ah, yes . . . $3.5 mill.

The money is going toward the installation of special vents so the flies can enter the hospital at will to feed on the patients.

Sexist Taxidermy
The Smithsonian Natural History Museum has finally corrected a long standing error. For years visitors could view displays regardless of what they were being taught. This is the case no longer. The museum is now equipped with warning signs to protect the unlearned visitor from the inherent flaming propaganda in the displays left over from another era. For example, in a display of American hartebeests a label is found reading, "Female animals are being portrayed in ways that make them appear deviant or substandard to male animals." We also find labels telling us that a display of a leaping tiger is too "predatory" and warning us of the sexism in a display where a male lion is standing while a female is reclining.

Why these half measures? We want a display of a boar suckling its young.

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