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Volume 15, Issue 3: Cretan Times
Bush Mathematicians Solve Deficit Crisis by Maxing Out U.S. Credit Card
Douglas Jones
WASHINGTON, D.C.—After doubling the estimated cost of the
Iraq war to $4 billion per month and refunding $350 billion in taxes,
Bush Administration mathematicians explained that a deficit disaster
could be averted by pushing beyond the Federal credit card limit into the
realm of nonexistent numbers.
Before a panel of the House Budget Committee,
mathematician Jacob Anderson displayed a graph of various mega-numbers, reviewing
the case for numbers like duovigintillion, sextrigintillion, and
septenducen-tillion. "We expect these sorts
of numbers to be common spending parlance if President Bush wins
the next election, and that might cause some serious social dislocations
until we reach reach the nonexistent numbers."
Anderson explained that the Bush administration wishes to spend
past
the number googol or google (one followed by one hundred zeroes)
since there are not that many particles in the universe, "and that will make
it difficult for the credit card company to print out a monthly statement
for us."
He added that, "several multiples, however, beyond googol or google
you reach novemtrigintillion, and beyond that we have no number names. And
a googleplex or a googolplex is so big it can't be written down. If you have
no numbers, there can be no deficit. The deficit problem will be nonexistent."
House Budget Committee Chair Jim Nussle (R-IA) glazed over
and then moved that the committee declare President Bush a national hero.
The motion passed unanimously. Committee member Tammy Baldwin
(D-WI) commented after the vote that "it's good to see
ex-Tobacco-Institute mathematicians being socially
productive for once."
"Army of One"Lonely in Burundi
Douglas Jones
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In response to the U.N.
Security Council's demand for a ceasefire in Burundi, President Bush
today announced that he has sent a U.S. Army soldier to Burundi to bring
an end to the decades-long civil unrest there. U.N. Secretary-General
Kofi Annan talked of a U.S. deployment of 3,000 troops, but U.S.
officials said any deployment would be much less, "perhaps just one guy."
The Pentagon conceded that the Army's slogan "an Army of One" had
taken on "new and pressing significance."
Pentagon officials acknowledged forces are stretched thin
overseas—Afghanistan, Iraq, Liberia, the Balkans, South Korea, Japan,
the Phillipines, Turkey, Europe, Texas —but said the small number
of troops required for Burundi and several other nations should
not create dislocations. An aide to Rumsfeld said the defense
secretary believes the mission would fit into the category of "lesser
contingencies" the Pentagon is prepared to handle with solo armies.
"I thought that Army ad was metaphorical," explained
Private First Class Jeff Baker, who parachuted alone into Burundi on
Friday. "There were twenty of us in the plane to start with, but the
other soldiers had to commandeer different coutntries."
The Pentagon reported Private Baker had already
successfully secured a small thatched fort in lower Bubanza and was
soon involved in several intense fire fights in the streets of Burundi's
capital Bujumbura. "My hope is to bring peace, democracy, and
economic development to Burundi as long as my ammo lasts," Baker said
through tears.
California Governor Gray Davis Avoids Recall by Returning California to Native Americans
Douglas Jones
SACRAMENTO, CA—In a surprise move Tuesday, Governor Gray
Davis outmaneuvered the burgeoning recall movement against him by handing
over California to the leadership of the state's Cherokee tribe.
Cherokee chief Barbara "Little Star" Simeroth accepted
California back from the governor in a ceremony outside the state capitol. Chief
Little Star thanked the former governor and declared, "I will draw thorns
from your feet. We will walk the Path of Life together. Like a brother of
my own blood, I will wipe tears from your eyes. When you are sad, I will put
your aching heart to rest."
In prepared comments, Gray Davis said "that this was a long
time coming" and that "the time was
ripe"
to rectify the injustices of the past. When asked by reporters whether
he made this move to avoid a recall vote, Gray Davis said, "Pshaw" and
"What right-wing recall?"
The Governor explained that not only had he finally brought justice
to the state but also erased the State's $38.2 billion deficit since
native Americans "have a grand tradition of financial stability and good luck."
When asked how a proposed SuperBear Lotto would wipe out
the deficit, Chief Little Star said, "Listen to the Wind. Listen to the Eagle
in your Vision and the Raccoon along the path."
Genetic Research Shows Geneticists Predisposed to Study Genetics
Douglas Jones
ATLANTA, GA—Researchers have identified two genes in
laboratory animals that may link the desire to study genetics to a genetic
predisposition. The findings dispute the notion that studying genetics results
from character flaws or weakness.
By breeding two strains of mice that crave genetic studies with
those that shun it, Princeton University researchers identified the genes,
one for males and the other for females, that appear to trigger an
animal's compulsion to study genetics.
Dr. David Silverman of the National Institutes of Health said
the genetic link to genetic studies is apparent in humans also, but that
does not mean some are destined to become successful geneticists.
Many experts agree that genetics play a role in the desire to
study genetics, but they add, so do upbringing and the hardships some face
in life. "Some people just show up at age 20, and they haven't had a lot of
life traumas in their life, but they're geneticists," said Dr. Randy Lund
of Ridgevcrest Institute in Atlanta.
Lund, counselor of recovering geneticists, sees how the study
of genetics runs in families and how just living around it can lead
youngsters down the same path. But genetics may make it harder for some to resist
the temptation of genetics or to know how much gene research they can handle.
Scandinavians Boycott Viking Mascots
Douglas Jones
MINNEAPOLIS, MN—In response to a recent teasing of a
Norwegian-American high schooler, Scandinavian-American rights groups
renewed their protest against the use of Vikings as mascots and sports
team names, a practice which they say perpetuates negative stereotypes
and continues to subjugate Scandinavian Americans.
Steve Larsen, the director of youth and education services at
the Scandinavian-American Support Group of Wisconsin and
Northern Minnesota is trying to educate people about the racism inherent
in Viking mascots and logos.
In a press release sent by the SASGWNM urging people
to protest the Minnesota Vikings, the group writes: "Ragnar the
Viking promotes a negative stereotype of Scandinavian peoples. This
blonde-bearded, hook-nosed, grinning buffoon does not resemble
any Scandivian peoples. It makes people think we're barbarians. The
name and logo do not `honor' Viking peoples, but perpetuate
racist stereotypes only. Vikings are not mascots."
Numerous Scandinavian groups have sent letters to school districts
all across the northern tier of states to ask them to change their
Scandinavian-related sports team names. "From preschools to
professional teams, we are dealing with the issue on multiple levels," Larsen
noted. Outside the northern tier, some schools, such as the Tucson
High Vikings of Arizona, have changed their Scandinavian-related
sports names in response to Scandinavian sensitivities.The Tucson
Vikings became the Tucson Dairypeople.
NASA Probe Successfully Jettisons $124 Million into Space
Douglas Jones
HOUSTON, TX—After completing complex braking maneuvers, a
new NASA probe—the Jupiter Lottery—moved into the orbit of Jupiter
and successfully jettisoned into space several tons of U.S. hundred
dollar notes, totaling $124 million, according to NASA flight managers.
"The jettison-blossom effect was quite breathtaking," said
NASA spokesperson, Mary Harwick. "The bills cycled in fascinating
patterns, reflecting solar light in a magnificent, sparkling array."
The evidence gathered from the cash-jettison suggests that
hundred dollar notes react oddly in space.
"We could never have guessed the odd curling effects," said Jack Gordy
of NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory.
The $150-million, 1.7-ton probe is the first to visit this area of the
solar system since two NASA probes disappeared near there in late
1999. After losing the two probes costing a total of $300 million, NASA
determined it would be cheaper to simply torpedo cash into space.
"We actually saved about $110-million dollars by going this
route rather than losing a more complex probe," said NASA
spokeswoman Mary Harwick. "By repeating this dump every year, we expect to
reduce our yearly budget radically."
Arriving in July after a eleven-month trip, the craft used
atmospheric drag to slow itself down and change course, a risky procedure
that nonetheless saved a considerable amount of rocket fuel.
Harwick observed that one of the key goals of the mission was to
prove that $124 million is "actually very little money. In the expensive world
of space exploration, there's not much else we can do with that sort of cash."
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